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ADHD Journal: Adult ADHD Life
Aha….a sigh, a cry and finally reasons why!
Its hard to find the exact words to describe the way my mind works or processes things. I know it always feels foggy and unclear with so many thoughts racing around without any logical order. My thoughts randomly jump from one to another faster than I can even count or try to speak . It (tm)s like a constant race of emotions and thoughts flooding my mind while I try to make sense and order of them to try and do things that a normal person does without thinking within a normal days time. If you do not have this problem you will never understand the chaos and constant stress of always trying to do the right thing and really trying to focus to pay attention when you should. It (tm)s as if your driving through thick fog with an unclear path trying to get to where you know you are supposed to be but you lost the directions and have no GPS to guide you while the radio is playing songs that are constantly changing at a high volume in the background along with multiple random thoughts and feelings racing each other around in circles in your mind. I did not want to acknowledge the diagnosis of ADHD because people criticize and judge due to the diagnosis being given so frequently when it (tm)s convenient to use as an excuse for hyper children or irresponsible adults. I never really acknowledged my diagnosis and ignored it thinking it was just my own fault for being disorganized and irresponsible but, that guilt and stress of always trying to do things right without success really wears you down. I finally referred back to some literature online and after reading it,I feel like I am not alone,I am not lazy or disorganized because I want to be and that for once it may not be my fault. It has taken a lot of stress and heartache and giving so much of myself to try and make a relationship work without success to bring me to the reality that I need to acknowledge the ADHD and get the proper help to make my life more clear and peaceful. Everything happens for a reason. It (tm)s funny how I would never stop and take a look at myself and the problems in my mind before on my own. It took me doing it for another person to try and help myself which makes me question where I have myself prioritized in my heart. Do I even really know who I am? People with ADHD often struggle with this question I believe. How do you focus long enough to really figure out who you are when you can (tm)t even focus long enough to remember to pay a bill or go to a scheduled doctors appointment? I did not think I had any major problems when I was alone other than being disorganized and inpatient at times and I guess it took loving another person to force me to really take a look at myself. I think that because of the constant struggle your whole life with ADHD you constantly try to do the right things and follow the daily routine any other normal person and no matter how hard you try you just can never be on time or get things done the right way. Therefore, I think we tend to overcompensate in relationships knowing it may never be done right no matter how hard we try but we still keep trying because we really want to do it the right way, we want to be organized, we want to be on time and we want for once to accomplish a task the right way to feel a sense of accomplishment. We just want to change the constant feeling of failure and underachievement that we face everyday with simple things such as returning a movie rental back or paying and dropping a bill in the mail. It really is something that probably sounds so ridiculous and just an excuse to the normal person but if they could live one day in this type of mind it would totally make them more aware of how it feels to live this way. I think the awareness of ADHD now in children is great so that these children do not live their adult lives without knowing the truth about themselves and what ADHD is to prevent them from being the person the really are inside and allowing them to reach their full potential. I think some doctors and parents are quick to diagnose and medicate hyper kids without knowing that the ADHD is the proper diagnosis therefore, this may contribute to the negativity and doubt out there. ADHD was never talked about when I was a child and not cleaning my room or completing homework was my fault and laziness as I saw it or was told. This began a lifetime of negative thoughts about my personality and everything I did in life. I was a single mother at 18 and felt I could do nothing right including simple things such as remembering a doctors appointment. My family was quick to criticize and point out my faults as a parent which added to the guilt and shame of my actions that appeared irresponsible to them. My daughter is now 17 and I am 35. I was diagnosed a few years ago but did not take it seriously thinking that it was still my own fault for the actions which were incorrect. I did not think I should use that as an excuse. My mind was already conditioned to think that way about myself. Recently my actions over the course of a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone I love very much almost caused an end to the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was then when I tried to take a look at myself and who I was and what I was doing wrong. Two thing that were mentioned while we tried to communicate brought back memories of why I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was talking too fast and interrupting when he was trying to communicate with me. I began to research ADHD and relationships online and was astonished at how precise the information was. I felt like the information was written about me and my relationship. This is when I knew I had to do something and get help. I am relieved about finally knowing exactly why I have done the things I have or haven (tm)t done in my life up until this point. I am angry that ADHD has damaged so many years of my life and especially my daughters life. I mourn for all the lost years that I will never get back with her. I am excited about getting help now and living a better life with treatment and support. It (tm)s a variety of emotions that I feel now. I am also proud of myself for the first time in my life for accepting I have a disorder that is not my fault and that I am fully aware of without questioning myself or blaming myself. I am becoming proactive and reaching out for support and help to get me on the correct path. I will not stop until I get this disorder under control instead of allowing it to control me as it has the last 35 years.