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ADHD Journal: Adult ADHD Life

sigh
Filed Under: Adult ADD



Life has always been pretty hectic for me.  Growing up, I cried everyday, was hit everyday by my add father (which I didnt realize until recently).  I have always been disorganized with growing piles always around me.  I hated cleaning, washing dishes, cooking…
and I felt bad.  Why couldn’t I fix it?  Why am I so lazy?  Why do I hate it so much?  I did horribly in highschool, I barely graduated on time.  I fell asleep in class.  In college I did well, the only class I failed was a 9:30 class.  I made sure to choose classes that had good teacher rating on ratemyprofessor.com.  I knew by then that if the teacher was bad or boring, I would fail or fall asleep.  I did really well in creative writing, and this was when I knew that I wasn’t stupid and the way I thought was different and special. smile

I decided to go into graduate school 5 years after my bachelors… I only went because I could not figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  I made it by giving myself personal deadlines… one paper may have been due on the 15th but I’ll tell myself it was due one the 7th.  But school was stressful, I made many stupid mistakes where I would “think” I sent it but I misclicked somewhere and I didn’t send.  Then I would have to send my professor a letter of apology and excuse…

Excuses… I am filled with excuses all my life and I feel so terrible using them.  Sigh.

Anyway, I have a friend I chat with and he asked me if I had add.  And I was like I wouldn’t be surprised (jokingly).  He said I should try those online tests.  I filled them and it said I was very likely.  All of them did.  ALL like 10000000s i’ve done did.  But to me, I felt everyone felt this way.  My friend informed me that his score was “very unlikely.”  SO AH-HA, not everyone feels this way.

I became obsessed with this… do i have it… do i not.  I have it!  I don’t!  I have it!  I don’t!  I couldn’t think about anything else.  (this may have been my anxiety… who knows) 

Finally, I met with a therapist.  My first form of therapy in my entire life.  She said her daughter had it and she said that she believed I also had it.  So much of my life explained. 

My constant thinking… the whirring in my head.  The energy and the hate and avoidance for any hard tasks.  My hyperness, my forgetfulness, my hate for cleaning.  Forgetting the last thing I said, forgetting what I was talking about, never remembering anyones names.

Avoiding hard classes that required textbook reading. memorization…. falling asleep. zoning out.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. sigh. there was a reason.
I am currently on adderal and it’s extremely calming.
Concerta made me fall asleep immediately.  I could not keep my eyes open at work.

Right now, I am relieved for my diagnoses.  Even signing up on the forums was something I would have put off.  This journal entry itself would have been something I would have put off.
Thanks for listening.  I hope to put up more things later


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