Dear Hope Springs Eternal,

Please don’t loose hope! Although my husband and I are adopting internationally, it is a bumpy road I think either way. You WILL adopt and you WILL be a mom. Can you open your search to possibly other states or other countries? I found it is very important to find someone who will let you vent and know that you are accepted for yourself. We are in our 16th month of waiting at this point for internaltional adoption and we just found out this month we were not provided a referral. My heart goes out to you, you are in good company. Just don’t give up. Remember your future child needs you. That usually keeps me going.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive replies.  We are going to try and just detach a little and get busier with our lives as we wait.  We will keep trying to be positive.
Thanks again.

I am a soon to be birthmother who had to choose an adoptive couple.  And reading all of the profiles and books broke my heart.  I wished that I had a child to share with each and every one of the families who were waiting to adopt. 

I am already a parent of 3 boys ages 17, 11 and 9.  I was done having children and decided that I wanted to share the gift of parenting with a couple who had never experienced it before (so yes, I did give preference to couples who had no children yet). 

I will tell you that I cried and prayed when it finally came down to a decision between two couples (both of whom I think are wonderful and I would entrust with my child). 

But when a decision had to be made, we had to figure out what would be the final item that swayed us one direction vs another.  In our case the decision came down to the geography.  Which is something that the couple who we did not ultimately choose wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) change.  All other things were equal between the couples, but we chose the couple who lived geographically closer to us and lived a suburban lifestyle.  The other couple lived in the country and owned a ranch (which I believe would also be idyllic). 

I know that my current children and this soon to be born little girl will eventually have a relationship.  I just felt that if they had similar upbringings then they would at least have that commonality.  They might be better able to relate to their childhoods if they came from the same geographic area and led a similar middle class suburban life.

There was absolutely nothing about the couple that we did not choose that they could have done differently.  We had in person interviews with both couples and the couple we did not choose didn’t do or say anything that swayed us at all.  It simply came down to having to choose one.

My heart breaks for all of you who are waiting and wanting a child so badly.  I turly believe that God’s hand was involved in my situation and He knew best where this little girl belongs.  And I still pray for the couple from the ranch and I know that God will provide for them the perfect child someday too.

Here’s the good news though: It is much better that expectant parents are selecting your profile for consideration than the opposite scenario.

It’s obviously really hard not to be matched when someone is interested enough to want to read your profile, but have confidence and faith because all of that activity is a great sign. Activity means that you are presenting yourselves in an authentic and attractive manner. Now all it takes is for the right person to come along. She will for sure!

if it is too painful to know that people are looking at your profile and not picking you, I agree with the idea of telling your agency you don’t want to know. I would not suggest this starting out because you do want feedback early to know that your profile stands out enough to be picked, but you know that now.

Hal

HI!  We waited from the time our profile was available to actually adopting, about a year, and seven months.  During that time we had two matches that didn’t work out… one was very quick as the expectant mother gave birth within about 2 weeks of contacting us (she decided to parent which I think was best for her), and the other one we met the expectant mother very early on in her pregnancy, but she ended up choosing another couple.  God was very gracious to us in the first situation not working out (it was best for us, too) and helped us through the second situation and it was a learning and growing experience for us.

Our relationship with our daughter’s birthmother is warm and caring, and we are glad that she is the one who became a part of our lives and our family.  So the wait is worth it, and even though it may be a bumpy and longer waiting road than you wanted… remember at the end of it there is much joy!

Wishing you well,
Kris

Lisa, did your agency show you a ton of profiles, or only a few? If you were shown only a few, would you have liked to be shown more? I’ve always wondered how birth mothers chose.

Our agency worker told us that she’s worked with a mother who chose a couple because the wife had a Beatles shirt on. Couples can be chosen for a variet of reasons…

Our agency only has 10 profiles at a time. Once one of those people are chosen, a name from a different waiting list is chosen to go into the pool of profiles. I think this is a total injustice for the birth mother, and there should be more of a system to match birthmothers to families based on what the birthmother wants. Like, if the birth mother is from some rural town and want someone from that town, but that person isn’t in the pool of profiles, they won’t be chosen - even though that is the ideal candidate. It’s unfortunate for all parties involved. I can understand for adoptive couples it’s good because you’re profile will be 1/10 instead of 1/25, but it ads waiting time!

The new criteria, the one that just came out this year, says that you can give Ritalin to kids as young as four. My son is now 7. I couldn’t get him meds until 1st grade. However, I wish I had the option of giving them earlier. I think it would have made a big difference for him. Because he had to wait, he experienced some delays in developing essential academic skills such as reading and writing. It was a struggle, but I think we finally got him caught up. He also had trouble socially, but now he is beginning to make a few strides in that arena as well.
    The only caveat is this. When we got my son diagnosed, we first went to a clinical child psychologist for testing and then confirmed the diagnosis with a developmental pediatrician. Be sure the diagnosis is correct before prescribing meds.

thank you Sue H. Today we are visting the peditrician to find out what is going on… My son has Asthma and I’m worried because he desperately needs meds to function at school, but worried if non-stimulates will work? Ritalin, how does your son take it, pills? Does he have side effects? My son turns 6 in June and his Kindergarten teacher, Head of /school and all the others can confern withe the testing results and feel he can’t function in school w/o help, they aren’t saying they think he needs it but they are staying what help he is getting isn’t making a difference which tell me it’s time to help him focus, sit still, stop running off, stop not doing any work and particpating in anything, stop distracting the classroom, stop doing flips on the carpet, etc. I’m worried about medicine now and hoping since he currently on a MAOI that their might be a difference with non-stimulates… Someone said it takes 14 days for not using a MAOI to start any meds, is that true… My son only needs MAOI when he gets sick, which means it’s not everyday or often. Does the nebulizer using abuteral also disqualify stimulate medicines.  Thanks for responding and helping me.. SueH… You said your boy is 7 and couldn’t take medicine until 7 how did he catch up after meds, did you do tutoring or did he naturally learn because he could focus? Did you start your son late in Kindergarten? I started my son at 5 but since he turned 5 on June 13 I needed to give him the chance.. I’m glad I did becauce he wouldn’t have survived even older in K and it would have prolonged the sererity of his condition.  Will I see some dramatic changes for him or should I repeat Kindergarten?

Confussed and exhausted Mom… By the way, my little 4 year old girl has no signs of ADHD or ADD. She is completely opposite.

My 6 year old son recently was diagnosed and I have found the magazine a great source for information.  Don’t give up hope.

For the mom with the young child ...

I am 28 years old.  I figured out I had ADHD when I was 19.  I struggled with school, but I graduated.  I was told I wouldn’t amount to much, but I proved them wrong too.  I graduated from college - with cords and all.  Graduate school I was told would be too much for my ADHD - well, in May I will have my Masters. 

The trick is to use ADHD to your child’s advantage.  Due to my multitasking nature I can work full time and go to graduate school.  You know the difference between a gifted student and a individual with ADHD?  We think faster, so our ideas are moving at lightening speed.  That is okay.  That is how inventions are made. 

My suggestion as you help your son, is to change the term ADHD.  My brother calls it my HDTV - as I am highly defined ... I see EVERYTHING!  Make a routine, high protein diet, teach your child to be responsible.  We are not disordered ... simply the world hasn’t caught up with us!

Two books:
Born to be Wild by Kristi Meisenback Boylan & Right Brained Children in a Left-Brained World by Jeffrey Freed and Laurie Parsons

Hope this helps!

Bethany

Bethany -
Your post brought tears to my eyes. 

It’s so nice to hear from someone who has been through their childhood with HDTV and is doing well.    When my son asks me to remind him what ADHD stands for I shudder a bit inside when I have to use the word disorder. 

Question for you… did you tell your classmates about your ADHD growing up?  My son seems to want to tell everyone and anyone who will listen.  I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Congratulations to you on your education!  Way to go!

I fully understand your frustration. Before the diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety my son would cry a lot and I would cry much more. I didn’t know what was wrong or how to help him. The first school he attended didn’t know what to do either. Once my husband and I had a diagnosis it helped. It took my husband longer to come to terms with it. Please know that you are not the only person going through this. There are many of us with children who have ADD or ADHD. Something else that helped me was reading a lot of books and getting myself educated about ADHD. The more I knew the more empowered I felt. Don’t lose hope.

I fully understand your frustration. Before the diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety my son would cry a lot and I would cry much more. I didn’t know what was wrong or how to help him. The first school he attended didn’t know what to do either. Once my husband and I had a diagnosis it helped. It took my husband longer to come to terms with it. Please know that you are not the only person going through this. There are many of us with children who have ADD or ADHD. Something else that helped me was reading a lot of books and getting myself educated about ADHD. The more I knew the more empowered I felt. Don’t lose hope.