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ADD & INTJ female anyone else coping with this?

I don’t even know how to explain dealing with this. All I know is it is impossible for me to keep friends and relationships and even my children don’t like being around me now that they don’t have to.
I have been pretty successful in everything else but humans in my world just baffle me completely.
I am highly intelligent in some respects and in human communication I am clueless.
Sue

Replies

MissMix48,

It’s brave and wise of you to put yourself out there to get some support.

What tendencies/patterns are affecting your relationships? What do your children complain about? What types of conversations/situations do you find end in frustration or hurt feelings?

Posted by MichelleW99 on Dec 08, 2013 at 7:35am

I was really hoping to get some help from one of the professionals on here. I don’t know what causes it or I would have had it fixed by now. I can’t explain 65 years of it. I always end up not knowing what just happened. I guess putting it on here wasn’t a good idea.

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 08, 2013 at 10:48am

Holy mackerel.  I was surprised to see this.  INTJ, if you’re referencing personality type is pretty rare. Only 1 to 3% of women have this personality type.  I am in that 1 to 3% as well.

It’s hard to get along with people, especially with ADD thrown in.  I feel like I have a love, hate relationship with people.  I love it when socially it works and I hate ‘em when it doesn’t.  I have never truly known how to act around others even when I genuinely like them.  I use what I learned from watching my Mom while I was growing up to interact with others and ADD medication helps as I get older for filtering what I am thinking and preventing certain things from stumbling out of my mouth.  Apparently I can be quite mean - I don’t always realize it but EVERYONE else does, so I have to work very hard to think about these things when talking to others.  I also get funny looks from people because if I feel like there’s nothing else to say in a conversation I will stop talking and if the situation permits I say okay and just walk away, seems fine to me but other people don’t get it.  The logical, critical thinking part of me is just too much in charge to understand social convention - things that make sense to me make no sense to others and things that make sense to others make zero sense to me, so people think I’m weird, and I’ve learned to be fine with it. 

One thing that helps me is if I feel like I’m just not getting someone, I let them talk and I do a lot of okaying and oh yeahing and as soon as it seems like I can, I bail on the moment.  Another thing is I learned that being funny works with most people, they still think I’m weird but hey they think I’m funny at least. 

Sometimes when I’m not sure of things I will actually ask someone I can talk to like my husband if what I did or said was okay or I’ll ask him how is it appropriate to act in the situation we’re about to be in?  Do I have to talk to people or can I hang back, not say much, and then go find someplace quite to go hang out on my own.  It helps.  I have flat out asked people, what do I do that is strange or what do I say that makes you not want to be around.  Most of the time it has to do with something they thought was mean and I will go so far as to ask how I should have responded, if their answer is ridiculous, I’ll let them know.

My biggest problem is that I do and say what makes sense to me. 

I would maybe talk to which kid your most comfortable with and ask them, hey, what’s up?  You’ll have to do some uncomfortable opening up by simply explaining that you just want to honestly know what it is about you that makes them not want to be around you because you do love them and you miss them.  Tell them you won’t get upset by what they say (you will, bottle it though) and genuinely listen to the response and try to openly discuss how you feel.  It’s going to be terribly uncomfortable but it may at least get you somewhere with your kids.

I’m not an expert, I can only tell you personal experiences and what’s worked for me.  You aren’t alone.  And I have found that if you want expert opinion, the internet is not the best place to get it, you have to seek it in the outside world - talking to a psychologist helped me with my rage issues.  You might want to seriously consider talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist, they will be able to help you.  You have admitted you need help to yourself, take the next step and try to find a doctor that you can talk to.

I wish you the best and if you ever want to just BS or talk, I think that if you click on my screen name in blue at the end of my post you can personally message me - I can give you my regular email there.  I normally would not offer that, but you seem like you might understand things like I don’t as well.

Best of luck to you, if you feel like it, keep me posted on whether or not you have a sit down with one of your kids or if you find a doctor.

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 08, 2013 at 4:33pm

You just explained my life in a nutshell except I am now 65. I don’t have a husband or anyone else to rely on. I haven’t for the majority of my life. My kids suffer from ADHD and ADD and most of my grandchildren do too. Most of them are also very intelligent.
It has helped me a lot that you know what I am dealing with. Some new studies have stated that most INTJ people are male and that being a female is only 0.8% not 1% of the population. I guess maybe I am alien. LOL
At least I know now that it isn’t just me. I have spent half my life on someones couch fixing every personality defect that God would help me with. What is left is just me in all my obnoxious, determined glory.
Thank God I was left with a sense of faith and of humor.
But, I am so misunderstood most the time it’s like I am speaking some kind of martian language or something.
Part of the problems is that I have a heart for sharing what I have learned. People often misunderstand that for me wanting them to believe what I believe.  They don’t get that I want to hear what they know too. I am an insatiable learner, I love sharing what I just found.
Society just want’s me to shut up. That is exactly what happened at my last church. If I could just give up wanting a full life, I could maybe do that. A full life includes talking with people. But, I detest small talk.
I hope some other people read this and find it interesting enough to think about. Maybe they know someone like me. 
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 09, 2013 at 9:07am

Glad I was able to offer you some sort of comfort.  It’s funny though, you gave me some too and I didn’t even know I was looking for it!  I think I gave up a long time ago even bothering to find someone else in the world that would actually get it.  Your response to my post to you shows that you do, I tell you it’s almost unbelievable, but then you know that don’t you. wink

That’s interesting that the numbers have changed since the last time I read about INTJ’s.  I think maybe that we are martians in our own world and the only way to deal with it sometimes is to embrace it.  My husband even gets frustrated with me still and I am always reminding him that he knew I was weird when he asked me to marry him.  I always tell him that one of the reasons I am different from the rest of the world is that I know I am different, everyone else runs around thinking (knowing) they are just like everyone else.  It’s funny I have met people that have one part or another of the same personality and just when I think I’m talking to someone that understands, they do or say something, or behave in a way that makes me realize they only partially get it or that they’re a jerk.  I feel like that the only person that I’ve ever found that I can relate to is not even a real person, it’s a t.v. show character - that really makes me feel crazy sometimes.

I know what you mean about sharing things too.  It seems like all people want is small talk, I detest it as well.  Surface conversation is excruciatingly boring - people ask me how the weather is, they don’t realize they’ve stepped in it and they’re going to get a half hour conversation on weather, ha ha.  Sharing what we learn or know is exciting,  it helps grow our minds - a little mind expansion never hurt anyone (except people with brain tumors).  I run into the same thing how people don’t get that you want to hear their side too - or you’re left half filled from a real conversation because someone shared with you and though you listened to them (which they don’t get that if you have ADD can be a task in itself) they have no interest in listening to you and they cut it short. 

Sad to hear that the folks at your last church weren’t open to talking and listening to you - that’s the one place that you should be able to feel welcome and comfortable - Christians often forget what it means to be Christian.  When I pray, I have often been known to thank God for being the only one that is truly always there to listen to me.  To be honest as good as that is, it can sting sometimes that that’s reality.

I would also hope that your kids having ADD and intelligence would be a little more understanding as well, at least one of them (probably not wanting to see it) is a heck of a lot like you.  I am sorry for that - I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and I am actually afraid sometimes when I think to the future that she won’t be interested in me at all because Mommy’s weird.  So, even though I don’t have grown kids, I half get that sadness.  I pray that you can make a connection with at least one of them in the future.

I don’t really know you but I think you’re a pretty awesome person - my personality might be biased towards you but it’s still true. smile

Keep that faith and sense of humor going, that’s what gets me through it.  And, don’t give up wanting a full life.  Be your eccentric self and maybe find a different route to living your full life.  Be fore I met my husband, I did everything pretty much on my own.  I was going through one of those times where I didn’t have friends around me to hang out with, I rarely do.  I, at that time, decided to relish in it. I did everything by myself and I talked to people I would run into randomly - people have a tendency to open up to me, all I do is say hello, and I get life stories - and I am a magnet for “crazy” people, life on the fringe types and that’s how I fit human connections into my life.  It’s not realistic because you don’t have a significant closeness with anyone (except maybe a cat or a dog, if you have one) but it’s still a meaningful interaction.

Again, glad I could help in some way.  God bless you Sue.  Don’t give up.

Megan

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 09, 2013 at 11:56am

COMMENTS REPOSTED BY MODERATOR TO COMBINE DUPLICATE THREADS

This is a tough one. You are the only one inside your head.  Do you know why your kids don’t want to be around you?  Do you want people around you?  If so are you willing and able to do the hard work to really LOOK at yourself and work to eliminate those traits that don’t serve you well? 
If you are a reader try Dale Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It is a very old book bu has really good ideas. A friend of mine taught ADHD kids who had emotional issues. He used this as a book in his class and found a loth of kids got help from it.
You might look into group therapy. That would give you counseling AND get you into interaction with people who can give you feedback.

Best of luck.

Posted by Lee Anne on Dec 07, 2013 at 2:32am

 

pnwsuzie
Sue—I have ADD and am an INFP on the Myers-Briggs scale. Some of my problems are different from yours, but relationships are tough for me, too—mostly because I’m soooo sensitive to criticism, whether it’s real, imagined or projected criticism; and to any harshness from people at all (which life is full of, of course). It is very hard for me to find people I can enjoy as friends, who won’t totally dominate the conversation and who find my introspective ways interesting. I’ve lost friends over saying clumsy things, being socially inept, too shy, and being too angrily reactive to things I perceive as disrespect.

My grown son and I are awkward with each other, but I think it’s normal for parents to want to be around their grown kids more than the kids want to be around their parents.

There are so many things about myself I need to change, but it’s hard to stay focused long enough to make progress with any of them. I’ve read a TON of self-help books. I was an excellent student, but couldn’t take the harshness of the working world at all.

Lee Anne (above) has a point - group therapy could be a place to get gentle feedback and grow. I’m in a SoulCollage group, with a social worker facilitating it. It gives me a creative outlet and helps me not to feel so alone. You can google SoulCollage if you are interested, and look for a group near you.

Hopefully, you’ll find something that helps. Everyone has different challenges and you are not the only one with social problems, that’s for sure! Remember that you have many good qualities and are so much more than just a person with ADD and an INTJ. Give yourself credit for all the aspects of life in which you are successful. SoulCollage helps me appreciate and utilize many more facets of my complicated self than I was aware of before.

Posted by pnwsuzie on Dec 07, 2013 at 5:03am

 

 

Missed That
I’m an INTJ too.  I just don’t catch on to social cues until they have passed beyond where I can contact the person and either apologize or let them know that I finally “get it.”  So many lost opportunities.

What I’m doing now is working on active listening.  I say it over and over to myself when someone is talking. Listen to them, even if you have to prod yourself to do so.  It’s hard but gets easier with practice.

My Mom and I always say that they taught social skills in kindergarten during the two weeks I was out sick with chicken-pox.  If only it was a subject that we could have taken in school!  My parents would have signed me up in a heartbeat!

We tend to over-think things, too, which may be what you’re doing.  Mindfulness is a technique for slowing your mind down.  Look it up in Wikipedia - there should be something useful in there.

I’ve learned it in a class that meets twice/week for a year for an hour.  I work a weird schedule so I am able to go.  It’s called DBT and was originally made for a distinct personality type.  For me, it has taught me some social skills I didn’t have.  Most people could benefit from the course.  There is a book with worksheets but I think it is best when taught as a class.

Listening to music helps calm me down (Enya and other people who make similar music) as long as it isn’t over-stimulating.

Then there’s our good friend, exercise.  It helps plus it tires you out enough to slow your mind down without making you comatose.  Plus you’ll feel better and will be better able to concentrate.

Everything I’ve written I have to remind myself of regularly.  Thanks for listening to another reminder to myself.

Hope this helps!

Posted by Missed That on Dec 07, 2013 at 5:59am

 

 

BaT_PA
While I am an ENFP I relate to much of what everyone is saying here.  More than anything I am extremely self-critical and very very very sensitive to criticism.  I think I am an often apt to become an introvert as a way to escape possible critique.  Then after too much time alone in my mind I am miserable.

I too have to give myself daily reminders to be mindful and not let my thoughts race.  I use a great podcast called Meditation Oasis to help - the best is when they say having thoughts come in and out doesn’t matter.  I also recently started listening to Echart Tolle - very interesting intellectually.

Also I have 3 school age step children - they love me when I am an E and are confused when I am an I - I try to explain myself to them in terms they might understand but since I only see them on weekends they don’t have the full experience if me day to day - I struggle with feeling like I am jetting them down when all I really want is to be left alone and they want my attention.  I work hard to make sure I give them what I can if myself…but it isn’t always easy.

Thanks to everyone for the responses and thank you Sue for starting the thread.

Posted by BaT_PA on Dec 07, 2013 at 12:28pm

Posted by adhdmomma on Dec 09, 2013 at 7:52pm

Wow it sure is nice to know I am not alone in this. I am up here 40 miles from anything in North east Wisconsin. And where there is any kind of resources up here it is very limited. I have done the Carnegie book or at least tried. It is so long and boring I can’t get through it all the way. It may as well be written in Aramaic. If that was just an excuse I could get past that but it isn’t. I noticed that most of the people who wrote had a spouse or other family that supported them when they were clueless. I suspect any type of family would be a source of communication & support.  It must be a great thing.
I am glad I started this thread. It has been encouraging.
I have a vehicle with 343,thousand miles on the original engine. I pray before I get in it to go anywhere. God has been good to me as it is like the Hebrews sandals in the desert for those 40 years, not wearing out.
I would not be able to afford a new vehicle if it wore out so I thank & give glory to God every day that it is still running.  Today I will thank God for all of you too.
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 11, 2013 at 3:12am

Thank you Sue.

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 11, 2013 at 4:03am

I have read all of your posts.  You describe my husband here…  and my son also show some of these traits.  Both are highly intelligent…  even with a photographic memory on some things. 
My son is into his Bible, and I am too.  Only thing, he is like an encyclopedia.  If I start a verse, he can easily finish it and tell me where it is.  Or if I am asking where a verse is….  he @ least knows the chapter it’s in (Old and New testament).  We go to coffee or lunch on his days off and speak @ length of lofty Bible truths.  He says I am the only one who would understand him…  he can’t find anyone his age who can relate to him on these spiritual things he cares about so much.
He’s highly intuitive… he can read a person’s makeup, emotions, motives, character, etc.
He’s picking up on his friendships, but for years said he has no friends.  He wasn’t interested in social pot smoking and craziness in high school (he said) and opted to stay home.

As for my husband, he pisses people off constantly and isn’t even aware of it…  my son (above) doesn’t want to be around him 95% of the time and has no trouble reading him the riot act.  At these times, both of them piss me off, and I do best if I leave their presence.

My husband has a friend who he goes to coffee with, other than that there are no people pursuing him for friendship with just him.  Our social contacts have been through my friendships and their husbands… and he has become their friend, too. 

I can think of certain ‘friends’ that no longer initiate getting together.  He has done things to piss people off or is dissociative in conversations.  Like the man is trying to talk to him, he is not listening…  so instead he turns to me to talk… since my husband is spaced out. This happens again and again.  Plus he commonly interrupts with a new unrelated topic….  dismissing the important conversation that was going on.  He’s also self-referential…  bringing the conversation back to himself (annoying). If he cares about what the other person is saying, he is not showing it.

In his controlling ways, sometimes he INSISTS that we go here or there…  making the decision for the whole group…  even if one person is saying they don’t want to go there. 

He’s such an analyzer ... overly analyzing and bringing it up to us again and again over time…  like a hamster locked onto the wheel not knowing how to get off.  He is always verbalizing his internal conversation….  the crazy, redundant things he ruminates on.  Nobody cares and is zoned out after awhile.

He also is super sensitive and paranoid most times…  misperceiving what I am saying and he blasts away @ me immediately. So many things that I say, he takes as a vicious personal attack….  when I did not say it viciously or have him in mind @ all.  He’s is SO defensive/sensitive in these things that I think it’s just easier to ignore him and not try to talk to him @ all if he is going to overreact this way. It’s like walking on eggshells.  Sometimes he lashes out @ me out of the blue…  and I am thinking ‘what???’
If I try to tell him how he slipped up and did this or that (pointing out things he’s not aware of in his behavior) he totally flips out.  Super sensitive to any constructive criticism…  which may enlighten him and help him out if he chose to listen.

I am so tired of all his stuff, I have read a stack of ADD books trying to figure out how to help or identify the problems, he has read no books. He has been a LOT of work.  I have regretted not being with a man who knew how to treat a woman well.  I have seriously felt like leaving myriads of times, but didn’t…  where others have left relationships like this.  But…..
He DOES have a good and fun side.  He can be so caring & talented in figuring out things (ie computer, finance, insurance, medical, etc) and helping in any way he can. I have often said ‘I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him’. He can also be a lot of fun, ready for a party, a trip, dinner out, the casino, a game, a movie, snacks, and very giving…  plus he is turning out to be a Fantastical grandpa, involved elbows deep.

I think whatever our grueling story is….  we can always take stock in what is good and try to focus on the enjoyable parts. 
Like my friend always says ‘take the best and leave the rest’...  it’s a nice thought!  Some days I am successful with this, sometimes not.  I have told him that if he totally ticks me off, I will leave for a few hours…. or even a few days…  for my own sanity and peace. I am not his whipping post.  If he can’t show civil kindness and respect, he’ll be alone for awhile.  That is the boundary line that he is aware of here recently.  My own heart is scarred over time and regularly sunburned ....  if I need to cut him off to heal, that’s the way it is!!
Anyway, this is one spousal viewpoint!
Thanks for allowing me to share!

Posted by BS&Tears; on Dec 12, 2013 at 8:10pm

LOL I think I was married to him once myself. I’m so sorry that we do this. I can say for me I get anxiety when I have to do small talk ata something like a small party or back yard BBQ. I Space out because of it. People think I am being a snob or arrogant as if I think I am better than they are. I am aware of it and have talked with a shrink about it a lot, so it is batter for me but the others around me have no idea what is going on. I am only good in groups if I can NOT interact or if I am the focus of interest. Period it seems there is no other way it works. I’m sure he would stop being paranoid if he understood himself more. I actually paid to get a 72 page profile from “16 personalities” I’m pretty sure you can do a search for it. It only cost me about $18.00 and it was worth every penny. They have tests but I had done my test years ago in a professional setting. I have done it again someplace else online for free and it was the same result. Op,s today I did the 16 personality test and it was INTP so maybe now that I am older something has changed a bit. Or I may just waver. So you can do a search and it will also give you free places to do that. Wouldn’t it be interesting if all us ADD-ADHD’ers were in that 4% corner. LOL I am so glad I put this topic up here, I find it very satisfying when I can assist someone else with something. It makes all the rejection I get at other times worth it.
P.S. I sure wish I had the memory for Biblical things like I used to. I bet if your son went into the ministry he would EXCEL.
*BIG Smile*
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 13, 2013 at 12:37am

Yes,
it’s interesting to identify a characteristic or personality trait.  In a measure I have done this through many books that list personality traits.

It’s another thing for a person to acknowledge and take ownership of that characteristic…. and figuring out what to do with that. Is there a willingness to admit something that is obvious to everyone else? Is there a willingness to learn how to better cope with that trait and learn to make improvements in behavior over time?

With my husband I see him in denial and putting his head in the sand.  He’ll deny that it’s a significant problem where he needs to learn about it and ways to cope/behave.
How or why fix something that you don’t even acknowledge?
It’s prideful, arrogant….  avoiding the big white elephant in the room.

He has denied he had ADHD for 40 yrs.  As I read the ADD books, I found myself in there, too in a different form.  It didn’t take me long to seek an ADHD eval and I openly talked about my issues, my behaviors, how I was feeling, if the med was working.
Only after I addressed my own issues was he willing to be honest about himself and then he slowly came out of his closet.  So these are positive baby steps in the right direction…  but there is a long way to go…  many things that may never improve.

And on the other hand, sometimes I think he feels entitled to his disordered traits and is lazy about it, doesn’t care about the fallout crap that the rest of us are left to deal with’.
You know, an ‘if you don’t like it, leave’ attitude.
It may take that…  and even then, he may not be interested to look deeper @ himself….  or care whether he continues to make those around him miserable. 
Perhaps if he was isolated long enough, he would think about it.

Posted by BS&Tears; on Dec 17, 2013 at 10:04pm

BS&Tears; (creative name by the way, gets right to the point smile ) -

Something else to think about - this is a tough one to put out there, but in light of the idea that it might help, I will talk about it - fear.

I have had terrible anxiety problems that’s all fear based as most anxiety is - fear or worry.  Basically, any setting where I’m not in control, my guard goes up.  Groups are tough like Sue said unless you get to just be a bystander and listen with an option to walk away quietly, or you are the center of it.  If you feel like you’re constantly being judged by others because of the looks you get or from past experiences and you know 100% that yes, you really are different, letting your guard down is not easy, and taking control is sometimes the only way to get the fear to go away, even if it means being an ass.  Fear is no fun.

If your husband has this control thing happening constantly, he is probably putting away A LOT of fear.  Like doing the things he only wants to do - are the things you’re suggesting putting him out of his element, are they spur of the moment?  When my husband mentions doing something spur of the moment, I cringe because in my brain, it wasn’t part of my plans for the day and technically he’s asking me to make a change that wasn’t planned - it really freaks me out and I don’t handle it well.  If I suggest something spur of the moment though (chances are it’s not as spur of the moment as it seems) it’s got to be awesome and I fully expect everyone to think it’s a great idea and if they don’t, I have no problem being openly annoyed/frustrated/disappointed by the fact that they disagreed with me.

Here’s the catch - talking about this to anyone in depth is excruciatingly hard to do because there’s part of me that doesn’t get why I am like this - I just know that I am.  Any suggestion to change or alter this is taken in with anxiety as well because, again, I’m being asked to change, and unexpected change is utterly frightening - that and there’s this part of me that thinks, why on earth would I give up all this glorious control that I have over others - now, I’ve never told anyone that part, ever, but I wanted to share because it could be a secret thought on your husband’s part that he will never talk to you about even if you bring it up - letting go of what you feel like is a part of what has made you who you are for so long is very scary.

Also, that ruminating thing you mentioned is a big problem for many ADD’ers.  That and anger, I was told by a couple different doctors that specialize in ADD, are part of a whole host of impulse control issues.  Not everyone with ADD has bad impulse control problems but there’s some of us that have horrible impulse control. And having read all the ADD books, you know that doesn’t just mean buying to many things when you go shopping. smile  If your husband is an INTJ, then he probably has a pretty bad case of impulse control, which from your description of him, it sounds like he really does.

When I got diagnosed with ADD, I had gone to the therapist for some rage issues that were about to get out of hand and I was a little more than shocked to be told that I most likely had ADD. WHAT!?  How does rage convert to you have ADD!?  I almost told the therapist he was the crazy one, not me - I know my eyes said it.  But, I listened to what he had to say and after a few weeks, he formally diagnosed me with some of the most severe ADD he’s ever seen in a person.  Awesome, right - not only do I have ADD, but I have it worse than anyone that in my therapist’s 30 years on the job has ever seen. 

I hope that maybe this helps a little and that your husband continues down the path to being more open with you, and getting help.

I wanted to add as well, the thought of you leaving probably scares the shit out of your husband.  The more you talk about leaving for good, the more distant he will most likely become, not because he doesn’t love you but because to think about something so terrifying is too much for him.  I guess my thought on it is that it will have opposite the desired affect.  Another approach you may want to try is an openly affectionate one where you tell him that maybe you had a better idea, that instead of leaving, you are going to be his worst nightmare for a while - you’re going to love the crap out of him, and nothing he says or does can ever make you leave for good.  And in loving him, you’re going to continue to steer him towards the path of getting the help he needs, even if that means there’s going to be moments where he will be putting his five year old, me, me, me self in check and taking a moment to actively listen to what you have to say in the those moments where he’s trying to take over.  It might ease some of his tension if you make him realize, with confidence, that you are that person, that one person that no matter what, is there for him - that no matter how big of an ass he is to you (unless he somehow lost it and became physically abusive, which it doesn’t sound like he would - he sounds like, deep down, he’s got a big heart and much love for you),  that you are in it and that he needs to start not just thinking about, but being mindful of everything he does and says because for each mean or controlling thing he says or does, whether intentional or not, that you will be there to say, stop, are really aware of what you are doing or are about to do?  Make him get used to the idea that he must be truly aware of his actions and words because they do have an effect.

If you do that though, you must mean it, deep down, because there will be moments when you are going to want to tear each other’s hearts out, and he will probably mentally wear you down more than he has already at first, but chances are you know him better than anyone and you have the upper hand where you, if you think about it, have the opportunity to be one step ahead of him.  I’m guessing he has strategic moves he makes that never change when it comes to getting his way and you realistically, probably know every single move.  I imagine you have the ability to predict exactly what he’s going to do sometimes.  But this will also come with giving him options to be him, such as giving him the option to walk away from a conversation he’s bored with rather than steering it to be about him (just an idea). 

I’m not an expert by any means, I can only tell you what seems like would work based on experiences I have had.  I just know that if part of me ever thought my husband was going to leave and he said so in a manner that felt threatening to me, that I would be terrified of the idea and basically shut down the happy feelings I feel for him.  In short his threat would probably make everything worse in the long run.  I’m not by any means criticizing you or trying to say your ideas were wrong - I would be at my wit’s end if I were married to someone who was even remotely like me - leaving would be one of my thoughts as well.  Being dearly devoted to someone like that has got to be painstakingly, heartbreaking at times.  I say good on you for sticking with it - you have got to be one tough lady with an immense amount of patience and love for your husband, you should be giving yourself heaps of credit for that. 

Pray hard and don’t give up.  Your husband, though he may not show it, needs you. 

God Bless You. smile

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 18, 2013 at 6:14am

Wow that was long but I feel it was right on. I know I totally shut down and pull away from anyone who acts remotely like they would like to be away from me.
I have had 65 years of heartbreak and don’t even give people the option to dump me first now. In fact I don’t even give them a chance to get near me until they have shown for a long time that they like me. I have learned to be alone and talked myself into allowing people to think I prefer it that way. I really don’t know who I am fooling but I do have a very closed off heart now.
Maybe I should think about getting a psychologist friend again, They seem to be the only people who understand me well enough to truly like me too.
Please take this all with a grain of salt I am having a financially stressful week and a friend who dumped me almost a year ago has finally apologized and we are renewing our connection. It’s hard… I find I have to stop thinking and feel my way through that. Thankfully It’s a friend I had when I was 5 and she was 4 so we know the real people under all the crap the world has damaged us with. It has a basis in the kind of love little children have and as long as we allow that to flow there are no walls.  It’s a blessing even when it’s heartbreaking.
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 18, 2013 at 10:10am

That’s actually pretty awesome Sue that you have someone you’ve know for so long that can be a friend - I hope that it goes well for you. smile

I sent you a couple emails to the regular email address you gave me, did you get them?

Megan

P.S. It was a bit long, but once I start typing, it flows and I always have trouble stopping… smile

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 18, 2013 at 12:14pm

Megan I am the same when I start typing. I think I saw one from you but it must have accidentally gotten deleted. Please please resend it. I get so many junk emails it is ridiculous. So make sure it says something like INTJ on it or something. I remember seeing something like that & I was going to read it but it disappeared before I could. Must have gotten gone with the junk as I always delete that before I can sort my real mail.
Thanks for asking. Please just go into your sent mail and forward it to me again.
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Dec 19, 2013 at 1:18am

Sue -

Done.  Just did a resend on the emails.

Megan

Posted by ADDLife on Dec 19, 2013 at 6:00am

Thank you ADDLife for your great post! 

You are able to kind of peel the onion back layer by layer and produce a lot of helpful insight most people are unaware of.  I think you should consider writing a book…  I have never read one with the info that you had to share, which would help loved ones understand what is going on in his mind…  the secret things he would never admit to.

Here is an example… 
My father and my sister are alcoholics.  After years of dealing with them, I read the book:
‘Drinking: A Love Story’ by Caroline Knapp
It was such an enlightening autobiography of her own alcoholism and the process of hitting bottom prior to rehab.  Her book revealed her own brutally honest emotional dynamics with drinking, the planning, the work, the cover-ups, the regrets, the things missed out on, the miserable drunken phone calls, etc, etc.
After reading this book, I felt like I understood my sister (& my dad who had passed on).  I read the book to Mom and every few pages we would stop and discuss what went on, our feelings and plans.  It was so very therapeutic…  plus we went to Al-Anon which was also so helpful.  The thing is….  many of the things I learned in Al-Anon can also be applied to dealing with this crazy ADD behavior.

With every book I have read, my understanding has increased (many ‘whys’? are addressed).
Few authors write about the high incidence of ADD and pre-mature birth.  Gabor Mate in ‘Scattered’ does address this issue.  My husband was born 2 1/2 months early…  plus it runs in the family!

To understand the foundation of why ADD exists is one thing.  To understand the foundation of daily emotional/behavioral dynamics is another thing…  and how to cope with it all. 
ADDLife….  you expressed so well your attempts at coping from the ADD side…  and gave some good suggestions for us trying to cope with it all on the other side.  I understand what you said and can see the thought processes behind his behaviors as you described could be somewhat accurate for him…  esp the fear underneath the control.

Developing a few ‘Boundaries’ (book by Henry Cloud) over the years has helped me to sort through what I will accept and what I won’t.  After awhile, one tends to get worn down, you know. It’s about respecting the rights of others to have a point of view and own the freedom to express it…  or carry out their plans as they will.  Each person has a right to be heard even if one disagrees with the other party. 
Sometimes around here… (since I know my husband will also automatically nix about everything)...  I present an idea so he can think about it awhile.  Oftentimes, he warms up to the idea sooner or later. 
With my adult kids, he has had to learn to let them be adults, do as they will for they are no longer under his control. (but he still tries to control them)

With me, he has learned to drop much of the control, too, when he sees that I have come to the place where I could care less about a number of things… and I don’t appreciate him deciding things for me without discussing it with me first.  That no longer works here!.
He used to say ‘If you do that, I’ll be pissed!’ Then I figured out to answer ‘You’re usually pissed anyway, so what’s the difference?’

It has not been easy! We are not experts here… 
not always coping well at all.  I am thankful for the help I have from the Lord as well as Christian friends…  don’t know what I would do without the Lord! His Word is my lifeline, too!

Posted by BS&Tears; on Jan 01, 2014 at 10:57am

I will think about writing a book. I never know
where to start or what to say without the other side of the conversation. I might just have to address that in some way.
I haven’t said much lately because I haven’t been feeling well. I have pulled back and conserved what energy I do have so I can get the hard work of firewood and animal care done around here with no one to help.
I really feel over stretched. I hope it gets better soon. We’ll see.
Sue

Posted by missmix48 on Jan 01, 2014 at 1:35pm

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