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ADD Ruined Relationship?

I’m 26 years old and was just diagnosed with ADD.  I struggled for 5 years to finish college and just wasn’t able to focus enough.  The last week my life has been turned upside down.  My fiance who I had been dating for 2 years, engaged to for 1 year, left me.  ADD played a huge role.  For the last 4 months I had been going to counseling because of angry outbursts I was having (especially when I drank).  I had issues controlling my alcohol intake when I started drinking especially when among friends.  Money was my other weakness, I had a tendency to spend money on frivolous things and I couldn’t resist the urge which led to some trust issues.  Through these issues, and counseling, I was diagnosed with ADD.  My fiance had been working with me and coming to counseling with me as well: she controlled the money so I had limited access to fund and a budget, I started taking an anti-anxiety medication as well as Adderall.  Things were starting to get better, slowly but surely, it wasn’t going to be an overnight fix.  But apparently it was too late.  She left me a week ago because she “couldn’t handle it anymore”.  I know it was hard on her but she promised to work with me as long as I was getting help.  I guess that changed.  My world has been turned upside down and I’m really lost.  Has anyone else gone through a similar loss due to their ADD?  Do you have any advice for how to get my life back together and prevent this from happening in the future?  I’ve been budgeting very carefully, stopped drinking, continuing counseling, and continuing to take medications as prescribed.  What helped you get through similar situations?

Replies

So sorry to hear about your situation. Have you visited the http://www.adhdmarriage.com website? Lots of resources that can help you, as well as others sharing their stories and advice on the blog. Best wishes and congratulations on learning to manage your ADHD. It looks like you are on the right path.

Posted by HallowellCenter on Aug 07, 2014 at 7:14pm

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this awful time.  It is so frustrating to have a Mr. Hyde that keeps sabotaging the life that your Dr. Jeckyll works so hard to create. 

Unfortunately, I’m only one of many other people with ADHD who know exactly what your talking about and what you’re going through.  Regarding your fiance, my ex-wife, and every person with ADHD whose partner left them, the reality of the situation is that people (especially women) crave the peace of mind that comes from financial and emotional stability, and until we can lasso, take down and hog tie our ADHD, we’re “cursed” to a life of instability, which seems to commonly lead to solitude. 

We seem to be a very persistent bunch, and I hope you’ll realize to your core that you have it in you to make the very serious changes needed to live the life you can.  I’ve worked on doing the things that I hope will minimize my susceptibility to repeating so many of the poor decisions I’ve made: self-awareness, humility meditation, working out, stopped drinking, etc.  It sounds like you’re similarly rebooting yourself.  You can do it!!! 


In the meantime, I’ve found that this book is offers wonderful insight into how “failures”, “mistakes” and other obstacles prepare us for much greater success than we’d otherwise achieve. 

book/audiobook:http://www.amazon.com/The-Obstacle-Is-Way-Timeless/dp/1591846358

Posted by Louis Wellmeier on Aug 07, 2014 at 9:18pm

I am sorry to hear of your break-up, but I am also glad to see that you have been working it trough with yourself about how it happened. One thing I do know from experience is that drinking on ADHD meds is a bad combination. I was taking straterra and drinking on top of it and it really changed my personality, I was angry all the time and for no reason. The Dr. that first prescribed the straterra put me on way to high of a dose. I went to another Dr, and he weaned me off of it. It took a year and a half.to remove it from my system. I also quit drinking, So I would strongly recommend that you either stop drinking or quit taking ADHD meds.

Posted by Rancher John on Aug 08, 2014 at 3:01am

Anxiety that this may happen to you again is a very real fear (http://www.additudemag.com/q&a/ask_the_adult_add_expert/9370.html). But you need to recognize that you are already taking all the steps to have a better relationship in the future by working on improvement for yourself.

The fact that you are seeking treatment and making positive changes signifies a great strength.

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mom to Tween Boy with ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Aug 08, 2014 at 4:30pm

When it rains, it pours.  At 25 it’s sometimes difficult to see the horizon when there are so many waves breaking over your bow. There is a sunny horizon.. and it sounds like you will find it.

We are susceptible to some pretty intense bouts of depression.. It’s one of those co-morbidities that you need to be aware of.  If you fall into it (who would not, given what you are facing), you need to have it addressed.  In fact, cut it off at the pass and talk to your doc about it now if you have not already done so. 

The good news: “I’ve been budgeting very carefully, stopped drinking, continuing counseling, and continuing to take medications as prescribed.”

It’s still early August.  You are stopping the bad stuff and are creating good habits.  Is there any chance of you enrolling in a community school to keep up with your schooling?

To be sure, I failed out of 2 academic programs prior to finding my niche.  And, while struggling, I always kept at it.. even inbetween programs, I attended night school at some community dive. 

You are keeping on the path… you have not crawled under a rug and hidden.  You have put in the stops on behaviors that hurt you and you are trying to build good habits.  You are doing the right stuff, you just need to do more of it…  You can…

I can say this ...  You are handling your disasters better than I handled mine.  Keep at it… Good luck

Posted by LakeLife on Aug 09, 2014 at 1:44pm

I understand what you are going through. I lost a fiancee of five years. My younger brother had passed suddenly 2 years before she left. It sent me into a deep depression only making my ADHD even worse. My mind was constantly racing. She always wanted to go out to these dance clubs and those were so overstimulating to me. I started to just let her go out by herself. I reverted to bad adhd coping habits such as Hyper-focusing out into the television all day long. I wasn’t on meds and that is the only way I could stop the racing unorganized thoughts and daydreams. When I wasn’t doing that I was pacing around the house like a mad person. She would have to scream my name over and over to even get my attention. A conversation with me was constant “Huh’s”..“I’m sorry, could you repeat that again”?
   
      I started to sense that something was wrong. She started spending more time on the computer. We barely spoke the last couple of months of our relationship. I would ask if she was unhappy, if she wanted us to go to couples counseling? She would say no everything was fine. I was confused whether the problem was our relationship or her own mental issues acting up so I just took her word for it. She eventually started meeting new people, hanging out and ultimately ended up falling for someone else. She claims to this day she didn’t leave me for this person. However I still have a hard time believing that, considering they were hanging out and it was only a week after the break up that they started dating seriously.
   
      The first 6 months of the break-up was hell because I handled it all wrong. I was so angry I wanted to just say F off to everybody. I shut out any possible support system. I wanted to drink my pain away alone. It was essentially like deciding to ram my body into a brick wall over and over again until the emotional pain ceased to exist. I eventually picked myself up and clawed my way out of that deep, dark and dank hole I was imprisoned in. I got on meds and stopped the drinking. I started meditating and working on my spiritual side. Finally there were more good days in my life than bad. 
 
      We have been broken up for almost a year and a half now. The relationship she got into immediately after ours ended up not working out… (Shocking!!...too much baggage maybe?)..lol.
Through it all we were able to remain good friends. I’m happy that at least our friendship survived. I eventually learned to accept the fact that we just weren’t meant to be and that wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. I didn’t want to believe that I had wasted all of those years on a false hopes and dreams. Then it just hit me one day that I hadn’t wasted anything. That our relationship was meant to be, just not forever. Our relationship was a prequel to this amazing time of growth that I’m fortunate enough to be apart of.

    Unfortunately Jsands many people make promises that they do not keep. I suspect that the majority of people probably have every intention of honoring the promises they make. Some just don’t realize what they are actually up against, because mere thought of stress, physical pain, and emotional pain is nothing compared to the actual experience of feeling intense stress or pain. Some people just cannot tough it out when real challenges present themselves in relationships and far too many people blame others for how they are feeling.

      My advice to you is remember that you really don’t know what is going to happen between you and your ex in the near future. It has only been a week however and remember nothing is ever written in stone. Sometimes people just need time apart and they end up working it out. You could possibly find yourself back together in days to come. However you are in the here and now so try to make the best out of the things you do have control over. While you have this break from the responsibilities of a relationship try to concentrate solely on you and your health. Continue what you have been doing for the last 4 months. It is not going to be easy, you will have ups and downs. I know you are hurting deeply right now just keep taking it day by day, nothing more. If she were to come back to you in the future then you will be in an even better place than you were when she left. If she doesn’t decide to come back or you decide you don’t want her back, you will be in a better place for the right girll when she comes along. Try to continue to stay away from drinking. It is a facade and will only make it even more difficult.. Healthy support is what you need. Try to hang out with or meet healthy friends that actually care about your well being. Try to keep a safe distance from the “friends” that are really just looking for a drinking buddy. Support groups are also good way to meet people that can understand you. I attend 4 a week on top of my therapy and meds.  Meetup com is a good site to find groups. Not just mental health groups but social groups as well such as singles groups for instance. They seriously have groups and events for almost any activity you can think of. The indi movie group gets together and watches new indie movies together, music lovers go to concerts, and the athletic group gets together and plays different sports. When I decided to improve my lifestyle I had to distance myself from a lot of people in my circle. I basically had to start over and find a different social scene. I personally attend adhd and anxiety groups I found on that site. I also go to a meditation group I found there.

  Most importantly Jsans remember that this pain is not everlasting. The only real cure for that pain is time. It will be rough for the first couple months but once you get over that hill you will notice that it is getting better and better. You will get through this just like you have come through other trying times in the past. Not only will you get through this but if you do it the healthy way you will come out of this a stronger and healthier person. In a year or so you are going to be posting threads on here about how much better your life is, and how far you have come. You are also going to come out of this with priceless wisdom that you can use to help others through life challenges.

Posted by Cherrybomb78 on Aug 10, 2014 at 3:23am

Cherrybomb78 and others (especially - to the writer of ‘ruined relationship)

I can relate extremely well
I am 47, jut separated from my wife of 17 years
I’m an emotional mess:

I wrote this the other day: Confused and Frustrated

I am 46 and I have lived with add my whole life only getting mildly tested 4 yrs ago. I’ve been on adderal for the past 3 years. My life is in shambles as I am separated form my wife; almost for 4 weeks now (mostly due to add and my own fault; oh and I have no job / no income)
I do have 2 amazing kids whom I love dearly. I love my wife, though I cannot blame her for leaving…. I am hoping and praying she will reconcile . .

I am going to find another drug - I do not feel I can be on adderall (I hate the up and downs and its another reason my wife left me)
- I also need to stop drinking
both together are a horrific combination

I am an emotional wreck - I can cry at any moment for any reason . . .

thank you for your words Cherrybomb78
I expect everything to get worse (thats the negative in me that I live with daily . . . )

I know I’ll be in a better place someday, I just hope my wife will be with me. Im even crying right now ..

It is so hard to switch off my emotions and deal with what I need to do

Im such an all or nothing person. I want and need my wife in my life so much, though on the other side; out of site, out of mind
Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t . . .sigh . .

- See more at: http://connect.additudemag.com/groups/topic/Confused_and_frustrated/#sthash.PIFiwRvf.dpuf

Posted by bee1 on Aug 12, 2014 at 6:23pm

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