Parents of ADHD Teens and Young Adults
ADD is used when she "needs" it! Help!!
My husband¡Çs daughter (she is 20,lives with her mom) was diagnosed with ADD two years ago. She is on medication and says herself it helps.
When she is with us we really dont ask too much of her but a little help with household chores like putting her cup and plate in dishwasher after eating, making her bed, taking out trash when it’s full, maybe setting table once but that’s about it. REALLY! So far it never worked! We tried lists or asked her to do it. Nothing!
Last time she was here she told us she has a great app on her iPad now that helps her being organized and to do things. But we didn’t see a single thing but heard “you know that I have ADD and have problems doing one thing at a time!”
But is that really the case because the time she is here become more and more frustrating!
Our 8 year old daughter started making her bed and folding her clothes last time. But that can’t be the solution!! That others do her “work”.
I know someone with ADD has to approach things differently but in our case that doesn¡Çt work as ADD is the ¡Èevil¡É. But it¡Çs only used for everything she doesn¡Çt want to do.
What can we do?? I¡Çm grateful for any advice, solution or possible experience !
Thanks!!!!
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Replies
Please take the time to learn more about ADD.
While I agree ADD is not an excuse for not being responsible it may be a reason.
Learning to manage it is very difficult for some people and being diagnosed at 18 did not make it easier for her. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. We know it’s not true but I think we can agree it is harder.
It would not surprise me if she has not gotten her meds correct and gone to therapy to learn the new behaviors that you expect.
Apps and timers help but they are only a crutch, if they don’t get used than it is no help.
Forgetfulness is common and remembering to take meds when the meds are out of your system is not uncommon. Catch 22
What you can do is be supportive and helpful by talking to her about what it is she is doing to help herself.
What kind of things she might like you to help her to remember when she is there.
Let her know it is not an excuse for her being irresponsible but give her the leeway to make mistakes and practice new behaviors.
Your frustration and feeling helpless is perfectly understandable but will not help her and only make you crazy.
In my case no one is harder on myself than me. I have to learn the hard way sometimes to the great frustration to those around me.
Try to imagine that she had a brain injury caused by an accident. You would not be frustrated that you had to help her learn how to do things a new way or again. She would be the frustrated one because she wan’t able to perform like other people.
When she was diagnosed she got the news that she has a brain defect causing her to unconscionably do things that others don’t or not be able to do things that others can.
Dr. Ned Hallowell likened it to a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes. Many of the normal things you think we should be doing to be part of the community we just blow by because we could not stop.
Making beds? Are you kidding? I can’t stop for such a menial task when I’m barely able to get out the door to do what I need to do.
But to you it’s important, it shows respect. Like cleaning up and other tasks. In fact you might find it very uncomfortable to leave dirty dishes in the sink.
It holds very little meaning for her and it is a behavior that she has to learn to do but understand that it is not a natural thing to do.
Imagine the frustration you would feel if you were forced to not clean the dishes until the next morning. It would be easier for you than for her to learn the new behavior.
But she needs to. She will never be perfect or probably do it to your satisfaction but however much she can get better at it than take it as a positive step, a small victory for both of you.
Sorry that it won’t be gumdrops and rainbows but I think you can learn to deal with it as much as she needs to.
It may take a few years until her maturity catches up with reality but when it does and you start seeing improvements than you can be satisfied that you were supportive and helpful.
Just my humble opinion.
Augie
http://addsherpa.com
My 15 y/o ADD son is the same way! I have ADD so I understand but my husband doesn’t. BTW,
my son was just now standing in front of the sink & I firmly told him to do the dishes & he gladly did….go figure!
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