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ADD & moving on from relationships

My ex ended our relationship about two months ago, reasons being that I’m too emotional, not trusting, not confident, blow things out of proportion, over think things too much, change my mind too often €¦ List goes on, but everything I can pretty much contribute to my ADD. Well, as much as I want him back, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. So I’ve been doing everything I can to try and get over him and move on from the relationship.
I’m still able to get up every day, go to work, go to school, and get what I need to done.
But my mind is driving me crazy. Naturally, I can’t help but constantly over think the situation. I feel like I’m hyper focusing on the breakup and our relationship and it’s distracting me from being fully engaged and happy in life. I’ve been getting better during the daytime, but at night, maybe because my medicine has worn off, I’m a complete mess.
Communication has been cut off, I have learned to finally restrain myself from looking at his social media or trying to talk to him.
But I feel like the overanalyzing is never going to go away. I can’t help but beat myself up over the thought that if I had managed my impulses better we might still be together.
Someone please help me feel like I’m not alone.

Replies

Yup.  How’s your medication doing? Also, if you’re ready, join a dating Web site.

Posted by organizationschmorganization on Dec 17, 2013 at 9:22am

My dear-you are not alone. I have broken up with a business partner of 6 plus years and over 30 year friendship and it’s been hell on me. What makes it worse is that we still work in the same office- with our desks next to each other.  And it seems he’s turned into someone i don’t even know anymore in some ways. He finally got tired of my adhd behavior affecting not just our ability to make money, but also it took away from his overall effectiveness- so i guess while on one hand i get it- on the other its difficult to let go. We have a tendency to rethink it, ruminate on it, and blame ourselves which affects our self-esteem in so many negative ways.  We want to fix it. Get another do over. I try to remember that i did the best i could do with the tools i had- so i am now learning i need new tools- because the ones i had weren’t working as well as they should have. Not sure how bad you had ADHD, but i have had it for many years and while trying to deal with it over the years, it has held me back in so many ways- accept that you have it and work on yourself- because most others don’t understand what you are exactly going through- they can’t unless they have it.  So work on yourself and don’t wait until later in life as I have- it gets more and more frustrating and carries with it many years of difficult memories- if I remember them!  Thanks God that’s the good part about ADHD- you can’t remember all your mistakes!- oops i mean lessons!

Posted by Catman99 on Dec 17, 2013 at 9:39am

I am experiencing the same thing…bearable during the day but the nights are horrific.  Sobbing, hyperventilating, hyperfocused on what I don’t have, on how overwhelmed I am, completely consumed by thoughts of giving up, ending the no-win situation of messy house, messy office, messy car, credit card debt, scattered and foggy at work, dirty laundry everywhere.  It’s manageable during the day but at night, when my meds wear off, I am lost and hopeless and literally sobbing and rocking back and forth, just terrorized by anxiety.  I gradually calm down and get to sleep somehow.  The mornings are still full of being unsure, shaky, a constant mantra of “What am I gonna do?  What am I gonna do?  What am I gonna do?” running around and around in my head.  And thinking, if I could get my ex-husband back here to help me, to reassure me, it would all be so much better, that his presence would make it seem manageable.  But he made me miserable, and I made him miserable.  And I need to remember that.  It’s important to remeber what did NOT work between you two and hold onto that truth like a life raft.  Tomorrow is another day, there is always an opportunity for me to do one or two things better, to satisfy ME.  No one else is gonna rescue me.  I’m all I have and I’ll have to make it work.  No other choice.  Just do it.

Posted by hitwcidb on Dec 17, 2013 at 8:23pm

I lost a job, through no fault of my own, back in 2005.  It was humiliating.  They scraped my permit off of my windshield and then went with me to collect my belongings from my office.  They wouldn’t even let me say good-bye.  I was so happy there - for once my behavior wasn’t a deficit!  There were lots of other smart, quirky people there.  They didn’t hold my depressive symptoms against me.  I was heartbroken.  I still miss them and it has been nearly 9 years.  I beat myself up over not following up on the clearance my employers were supposed to be having set up.  It never occurred to me that they hadn’t gotten it done.

I am still playing the “if only…” game.  What hurt most is that none of them stayed in touch with me.  Probably for the best - I would just have whined to them over something they didn’t have control over either.

You might want to talk to your doctor about taking an evening/night dose of your meds.  I take Adderall and the stuff makes me sleepy!  I often take naps after I take it.  Clearly you need some help in the evening - you’re probably right about your difficulties being due to your medication wearing off.  I watch the clock while I’m working so I know when to take the second dose.  I can’t keep my head together at work without it.  Taking it on my days off helps too.  I try to make my prescriptions last as long as possible so try to avoid this but I enjoy my days off more because I can actually concentrate on whatever it is I’m doing, even if it’s just laundry.

Don’t wait to get help with this - you’ve suffered enough already!

Best of luck to you and keep us posted!

Posted by Missed That on Dec 17, 2013 at 11:54pm

You are certainly not alone. I went through the same emotional rollercoaster when my marriage ended. I was lucky to get 3 hours of sleep in a night. I lost over 30 pounds in a little over a month because I couldn’t eat. My mind was bombarded every moment with the thoughts of living life without my wife and kids. Seemed impossible. I wanted it to stop, I wanted things to be ok. I didn’t know I had adhd, and when I was diagnosed I thought it would make as much sense to her and everyone else as it did to me. No one seems to understand how difficult it is to be expected to be normal when our brains just aren’t. My relationship with my wife never got better, but I did. I survived the crazy over thinking process. I survived the emptiness of not being with the person I loved. I survived the feelings of being judged for actions I constantly work toward correcting. what ever you’re feeling right now will pass, and in the process you’ll learn things about yourself, and your strength to endure that you didn’t know before.

Posted by mmebs on Dec 18, 2013 at 8:20am

You are definitely not alone, dear. I was just discussing this VERY SAME THING with my therapist yesterday. I am also going through a break up that feels more like a divorce. My ex also judged me very harshly and could not separate ME from my ADHD, the overly emotional aspects, the overanalyzing, the forgetfulness, absentmindedness, and just overall all over the damn place, so here I am. It didn’t help that I was off of my meds due to insurance complications for about a year. He never really took the time to educate himself (as much as I begged him to) on the disorder, and actually is one of those who is very big on “mind over matter” bullshit. I got so tired of explaining myself over and over that mind over matter does not work for me. I’m obsessing over it all day and all night, though. I’ve also stopped eating. I am getting back on my meds and am almost at the dosage I’m supposed to be on, so I’m hoping to find some relief soon…but I am terrified. I am so happy to have found this website and the groups and read my same stories being told by others! This is exactly what I needed. You need to find a support group, even if its just reading these blogs EVERY DAY. I didn’t realize how badly I needed it until I got it. That light bulb went off like “WOW! I really thought I could do this all on my own”. I also like that suggestion of joining a dating site. I’m actually trying that one as we speak too! Keep reminding yourself that if they could not accept you AS YOU ARE you don’t want the extra stress! Our brains f@$#! with us enough, we don’t need someone else adding to it…..

GOOD LUCK!

Posted by yellowrose on Dec 18, 2013 at 7:18pm

First of all, thank you to everyone for making me feel so much better.
Like a couple of you, I lost a lot of weight. My doctor is convinced it’s my Adderall, but I know its situational since the Adderall worked perfectly fine for me for so long. Unfortunately, he’s now switching me to Strattera which I’m really hesitant about… I’m slowly gaining weight back so if it doesn’t work, I can potentially go back.
I have been seeing a therapist, which does help as far as learning strategies to redirect my thoughts and filter thoughts out.

Posted by suzanne371 on Dec 19, 2013 at 9:48am

You are not alone with the hyperfocusing at night and the what-ifs.  I am not going through a break up but my marriage is strained due to my ADHD and reactivity.  I do alot of reading and listening to speakers with knowledge of going through hard times. I would recommend a Buddhist meditation teacher, Pema Chodron.  Her classic book, When Things Fall Apart, is inspirational because she points out that through pain we can move into greater self-love and overall spiritual health.  We just have to stay with the feelings as painful as they are, and go through them to reach a more tranquil state of mind.
I admit to still struggling with anxiety and have started a new med called Kapvay for dealing with what Dr. Dobson on this site calls rejection sensitive dysphoria and the anger and hyperfocusing that accompanies it.  Look up his article, if you have not seen it, called Devastated by Rejection.  It explains the condition.  Though we still have to deal with rejection feelings, knowing that they actually have a biological basis, helps.   
Good luck and God bless us all to deal with ADHD, particularly in relationships!

Posted by Yamalen on Dec 24, 2013 at 8:20am

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