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ADHD in Women

ADHD Mother of 3ADHD childrenI'm a NP how do I manage work&family;


I’m a 40 year old woman recently diagnosed with ADHD, and have 3 children, ages 10, 5, and 2 all with ADHD!  I don’t know how to manage anymore! ADHD symptoms didnt take control of my life until I lost my oldest sister to colon cancer at age 47 and my father who was 80 close to 10 mos. later due to a traumatic accident, he fell down his basement stairs fracturing C2 in front of my 2 oldest children, my girls were 8 and 3 at the time!  My husband who Ive now been with for 19 years has never been SUPPORTIVE, and Ive usually been the one who does it all!  The breadwinner as my husband is often unemployed due to the sometimes seasonal nature of his work, but prior to my fathers death he didn’t help with our kids typically either!  So, I ran like a chicken with my head cut off , often feeling like I was running in circles without getting anything done!  Unfortunately, I got things done, but not at the pace exspected of me, which turned into late work nights to finish paperwork for the day, and late to pick up my kids!  My husband never helped by picking up our kids even though when he was working, he was always done at 3:30! I think I have had a midlife crisis or a breakdown because of the constant chaos in my life! I know I’ve accomplished a lot in my life despite my ADHD, but I know its always taken me a lot more time and work to get things completed than my NON-ADHD coworkers!  I have been judged and put down my whole life, always being told I need to try harder, which never worked! I was tring hard and doing everything I possibly could, but it always took me longer than everyone else.  When I was tested for ADHD by a psychologist who specializes in ADHD, he told me I have above acerage inteligence, but diagnosed me with ADHD based on the results of his testing!  I wasn’t surprised as it runs in my family, my father was undiagnosed, but I believe he had it, as do myself and 1 of my 2 sisters, as well as my brother, 5 of my 7 nephews , and my kids, 2 girls and a boy!  I was always gifted in school in the earpy grade school years, I was in the gifted Math/Science program and ended up graduating a half year early because of this ( i could’ve graduated a year early, but my father wouldnt allow it! I passed all my regents classes, but school was exhausting, I could barely stay awake by the end of the day!  In High School, I had to take a nap everyday as soon as I got home! I was always very quiet, which was mostly related to experiences related to people judging me and making fun of me if I was trying to fit in and blurted out something silly or inappropriate!  In order to avoid further humiliation I did’t attempt to make new friends, I stuck with the other outcasts and people everyone picked on because I knew these people wouldn’t be as judgemental!  I decided after high school that I needed to stop caring so much about what other people thought, just because I was a little different , doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me !  THIS IS ME AND IF PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME, then THEY CAN STAY AWAY FROM ME! 
  I read in one of my books about MOMS WITH ADHD that HAVING CHILDREN WHEN U ALSO HAVE ADHD IS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN CONSTANTLY RUNNING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN, I understand that feeling, then lets make it a little worse, ADD A SPOUSE WHO DOESN’t believe IN ADHD, and IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AND COMPLETELY UNSUPPORTIVE WHO TELLS EVERYONE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, TO MAKE EVERYONE THINK YOU ARE EITHER CRAZY OR ON DRUGS, then ADD a DEMANDING CAREER REQUIRING YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION BECAUSE PEOPLES LIVES ARE AT RISK, and SYMPTOMS ASSOCIATED WITH GRIEF AND DEPRESSION DUE TO THE STRESS OF LIFE ASSOCIATED WITH TRYING TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE THINGS!  If my life wasn’t chaotic enough I found out I was pregnant with my third child a boy 4-6 weeks after my fathers death, which I wasn’t planning on because I had problems keeping a pregnancy after my first daughter was born, I had 3 miscarriages, which my OBGYN felt was related to the 2 units of blood I received after my oldest daughters birth, after which I developed a ANTIGEN in my blood, which my Dr. Told me could be associated with a high risk of fetal death!  So, I didn’t think there was any way I would have another child, but obviously I was wrong!  I elwas already stressed out and then I added yet another child, I must be crazy!  Through all of these life events I was working like a mad woman to keep up!  My husband and I have had worsening problems due to me distancing myself or being unavailable because I didn’t want to deal with the stress of confronting problems because I already had the weight of the world on my shoulders! 
A year ago I decided to try and figure out how to get my life back to a manageable experience in order to eliminate the constant chaos!  I went to a psychologist and was tested for and officially diagnosed with ADHD, I started counseling for depression, grief, and Domestic Violence secondary to my husband’s increasingly emotionally abusive behavior! I was put on an antidepressamt, which actually made me feel better and new ADHD meds!  I stopped working and decided to stay at home with my kids while my husband went back to work for once in our relationship!  Except for the time off after the birth of a child I have worked until The day I went into labor with each of my children! 
  My husband and I are now in marriage counseling, and he has been helping with caring for our children, however, I want to go back to work and I am worried that I will have more problems at work, which Iwas experiencing when I stopped a year ago!  I was only working 4 out of 5 days a week, but it was difficult for me to keep a consistent pace, in order to complete my work and get out at a reasonable time!  It has always taken me awhile to come up witb a consistent routine and plan to do my job,  see the number of patients I was assigned to see and dictate or write an crkappropriatebecome note for their medical record!  I know realize I must tell my next employer about the ADHD,in order for my work environment to
Be organized in order for it to be less chaotic and enable me to function at an appropriate level! 
I know how to do my job and I know I am an excellent Nurse Practitioner, and 90% if not more of the patients I have encountered would agree that I am knowledgable, I listen to them, and treat them appropriately, giving them the time and courtesy they deserve! 
I am now feeling significantly better, but I am worried about going back to work because nursing is famous for destroying new nurses especially , and the lSt job I had I was picked apart, continous ridiculously distracting calls, repeatedly asking how much longer until I would arrive, regardless of what I would say and if I didn’t get to them by the end of their shift they would tell the Chief Medical Officer , like I never saw a specific patient on a certain day, which isn’t true at all, i just hadnt gotten there yet by the time they went home for the day! 
In order for me to go back to work I would like to find and ADHD coach in Albany,NY to help me get my house in order and a routine established for my family, I will let my employer know from here on out about my diagnosis, are ther any other things anyone can think of that might help me? I need organization and structure, And my piles of disorganization are manageable, but i want structure and organization so I can be confident going back to work, so people won’t make bad judgements about my overall abilities before giving me time to adjust to my new position!

Replies

What you have on your plate would be difficult for anyone, then you’re adding your own ADHD to it.

I think instilling structure would be very helpful for you. Here’s an article on ADDitudeMag.com on how to implement structure for your kids, which helps parents manage everything too: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/683.html.

There’s also a useful article on managing work and family when you have ADHD yourself: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/804.html.

Have you considered an ADHD coach? They can help you devise helpful strategies to conquer some roadblocks and hold you accountable for implementing until they are habit.

Hang in there!

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator & Mom to Tween Boy with ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Feb 19, 2014 at 2:23pm

Hi there,

  I can completely and totally relate to everything you have written. I also have ADHD, have 3 kids (13yo Son with ADHD, 8yo daughter probably has it And 5yr old I think escaped it) . I also have the unsupportive husband who himself has ADHD. He has always worked, Although on the other end of The spectrum, he works too much because he doesn’t set boundaries at work, too detail oriented, OCD most likely, poor time management And org. skills, etc.

That leaves me to do everything including educating myself on ADHD to help us as a Couple, a family, and to help my kids at school. He has only recently Started to understand and try a little harder.

I am also an NP who suffers with the same work issues- productivity is a huge issue for me. In addition- - I live in Albany area as well. I have luckily somehow found a job where the focus is not as much on productivity though.

As for help w/ work-Penny had great suggestions.There is also an Adult ADHD Support Group that Started about 2 years ago. We meet in Latham once a month and the person who runs it is Susan Geston she is a social worker and ADHD coach. Google her and You can get her info. to contact her.
Or you can send me a private message if you want to talk more! Sounds like we would have a LOT to talk about!

Posted by Udderlycrazy on Feb 20, 2014 at 4:33am

Honestly? Find, scrimp, and do everything possible to get practical help. Hiring out housework saved my family. And a coach to help set up workable systems and reminders seem utterly necessary. From reading these two things might help more than marriage counseling. (I’m only sort of kidding here…)

Posted by llc on Feb 22, 2014 at 3:56am

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