Couples With One ADHD Partner
Brain incapable of emotional learning?
My wife is diagnosed ADHD/bipolar. I was “baited” in a typical case of getting hyper-focused attention in dating, then she “switched” after marriage to hyper-focusing on whatever was more stimulating than me. I’ve recently been reading up on ADHD and brain executive function. It seems that there is no solution but ADHDers simply have a physical (in the brain) abnormality that means she will never be able to control her emotional reactions.
Here’s a typical scenario: a social gathering with a few people. She dominates all conversation, unable to read non-verbal cues—end of story.
Something sets her off and she over-reacts, creating instant tension in everyone within earshot. She has no clue re why people are reacting to her. After the dust clears and she makes apologies (she is good at that), she will often claim, “But I wasn’t angry” and “Why did you think I’m angry?” or the strongest trump card, “I was just expressing how I felt, am I not allowed to do that?!”
We’ve been married for over 20 years. Within that time, I’ve tried calming her, “understanding” her, correcting, getting angry myself, ducking for cover and waiting it out, asking about enough meds (boom! with mushroom cloud), ignoring, allowing the chips to fall where they may, resigning myself to the fact that it’s just the way it is…
So re this aspect of ADHD and the lack of executive function that I am reading about, it seems that it’s just the way it is.
Is that right?
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