Confused and frustrated
I am 46 and I have lived with add my whole life only getting mildly tested 4 yrs ago. I’ve been on adderal for the past 3 years. My life is in shambles as I am separated form my wife; almost for 4 weeks now (mostly due to add and my own fault; oh and I have no job / no income) I have 2 amazing kids whom I love dearly. I love my wife, though I cannot blame her for leaving…. I am hoping and praying she will reconcile . .
so here it is:
I need to know there is someone else out there that feels like this:
I have these moments (I’ll call it the fog) where I am so confused, so foggy (I cannot see very clearly - even bright light affects me), so mentally unclear I need to be away from everyone!. I get so frustrated, so incredibly withdrawn I want to hide away. I cannot think straight.
I have no patience for anyone. I am quick tempered. I feel frantic sometimes in my head. (even on adderall)
I got so bad for 4-6 years, I would hide in a dark room on the floor at my work for 3 - 4 20 minute stretches laying still in the dark almost in a zen like state to hopefully regain some energy, some focus, and the will to want to be around people. (this rarely worked)
When I talk with someone in this state, I usually to speak in jumbled words, making no sense. There is no way I can get my feelings of my heart, to my thoughts in my head, and say those words with any sense at all. Why I say and what I feel sometimes is totally different Oh, and I forget what I say most of the time, because I remember the feeling, not the words Then I do not believe the person whom I am talking too, and argue my feelings vs my words. loosing most of the time.
I am also incredible vague. People have to ‘figure me out’
So, then why talk? I am incredible sensitive, affected by anyones energy and feelings in the room. I fall into their emotional state then get confused while trying to balance their emotional state and my state of emotions. Thus, nothing gets said on my behalf.
Most of that dark period is better (although it happens on occassion). Even the 10-15mg of adderal (3x day) does nothing. I would try many cups of coffee for a boost. I even drank almost the same time everyday (around 5ish). I drank not to slow me down and relax; to give me an energy rush to keep going mentally and physically. I also drank out of frustration for the way I was feeling and for no one getting it. So, you can imagine how well I’ve done mixing alcohol and adderal. . . I don’t drink very much anymore, - not a good combo
No dr seems to get this. I spend so much time educating myself on add, sometimes its overwhelming.
I am learning a lot, though practicing it, is the trick! I am looking for a new psychiatrist (he’s just writing the med slips every month - even put me on cymbalta which killed and flatlined all my emotions so I looked like a stone faced, unfeeling zombie. Another step towards divorce. (not on cymbalta anymore - went off it myself. I needed to feel again. And boy, am I. I am an emotional wreck somedays.
There are better days, don’t get me wrong; when I am productive and doing well. Mostly because I think I am hyper-focused on the task at hand. A blessing and a curse. . . I stay as positive as I can. That Helps a lot!
I exercise very hard almost daily, eat great (don’t sleep well - restless and do to my life’s challenges now)
- occasional sugar (I think I need to quite sugar), probably too much coffee
... Ok, enough for now; I could go on and on and on . . .
does anyone ever feel this ‘mental and physical fog’?
thank you for allowing me to vent . .
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