Coping/revamping without husband's knowledge?
Hello, I’m new to this forum and I apologize if this has already been covered…today has been a meltdown day for me and I just can’t seem to get my feet back under me. Hoping someone here can throw me a rope!!
I am 42 years old, was diagnosed with ADHD at age 29 (although have fought it all my life) and have developed many non-med coping mechanisms that worked well enough (not perfect, but well enough to function) when I was single. I have always been lower-income and medication/regular therapy is just not an option, the money is simply not there.
A year ago I married a wonderful man - but a man who is old-fashioned and doesn’t really believe in mental illness at all, let alone ADHD. Our church definitely backs up this belief - considers ADHD a made-up diagnosis that can be completely cured with enough prayer and faith. I do NOT hold this belief myself, but I am, of course, open to the idea that prayer and faith can and do help with all of life’s difficulties.
There are many, many layers to what I’m dealing with today and it’s too much for an introductory email so I will get to the bottom line: Is there a way to get my ducks in a row without calling it “treatment” etc.
Will add really quickly - I am running a home business and also caring for my adult disabled daughter full-time. There’s a LOT to keep track of, even if I wasn’t fighting my own ADHD. Absolutely need all of the extra physical and mental energy that God has given me…just need to get it all going in the same direction!
Before we got married, I was using Pam Jones/Peggy Young’s index card system (with my own modifications) and managing to stay on top of the most important things in my life. Not everything, there were still a few things that got missed, a few people who got disappointed, etc. But it wasn’t overwhelming. I was managing.
Husband thinks I am using the cards as a crutch (and maybe he’s right) and that I am over-complicating things that just shouldn’t be that difficult. This is embarrassing to admit but for the sake of illustration I will give you an example. I will forget to brush my teeth in the morning if I don’t have it on a card. I’m 42 years old and need reminded, daily, to brush my teeth. I can understand his confusion over this because he is a person who has a very set and structured routine that he does not have to think about.
I have tried and tried to establish these kind of routines. For me, they just don’t “stick” if I don’t have an external reminder device. That “21 day” rule for establishing a habit has never worked for me. Come day 22 (or day 30 or day 90 or week 6) and I’m off doing something else as if I never worked at it at all…it doesn’t STICK unless I have that external device. He is right that my system does, in fact, add more layers of complexity to household chores and such…it DOES take me longer to get stuff done than it would if I just remembered what needs to be done. But at least, with this system…I was getting 80% of life DONE…the alternative to let my mind wander off chasing a butterfly, lose 3 or 4 hours of my day, and then NOTHING getting done.
Is there something a little more “normal” that I can do…something that looks more normal and won’t look so much like I’m leaning on a crutch? Maybe something that you have developed say, in the workplace where people might not know (or care) that you have ADHD?
I’m sorry this is so wordy and I appreciate any insight you can offer…except please don’t suggest I leave my husband. He is a good man and I’ve made a commitment to him, not leaving him…he just doesn’t really get this and I’m lousy at trying to explain it to him.
Thanks anyone who responds!
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