Couples With One ADHD Partner
Crushed and confused after marriage proposal declined. Have I fai
Hello. I have just joined this group seeking the help and advice of others that might be able to bring some perspective to the end of my relationship.
I am the male/non ADD ex BF that was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years with a non diagnosed, non treated, openly admitting GF of ADD. When we met we were both coming out of disastrous 12 year marriages. We met on match.com and there was instant connection and chemistry. The relationship moved very quickly into a passion, lust, connectedness that I had never experienced nor did I know existed. Within three months she was head over heels and began talking marriage and our future together. At that time however, I pushed back and broke things off because when we first met, I had just come from a horrible marriage and had the attitude that I would never marry another woman again because I never wanted to give my heart and life to someone again to have them crush it and have to experience that pain like I did from my cheating ex wife. We were apart for only a few days and I truly missed that hyper focused attention and love so we talked and discussed taking things slow. We continued on and I remember the euphoric feelings that I had for this woman. There was constant attention on me, towards me and the sex life was like none I had ever known. Her sexual appetite was insatiable and she craved and wanted it constantly. As a male, I thought I was in relationship heaven. We did so many things and activities as a couple that on our one year anniversary I remember telling her that I had done, accomplished and experienced more with her in 12 months than I had in 12 years with my ex. My/our life was amazing!! The second year started to take a turn when conflict began to arise regarding the mixing and personalities of our children. I really began to notice some differences within her son in terms of his disengagement/acceptance of me and my kids. Very little conversation, would isolate himself in his room, wouldn’t engage in conversation. Constantly watched TV (17 hrs straight one day while at my house) or on the iPad or kindle. There simply was zero connection between her son and my kids and I and when I began to bring up my observations and ask questions she would turn into mama bear as she called it. She would attack my audacity, the conflict would go unresolved and it would simply escalate as the elephant in the room. I then began to overhear comments from her friends and family about his irregular behavior as well so I felt my observations were validated. Unfortunately, this led to another breakup due to the stress that was caused when the six of us were together. Yet again, after a few days we reconciled and decided to move forward with less interaction and activities with our kids. When she and I alone were together, it was pure bliss. But, her parenting arrangement was one of full custody so 80% of the time I/we were with her kids. It was excruciating as I tried to connect with her son. I would try humor but he would stand there confused and stoned faced. I would try conversation topics and would get few word responses. I would ask him to go to the store with me or take him to school but he would sit in the back behind me and wouldn’t talk. The social disengagement and lack of effort on his part was nothing short of frustrating as I had never been faced with an inability to connect with anyone. He just wanted to be alone and his mom saw his behavior as perfectly normal and actually said that my kids were the ones with social issues and that I was the one with the problem. Through my own research, I felt like he was exhibiting signs of Asperger’s syndrome. We broke up again. Then, about a week later, she called asking me to meet for lunch. We discussed how great “we” were and she proposed “what do you think about a fwb relationship” ? Great. No kids, no more stress and mind blowing sex and fun. This relationship continued for another year but of course the blending of the kids eventually happened because we were together all the time and agreed to try again to make it work. Then, something happened and I can almost remember the day. Her attention to me began to change. She bought her own salon, joined a coed volleyball league, bought a camper on a lake, bought a beat up non working boat AND, bought a house 56 minutes from me. Outside of the business purchase, the other things were done without my knowledge. The volleyball league was full of divorced, cheating, unhappy, flirting people. I was so uncomfortable with the atmosphere because she was one of the biggest flirts and right in front of me. I am never one to get jealous and trust is huge with me but this was different. This took place on Sundays which was our only kid free day of the week and when I asked her not to play anymore due to my uncomfortable and the time it took a away from our Sunday she was quick to attack comparing me to her ex and letting me know that I was not going to control her and that she needed “me” time. When ball season came up again I told her to choose, call or me and she didn’t hesitate with ball. I told her I was done because it was clear that our time together was no longer important to her. We reconciled yet again because I thought that maybe I was being controlling and she did need this time so I came and watched her flirt. Now. Finally to the point of my post. Over the course of the last year I felt like we had finally figured things out. We had “family” conversations and vacations and started to establish traditions. I finally started to feel like there could be a future for us but I was unaware of the distance and uninterest that she was starting to show towards me. I started talking about marriage and our future but she was not interested in the conversation. She would tell me to “just enjoy the moment” like she did and that we could get married in 5 years when her youngest was out of the house. I didn’t understand this change in behavior in terms of lack of affection, lack of interest of doing things together or the burden it caused her to even call me during the day given all the stuff she had to do. I told her I felt like a puppy in the corner with no attention and felt like I was in relationship purgatory. I simply couldn’t talk about the future or the present because it would set her off. BUT. She still wanted the sex and when she had free time that’s all that was on her mind. I actually began to refuse because I felt this was all I was to her which of course led to more conflict, her telling me that things were my fault and that I just brought too much drama and neediness to her life. I thought like my head was spinning at times just trying to keep up with her thought processes that actually started to convince me that I was the cause of all the issues. She lived in pure filth and disorganization. Clothes, papers, junk, stuff everywhere. I was the OCD “everything has it’s place” person and she attacked my “always real estate ready to show” house and way of living as sick and to stressful. But through it all, this past march, I fell in love. I wanted to marry her. I thought that by doing so, I could take or rescue her from this world of disarray and bring her into a more stable world to not only fix her but also her son. When I told her about my feelings and my wanting to marry her she said “no. I don’t want the job. I don’t want to move here. I don’ t want to live with you and Indon’t want to help raise your kids when you travel because frankly they will drive me crazy. I want to live in my trashy town, in my trashy house and raise my own kids”. I was blindsided and felt my heart ooze through her fingertips as she squeezed all life out of it. I had no idea she felt like this nor had I ever heard her reference my kids that way. I was devastated. She told me she couldn’t give me what I needed and used the if you love something set it free line. I told her that I wasn’t the one looking to be set free and that I had to now tell someone that I was in love with good bye. We spoke on the phone that night, I told her I loved her and that she had been set free and I said good bye.
It is coming up on 3 months now and I am left in this lonely, heartbroken world trying to figure out what happened all the while knowing she is back at volleyball with no remorse and quickly moved on to someone else. Did I fail somewhere? Did I miss something? Is this a normal pattern? My therapist tells me to count my blessings and that I dodged a bullet and that I should run and never look back. I agree, but why am I such a mess over someone that I feel completely used me and “stole” all the gifts that I brought to the relationship. I feel used, taken advantage of betrayed and as my son says, “played like a violin”.
Sorry for the length but I am sure you can see the confusion within my head. Thanks in advance for any feedback/resources you can provide.
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