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Parents of ADHD Teens and Young Adults

Disrespect and talking back 15 yo


We adopted our son at 5 and I was sure we could handle ADHD. I have advocated heavily so my son can have an IEP and even have the chance to go to a provincial residential school. Maybe because I have done everything for him for so long as I don’t wish him to fail, he does very little for himself. I feel I go out of my way on a daily basis only to have him swear at me or belittle me for . I have made the rule that he needs to get up by himself and get ready in the morning. I get angry and frustrated when I have to wake him up, get him breakfast for a third morning in a row only to find out he hasn’t event set his alarm. I have let him stay after school twice this week for gamers club dungeons and dragons and I am frustrated when he can not even reciprocate with just getting up in the morning. What are your consequences for disrespect? What are your expectations of your teens? Do they do any chores? Do they have rewards? Are they able to complete a chore without little assistance. Don’t get me wrong. I know the symptoms of ADHD , but 10 years if psychiatrists, IEPs, titrating meds (we tried them all and can’t go any higher on the one he’s on) I am so frustrated and sad . I feel like a frailer. I hate that my younger child has to witness this frustration ! Help!

Replies

I am new to ADHD, but I am learning slowly that I cannot take how my stepson treats mean personally.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days that he is horrible to me and I need to walk away to cry.  It still hurts but I have to keep telling myself its the ADHD, it has nothing to do with if he loves me or not.  I felt like the biggest failure last week.  I talked about it and reached out in this group.  That helps alot.  My stepson does have chores, but I have to remind him constantly.  I now have a chore list up and we are going to see how that works.  We are trying to figure out a reward system.

Posted by Cberry99 on Oct 30, 2013 at 2:32pm

i also have a 15 yo son. my son has always been
difficult. the best things for them is a routine to follow.
my son is on the highest dose on his meds as well.
he is very good in school. at home he is made to do
chores but not complex ones like empty and fill
dishwasher. sometimes he can empty dishwasher. mostly he has to do the trash and recyclables. we have been struggling with computer times with him and not necessarily internet time. he has racing games on his computer and could stay on them all day. as far as morning goes. i wake my son sometimes twice. i do that because mornings are very rough for them. my son doesn’t take his meds till he is walking out the door for school. i make him a egg sandwich and prepare a snack. now you will say WHAT! for a 15 yr old. i do that to help him and i want him to eat before he takes meds. otherwise he can go all day without eating. my son acts at least 3 yrs younger so to me he is only 12. so that’s what i do…keep on keeping on. they need our help…good luck to you and your son!

Posted by lkozak7 on Oct 30, 2013 at 4:16pm

Thank you both for your reply. . Knowing I’m not alone is helpful. Unfortunately my husband works away during the week and I feel sometimes sorry for myself because I go to work and then home, only to police every situation. Especially between the 9 year old and the fifteen year old. Thanks for your support

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Oct 30, 2013 at 4:58pm

JulieBmotherof3, it does feel so good to know that you are not alone.  I have only been a member of this site for a week and already feel so much better about my situation.  I do the same as lkozak7 in the mornings.  I wake up my stepson at least 2 times, I make his breakfast and make sure he takes his meds every morning.  He is on the highest dose of vyvanse (sp?).  It is exhausting and sometimes I feel so alone.  His dad works nights and I pretty much am on my own with this.

Posted by Cberry99 on Oct 30, 2013 at 5:13pm

But how much is too much? Doing everything, plus the   Poor attitude is definitely wearing me down

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Oct 30, 2013 at 5:23pm

To be honest I don’t know how much is too much, I wonder the same thing all the time.  We are supposed to be raising these kids to be able to make it in the real world on their own.  I worry all the time that when my stepson gets on his own he will fail miserably.  The poor attitude is exhausting.  I read something on this site somewhere about a 123 method.  Not sure if that is what it is even called.  But it seemed to help those who tried it.  I’m lucky because anytime I get a poor attitude from my stepson his dad steps in and will not tolerate it.  At this point all of his luxeries have been taken away.  No computer, tv, video games.

Posted by Cberry99 on Oct 30, 2013 at 5:30pm

Thanks Cberry99, I will look into some other discipline methods and work on my patience. He has very little left to take away. Lost a phone for $120 in downloads. Lost computer time for misuse. Electronics are really thing that matters to him. Like you, I really worry about the future. Being so unsure of your parenting skills leaves room for a lot of doubt and guilt!

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Oct 31, 2013 at 2:48am

Feeling the consequences to their misbehavior is very important for any person, adult or child. However, that is only one side of the proverbial coin; building relationships is the other side. Go places and do things as a family and have your husband do things with just him and your son.  Finding a common interest is ideal, but even small things like changing the oil together or replacing the washer on a leaky sink help build relationships (and skills).  When our kids behave the most repugnant and when we want to push them away the most is when the need us to draw them to closest to us.

Create opportunities for success for your son.  Start small! A possible example: You are (rightly) frustrated with the disrespect. Instead of getting angry with him, come up with a system where, when you know he normally would have used disrespectful words and didn’t, he receives something like a check mark.  Once he receives three check marks he gets 1/2 hour of computer time. When he is disrespectful to you, don’t get angry, instead express genuine disappointment at not being able to give him a check.  (“Oh, rats!, I really wanted to give you a check just now.) You are now becoming his cheerleader and not the heavy ogre always telling him what to do. Important, don’t ever take a check mark away for disrespect.  Only give them when he is respectful and as soon as he has three, he gets his reward. (Note: this can be used for almost any bad behavior, the number of checks or what ever you decide to use as tally marks can be adjusted and so can the reward.)
You may want to look into CelebrateCalm.com with Kirk Martin.  The DVD’s are a little pricey, but if you sign up for the free news letter you will learn a lot and get more ideas.

Posted by Abner on Oct 31, 2013 at 11:41am

Medication is not the cure-all!  Once the medication runs out in the eveing, that is it!  It no longer works until you take the next dose and een then, depending on what your teenager is taking, it could take up to an hour for it to take full effect.  I know, for me, the methylphenidate ER 36 mg takes between 45 minutes to an hour for it to take full effect.  I also take vitamins as well, in the morning.  Taking the vitamins help, but it’s not enough until the medication kicks in completely.  Until then, I am a foggy mess in the morning.  Some days, depending upon when I go to bed at night, I can’t even see straight (lol).  I do make sure I get between 7-9 hours of sleep or I’m useless in the morning.  Is he getting enough sleep at night?  Maybe he needs to go to bed at a decent hour, like 10-10:30??  What’s the homework like for him??  Is it easy or does it take him a little longer to finish the work at night??

Posted by tinalunior83 on Nov 01, 2013 at 3:16am

Thanks Tina, he goes to bed at 9:30 and gets up at 7;00 not sure what time he actually gets to sleep, bu I do check for lighs out, sometimes he listens to music or an audiobook. He tops up with strattera when he gets home from school. He has very little homework because he has a resource period this semester and gets most of his work done with the help if an EA or resource teacher . He is allowed to bring his laptop home but has been caught many times using it for gaming instead of homework because he can not control his impulse to game or focus long enough on the boring homework.  He actually has an Englsh credit at risk because they get him to accomplish much in class or resource and he is failing to get things handed in on time.

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Nov 01, 2013 at 10:41am

I know how hard this can be.. My son is 16 and a junior.. our biggest problem is sleep and waking up. Just a few quick thoughts on your last post, 1. I would question the very little homework.. I am sure , one study/resorce period will not suffice the amount of homework a student has in a day..My son has one daily and on some days two ( due to lab work the other days) He still has some work to do.tests to study for. Yes it is a struggle.. I am blessed as this year he is seeing the positive effects ( honor roll) that doing and turning in reaps.. I hope he can maintain this as I will not be in College with him.. 2. What does he listen to music or audio book on? My son can be on the i pad all night.. is there a means for him to access FB or animated things on the device.. This is my main struggle.. technology.. hmmmmm… my sons alarms go off around 5 ( yes i said alarms..plural..) he does not get up until maybe 615-620.. bus is here at 630.. he does manage most days..so try and check what is actually being done.. So many of us are dealing with these issues.. it gets muddles with normal adolescent stuff.. Wish i had the answers, we have to try one thing, if it doesnt work, reevaluate and try something else..  I have found, cause and effect does not register well.. Good luck.. I am following your thread, hope to get new ideas for myself as well.. We can do this

Posted by sunnydays on Nov 01, 2013 at 5:33pm

He is listening to music or audiobooks on an iPod without Internet access. The PC is in my bedroom and it has parental controls.1 hour/day earned by chores. The wii remotes are hidden and we have no other gaming system. Not to sound flippant about education but he is passing and that is all that matters to me at this point. I worry more about the executive function defecits. Without learning time management, organization, cause and effect…planning ahead, he will not be able to function in adult life. I am afraid!

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Nov 02, 2013 at 6:28pm

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