Replies

That is typical ADD behavior and it was going to happen sooner or later. Just be grateful that you had the opportunity to experience this sooner rather than later when you might be married with a couple of kids and it would be much more difficult to extricate yourself from the situation.

Not that I am advocating that’s what you should do. But you need to know that this is reality with ADD. If you do a little research about the symptoms of ADD, not with the aim of fixing or helping him, but for yourself so that you can understand what is going on with him better then you will better know what to do.

This is not a character flaw, it is a biochemical condition. No begging and imploring on your part will make him behave differently. It may be poorly managed ADD, but you are getting a front row seat to exactly what life with someone with ADD is like. I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years, believe me this is typical. If THIS is breaking your heart then take your heart somewhere else because it will never ever again be permanently better. You may have some good days or months but it will always return to difficulty.

Best to you. I almost wish I had been in your shoes but I have two glorious children (one with ADD by the way as it is hereditary) so can’t regret that. But I would have liked to know what I was getting into.

Posted by YellaRyan on Nov 05, 2013 at 10:56pm

Yella is correct on this. I have had several relationships with ADD or ADHD men. (note: I am told it is less common in women.) I have experienced the “shutting me out” many times and it can be down right debilitating. If you don’t have a working knowledge of ADHD which to my understanding is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes racing thoughts and other behavioral issues, then you are going it alone and will have these sorts of feelings fairly often if not daily they will come and go and baffle you. If on the other hand you have a working knowledge of the issues at hand and treatments one can have some level of sanity in a relationship but its still going to be rocky, trust me.
I am currently engaged to a man that I have been dating for about 16 months with a 4 month break up because it came to that. while we were are apart I decided to research the issue because I was baffled and I also love him very much. We have a wonderful time together for long periods no fighting or anything just smooth as hot butter and then all the sudden he disappears. I have learned not to lean on him for attention I get my attention and keep myself busy else where and when he is comfortable he comes around. There is a component in my man that he believes people are mad at him. he is a perfectionist and when he can’t humanly do all the ” over committing” he lays out for himself he does not feel accomplished. I have had to learn ways to let him go if I want him in my life at all for the good times. I have to see when he is getting too tired and give him an out to go take a nap. I could go on an on but I hope the tools I have shared are helpful to you at least for now.

Posted by DJGrace on Nov 06, 2013 at 12:52am

I wish I could offer you solid advice to fix things - but as the two before me stated there is no said “fix” for it just understanding and deciding.  I’m not sure what has led y’all to being in different states but distance REALLY adds distance when it comes to someone who is ADD/ADHD from my experience. My fiancĂ© and I are in love and he can be so sad when he or I leave for a weekend trip but once we are apart he slowly forgets about me more and more.  And I don’t mean this in a mean way but with me not in front of him it’s hard to keep his attention compared to real action around him, so if he is watching tv in his hotel room he may forget to call me for the night. Putting this basic logic with your situation would explain why he slowly pulls away more and more - it sounds harsh to say you aren’t stimulating enough despite y’all’s love - but sitting and talking in the phone is not “exciting”... And at least in my experience my fiancĂ© would always say I should know he loved me without having to have all that attention because he is still around and it is just part of it… I really hope y’all can get together in person again and talk this out and maybe even get closer together geographically as I think that would really help, but know some of this inattention to you will always occur and you have to work thru it - not get upset.  Good luck!

Posted by FightForLove on Nov 06, 2013 at 3:35am

Hi, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through.  My husband is an undiagnosed ADDer, and things have been getting worse in the past few years.  When he feels really bad about himself, instead of looking toward me for support, or looking for any kind of help, he shuts down.  He won’t even speak.  We have gone days living like strangers in the same house.  I think he believes that I hate him, and the more he shuts down, the harder it is NOT to hate him… We can have many pretty good days, but if we get into any kind of issue relating to things that make him feel bad, he shuts down, mopes, won’t talk.  It hurts so much, like he just doesn’t care about me.  I was almost ready to call it quits - 2 1/2 more years til all kids are out of hs.  But then I decided to try to “love him through it”.  It’s been tough and involves swallowing pride, and I’m not sure where to draw the line when it comes to helping him out vs enabling…

But I think if I had it to do all over again, I would not have married him.  I bring my own issues to the table (depression, anxiety, perfectionism) so it’s really tough.  I don’t want to tell you to get out, but just to let you know, as others have, that it will be a long road and you CANNOT expect to change him.  He could improve his symptoms and have better coping skills, but in the end, the ADD is still there.  I think it takes a really strong, confident woman to stay happily married to an ADDer, and I am not all that strong.  And the question is, do you want to be?

Posted by my3gr8boyz on Nov 06, 2013 at 3:54am

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