Sorry to hear it. Is your daughter in any therapy?

It sounds like even a group might be helpful.

Please find a psychiatrist to check for depression as the may be a sign. For many, other mental problems are more important to deal with than ADD.

For your sake and of course the future of your daughter please take care of yourself. This can cause you to loose it from the stress and that won’t help anyone.

Many of us have been through this. I was like that when I was that age but undiagnosed. You don’t want to know what I did at that age. ( I wondered why my mother was on Valium) Between my father 3 kids lots of relatives all clearly looking back ADHD. She was a saint putting up with us.

With the proper outside help I’m sure things will work out for you and your daughter. There is not much chance she will listen to you. At this stage as I recall it was a game I played, how much I could get away with and could I get them to give up fighting. But at that age we are too smart for our own good.

Good Luck.

Augie
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Thanks for your response Augie. Yes, she (and we) are getting therapy, but you are correct in saying that it’s possible that she views all of this as a ‘game’ even if she doesn’t fully recognize it. The therapist has ruled out depression, bi-polar or anything else that may be contributing to her behavior. What I described is only a small portion of what is happening w/ our daughter—there have been a number of scary things she has dabbled in. I’m not sure where a parent goes to get the right help anymore. I get it that I’m ‘supposed’ to take time for myself, relax, etc but I don’t see where I can do that—its always a state of upheaval around here. And if I do take the time to get out and she does yet another stupid thing, I’m told I’m a bad parent for not keeping an eye on her. It’s a twisted culture we live in that often gives support to the problem child and the parents are left in the dust.

Thankfully you are both in counseling.  I think it is time for tough love.  I think you need to find her “currency” (things she likes to do, likes to have) and use it for consequences.  For example, does she have a cell phone, computer-those are priveleges.  If you have done that, then it comes down to basics-door on her bedroom, extras in the bathroom, her bed.  Then she needs to earn them back.  If that doesn’t/hasn’t work, there are schools you can send her away to-there is one called “turn around” (something like that) where the kids are responsible for school but taking care of things on the ranch as well-animals, chores etc.  You only have until she is 18 while you still have the control to try and change her behavior and feeling of entitlement.  You also need her to know that you are in control and mean what you say.  It is not easy.  We cannot keep an eye on them 24/7 but somehow she needs to learn respect and responsibility.  I am sorry you are going thru this.  She is in a way holding you hostage and you need to change that. Good Luck!

Thanks for your response PinkGirl. I appreciate your feedback. Yes, I DO feel like a hostage. We have indeed taken away privileges (not the bed or bedroom door thingy yet); in fact, there have been many times that she’s gone months without tv, cell, computer, music, etc and it has not made even a dent in her behavior. She just grins and bears it and then we start all over again. Our therapist told us that ‘taking away’ her privileges does not work with her, but unfortunately has not given us much advice otherwise. I wrote once before asking about others’ thoughts on interventional programs and was met with criticism. This has been the most horrible experience of my life and that says alot b/c I was raised in an abusive home (which most people would consider the worse thing for them). Our daughter is treated with love and support (and yes, boundaries and limits too, but she bucks them), something that alot of great kids never get in their lifetime. Our oldest daughter was what I would call a ‘normal’ kid so it is hard to understand how children with the same DNA can be so different.

I feel for you. I have a 14 year old boy with ADD and who is extremely defiant, argumentative, self-destructive, argues all day, does nothing to contribute to the househole. We had him evaluated and we asked them to check for ODD and the doctor said she didn’t see signs of this but he definitely has the inattentive type ADD; I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t have ODD.  But I must admit, he never does anything harmful physcally. I can’t even imagine what it must be like with a daughter at 15 in this society, even without ADD/ODD. When i was 15, I’m 42 now, I had severe anxiety, by that time I was already having sex, doing drugs, and was an alcoholic with blackouts, I would cut my face with a razor blade to get rid of the pain. My parents were never there because they ran a restaurant so weekends and nights they worked. i guess what i’m trying to say is that a 15 year old girl can be trouble for anyone, and if you’ve ever watched Judge Judy, she has a famous line, ” How do you know when a teenager is lying? When their mouths are open.” And she applies this to her own now fully grown children. I don’t think this should be condoned by any means but I think it’s not atypical and the ADD/ODD makes it ten times worse because teens already think their invincible and ADD teens don’t feel things deeply so they tend to do much more risky, adrenaline pumping activities just so they can be stimulated.

The only advice I have for you, is to make sure you have a therapist that either has ADD themselves, or is specifically an ADD specialist. I’ve said this many times on the forums, ADD is a brain disorder, not a psychiatric disorder although the two can go hand in hand, it’s very important to treat the ADD first and that in itself may treat other problems. ADD treatment is different than regular therapy because they teach the patients in what ways their brains do not make connections, i.e. lack of self control, mis-understanding social cues, lack of empathy and sympathy. They now have many techniques to help this either by neurofeedback (focusing games directed at the parts of the brain that don’t work to hopefully get the other parts of the brain to literally change, to takeover ther missing connections), they also use CBT which is a type of therapy where you analyze your “irrational” thoughts and change them into rational ones to make better choices. The latter takes a lot of work and consistency which doesn’t necessarily go along with the personality of an ADDer but if you get her an ADD coach, so that you remove yourself from the equation it can help; our kids usually won’t do anything we suggest. And another thing, is to keep her busy, which again is where a coach or therapist can come in and suggest activities, like my son takes taekwondo, and before we moved here both of my sons spent everyday after school and Saturdays at a horse stable up the road from us, where they joined other helpers (teens) take care of the horses, assist customers, and clean etc. and for that, they would get free riding lessons at the end of the day. I can’t tell you how therapeiutic horses are for children with ADD. They learn the only way to control this huge animal is through cooperation and communication; learning what the horse is communicating by way of body language. My son was there from the age of 5 until we left when he was 12. We used to call the stables the island of the misfits because generally most of the teens had some sort of problem or other, and they really bonded. This may be of no help to you if you don’t have a horse stable near you! But if you ask an ADD therapist or coach they may have other ideas
.
I end with a warning, they can easily get into trouble at home too. I went through my son’s chats (something I don’t feel great about but he makes terrible decisions so I feel it’s necessary) and I found out he was teaching this girl how to have phone sex.  Again, sex is a very stimulating thing and this can be a problem with ADDers young and old. I’ve often felt like I just need to send him away to some ADHD treatment center/school, as if I could afford it, but I’ve seen kids come out of places like that, and it doesn’t seem to help much. Keep this in mind, your daughter is not the daughter that you probably envisioned to be when she was a baby, so you have to come to accept who she is and parent the child she is, not the one you wished she was, because it just doesn’t work. Our other son doesn’t have ADD and he does his chores, (he likes it!), he does his HW without being told, he’s friendly and outgoing. Two different children. I used to try to make my ADDER do chores but every single time, everytime, was a fight, so I had to learn different more harsh tactics with him which is just the way it has to be. Usually, I threaten to throw his computer in the river or break his phone. It’s awful we have to go to that level but reasoning doesn’t work because remember they don’t have empathy, and when wer’re getting so angry we’re ready to explode they like the reaction they’re getting, they don’t feel the depth of our pain and anger, instead it’s just another stimulation for their brain. My husband has ADD as well, and that’s a whole other saga. I wish you good luck..

My 15 yo daughter just returned from 7 weeks at wilderness.  I think that was the best thing for her and our family.  Her ADHD was causing so many problems with relationships which in turn were causing her to feel alone and isolated.  I was one of the main targets for her anxiety and frustration.  I also had a lot of safety concerns that could not be addressed with her at home.  We’ve learned to communicate with one another and she’s learned to appreciate me. While its early days yet, I’ve not had this level of hope and peace in a long time.  While the choice was expensive, I think it will pay off in the long run.

I have no training and am relatively new to ADHD as our son was diagnosed last year.  I know how hard it is to be in your situation and feel trapped and isolated.  I also know how it feels to be a troubled teen, acting out for attention.

It seems to me that your daughter has you right where she wants you - dancing to her tune.  She knows that by doing “X” you will cancel your activities and stay home.  That’s quite a bit of power.

I also understand your fears about leaving the house.  If you are only canceling plans to ensure your daughter takes her lumps, then stop doing it.  You are punishing yourself and your husband.  Find a consequence you can supervise when you come home. 

If you aren’t getting the answers you need, then maybe explore another therapist or type of therapy.  Also, I believe their are support meetings as well as family meetings run by CHADD.  It sounds like you need a support base. 

Being the parent of a teen is hard enough but add in the ADD/ADHD plus ODD and it feels like you’ve woken up in the middle of a bad dream. 

You must be doing something right if all of her friends want to congregate at your house.