Couples With One ADHD Partner
Dreading "the talk" with him...first time ADD will be brought up
This is my first post. I joined this group in desperate search of anyone/anything that could encourage me to stay strong, hopeful and supportive of my husband & our marriage of 5.5 years.
This past week, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my husband has ADD. He has not yet been evaluated but I have read so many posts and articles from other non ADD partners that perfectly reflect my experience. I could have written so many of those stories myself. I know I have to make time to share this with him and I get sick just thinking about how that talk will go. Ugh…..
For those of you that have already talked to your partners, how did you initially share your concern/observations in such a way that didn’t trigger them to get defensive or angry and shut down? (I wonder if that is even possible….)
I know you can’t give me exact dialogue as every person & situation is different, but I guess I am looking for any ideas of how to have this very difficult conversation with my husband. I am already anticipating him denying the symptoms- he will probably feel shame or insulted that I would suggest such an idea, and probably even anger or betrayed. He usually reacts like that when I bring up other important matters like our finances, disciplining our children, domestic responsibilities, etc. Everything is usually a fight and very rarely gets resolved easily. He used to react very aggressively too, but we immediately sought counseling for that and so he has calmed down a lot since then. Of course, I still worry if the “Hulk” will return.
I really wanted to address this during a joint counseling session but our counselor (who we mainly see individually) suggested I try it alone first mainly because she doesn’t want him to feel “ganged up on” and unsafe about going back (he recently started opening up a little more to her). She really thinks she could be there to help us through it all once everything is out in the open.
Fyi, we have 3 small children (under 4) and are in major debt. I now see that my husband’s disorganization, financial irresponsibility, impulsiveness, many distractions, lack of follow through and apathy are most likely linked to ADD. I have not always seen it like this though which has made me come off to him as a “nagging, super hard to satisfy” wife. Just recently we started to see some growth in our marriage but our counselor tells me she credits my “acceptance” that I cannot change him, only myself. Still, I imagine he might think I have reverted to my old ways of suggesting that HE is the problem…..sigh.
I welcome any suggestions/personal stories. Thank you in advance…..
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