Honestly,  sounds like the school may not be a good school for her.  I honestly think you could make a case for her to go to a private school (at the districts expense).  Sounds like she isn’t making progress and the teachers aren’t able to control her.

I understand completely.  My son struggled and still struggles socially.  It is heartbreaking. 

The outbursts may be the adderall.  Have you ever tried anything else?  it very well be depression too.

I wish I had more advice…but I we are struggling too.  Just know that you aren’t alone….

I feel your pain and just know that your not alone. My 9 year old son has some of the same issues. I have to repeat myself all the time before he even realizes that I’m talking to him. I find that it is easier if I just stand in front of him and make him repeat what I said so I know that he heard me. I know that ADHD is a disorder but I have learned that being a little more strict and giving consiquences for bad behavior has helped a lot. I used to let my son get away with just about anything because I love him so much and just want him to be happy but it was doing more harm than good. Tough love is sometimes the way to go otherwise they start using their ADHD as an excuse for everything. My son is also emotional he cries very easy out of frustration. I have read that that is a symptom of ADHD not the medication   My son also has no close friends. Social situations are hard for him. He has trouble Starting a conversation. He is in play therapy for that and it really seems to help even though he doesn’t like going. He is also in a social group at school to help him to learn how to make friends and initiate conversations. Maybe something like that would help your daughter. Good luck and be strong!

Kaya,

I was going through what you are now.  My son is 8. My VERY first suggestion (& all doc’s told me to d this) find your daughter a counselor and let her work with them for apprx. 6 wks.  See if her having someone who is unconditional and thir friend that they can tell anything to, in confidence.. See how it goes. 

The ther thing was my son needed something to help balance his moods.  He is on Risperadone (which has the lowest ide effects of any drugs) to help her balance.  My son does have a depression disorder and between the Adderal and the risperadone he is the happiest I have ever seen him in his life! Thank God!

For YOU.. you are doing the best you can. Believe in yourself! YOU WILL find the right things for her! Just be patient, connect with people.. Hear them..le it roll around with you and you will find what is best for her!  You can and will do this!

HUGS and strength to you!!!

I have a 6 year old boy and when he was on Adderal he was got very aggressive and was like a ticking time bomb. Anything you said to him he flew off the handle. I would try a lower dose and see if that helps. If it doesn’t try a different one. He is currently on Concerta and it is much better for him. He has no trouble sleeping and eating (which were both a battle on Adderal) and it seems to work for his ADHD. That said when we gave him the higher dose of Concerta he turned into an emotional mess. Everything made him cry and he had terrible mood swings as well. When we dropped his dosage those things subsided.

I highly suggest getting your daughter into a behavioral therapist. It will help her learn how to recognize social cues and be a better friend. It will even help her learn to live with ADHD and control it. It is really helping my son. He also is in a group at school once a week to help him learn to socialize. Does the school have any of those programs.

I feel your pain. I wish you all the best. Hang in there mama. We all do what we can.

I can’t imagine facing this as a single parent. It is such a hard row to hoe! My son is also a middle schooler. We question ourselves about hormones vs. meds too. When we reached our breaking point, we went to the doctor, tried some adjustments to the meds and sure enough! That eased some of the tension and helped him attend and complete things better. We still see some of the hormonal emotional things but not near as bad as it was. I would consider talking to your doctor.

I also work in the schools with children with special needs, but find it very difficult to help my own son. Since your daughter has an IEP - I would ask that a speech-language therapist assess her pragmatic language skills and work on goals in that area if she shows a need. I would also check with your school to see if the counselor or social worker has a social skills group that she could be a part of. Often they meet in small groups to discuss proper ways to start conversations, what is “buggy” behavior, and sometimes they’ll practice over lunches with friends etc… See if you school has anything like that. Sounds like you are very busy with very little spare time, but if you can swing it, could you start with some play dates or dinner & a movie with one friend (maybe a friend of YOURS with a child your daughters age) who you would feel comfortable with explaining the situation and having them help you do a “trial run”.

Lastly, if the teachers are asking YOU for ideas, refer them to the teacher trainings on the CHADD web site. I’d LOVE for that door to open for me at my son’s school. We all (teachers and parents) could use so much more education on this topic).
Just some thoughts… Hope they are helpful. Wishing you all the best!

I so hope that you can find some boots on the ground support for you both. This arena is great but you both needs hugs for real.

What I can say is that ADD kids are not point and shoot children. I have a 9 year old son with a ‘regular’ brain, I say, “hang up your jacket” it gets done. I have a 7 year old daughter with ADD I could beat my head against the wall before it gets done. BUT if I replace “would you do” with “let’s do” and really do things alongside her they get done.

You need small increments of routine based on your lives. Maybe something as simple as always hang up coat, pet the cat, eat a snack no matter when you get home would help. Or some chore always comes before TV time, like ten minutes of room straightening ( with a timer! 10 is at the outer reaches of the limit) then one show, or whatever. You do need routines but fit them to you.

And finally I just want to see if you might consider something that may help that saved my sanity and saved my marriage. And that is to suspend your judgement… As completely as possible. What I mean is try to notice all those little thoughts that make you feel like a failure and make you worry about your daughter, those little things like “she should be able to keep track of her own homework at this age” “she should have more friends” “I should be juggling this better” and on and on. We all have them and they cause low level anxiety in most of us. The problem with ADD people and all these seemingly little and normal expectations is that they really ramp up anxiety. ADD folks are super sensitive. They hyper realize how they do not measure up everywhere. So all you can do as a mom is stop measuring and start noticing. When we are always making tiny judgments and expectations then what we have covered up is noticing who they really are, what gives them joy.

Your daughter and you are perfect just the way you are. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you guys. You are who you are and that is wonderful. Make room for acceptance and joy and let everyone else fret about the rest. Be easy with yourself.

HI Zakiya,

I have noticed that a lot of kids with ADHD seem to also lack some kind of social acumen- not totally picking up on social cues.  I see this with my son, but you know, I find that most of the time he’s doing better than I think he is.  We worry so much about our children, and as the writer above said: I am trying to channel my worry into acceptance and hope.  Hang in there.  I know how worrisome and exhausting this can be!  Be sure to do good things for yourself.  A candle light bath, some time with a friend… and if you have any friends with children, maybe you can get together.  I found with my son that just one friend can make all the difference.  If you live in Arizona, I would be happy to get together with you and my 11 year old daughter!  Be kind to yourself and your beautiful child.

Hello to you all!  Thanks for sharing your stories…My 11 yr. old son (5th grade) has ADHD, ASD although not severe but enough that he falls through the cracks, some learning disorders and developmental delays. Last year we tried a 504 Plan, which didn’t really help at all. This year he has an IEP which is better but still doesn’t help with all his problems. 
He also struggles in social situations.  He can’t seem to pick up the non-verbal cues either.  He’s been told that he’d “have more friends if he wasn’t so weird”. I’ve even tried to talk with one of my good friends, whose son used to be my son’s best friend.  I gave her print-outs explaining ADHD/Aspergers. She just kind of said OK, but nothing ever happened.  Thank goodness we have a great therapist and we’re working on cognitive behaviour therapy and for him to try and recognize social cues/facial expressions and to recognize when he’s getting stressed, etc.  It’s so sad to see him at recess trying to “fit in” with a group.  He’s good in sports, but even that’s not good enough for him to be accepted by his peers.  His emotional age hasn’t caught up with his intellectual/grade school age.  So I get that he’s more comfortable with adults (who are more accepting). 
We’ve tried many medications so far—both stimulant and non-stimulant, homeopathic and naturopathic.  But they all worsened his behavior and did absolutely nothing to improve his focus/attention.
It’s a daily struggle and my husband struggles more with it than I do.  We just love him and, so far, he’s still a fairly happy guy.  I just wish there was a “magic pill” that could help even out his life with little or no adverse side effects.
We use a lot of schedules, use a timer, rewards. 
Thanks again to you all out there for being so honest and brave in sharing your stories.  It helps to know that we’re not the only ones out here! I agee that we all need be kind to ourselves and cut ourselves some slack from time to time and “relax”!  Hang in there!
Mary

Kaya,

Want you to know you’re not alone.  I’m doing the single mom thing too.  Sole custody of two kids. 

My son, 8, has absence epilepsy and ADHD.  His older sister struggles at times to cope with his cognitive inflexibility, impulsivity and emotion regulation issues. 

Like you, I am scheduled from morning to night.  I felt completely overwhelmed (despair actually) a half hour ago, before I finally sat down after a 15 hour day.  And like you, I feel anguish for having to work so hard when my kids need me. 

Depression manifests differently in children than adults.  Kids often feel angry, irritable, edgy, moody, impatient, hopeless, sad.  I would try to dig deeper, to see if depression is an issue for your daughter. 

You can also try different meds.  Everyone reacts differently.  It takes time to find the right dose/combination.

Try to find a support group for parents of kids with social/emotional and behavioral challenges.  I benefitted so much from a local parent support group (sponsored by NAMI) that I started one at my kids’ school. 

Contact your county Department of Human Services for Wraparound services or other resources.  If they can’t help, they should be able to refer you to therapists that work on a sliding scale.

Hang in there.  Keep us posted.

Hi Kaya. 
I also have a daughter who is 11 with ADHD.  I cried when I read your post because the entire post could have been written by me.  The biggest difference is that I am not a single mom but my husband works many hours so I often feel like it is my total responsibility. 
I don’t have any words of advice as I am struggling too.  I do want you to know that you are not alone.  Many of us have the same struggles.  One thing I did want to mention is that my daughter has gotten into horseback riding.  She has a special connection to animals and especially horses.  Animals give an unconditional love.  Maybe some activities or volunteer work around animals would make her feel better about herself.  Maybe a local stable or barn would like some help caring for the animals or the local animal shelter.  I don’t know.
Just some thoughts.  Good luck.  Keep reading and being her biggest advocate.  Hang in there. 
Dianna

Diet, that is my suggestion.  We have changed our diet and it has made an amazing difference.

We have no regular sugar in our house.  We avoid gluten and dairy.  No soda, 100% fruit juice maybe 1x a month.  No soy (estrogenic factors)  Hormone free, anitbiotic and steroid free meat.  No caffeine.  Lots of fruit and veggies. 

This diet will help your daughter emotionally and physically feel better which in turn may raise her self-esteen and cut down on hormone unfluxes. 

Regular exercise for her is huge.  Also, look online for play groups or get togethers for kids like your daughter.  CHADD is a good resource and has meetings 1x a month. 

Good Luck

Does your daughter see a school counselor? It might be very helpful for her to be in a small group and she might end up with a friend from it.

Her medication may be wrong or she may be having “rebound” at the end of the day when it wears off. Dr.s can help prevent this by prescribing a small dose of medication after school so that it wears off more gradually. She may also need a different medication.

As a school social worker, I saw many kids with ADHD, the majority of them depressed also. However, after a few weeks of group, the depression lifted because they did succeed there and looked forward to the attention and acceptance they found there. This did not improve their ADHD, tho it often improved their attitude.

It’s VERY important that beside being sure her dose is adequate (it should be increased as she GROWS),
she may benefit from other modifications, like a “buddy” who makes sure she takes home her assignments and books, sitting close to the teacher,
having a “station” where she can organize her papers, turn in homework, pick up work sheets, etc.
A Meeting is needed. I know you work 3 jobs, but she needs more support in school than she is getting.Good luck with all this!
Patricia Aust: CT Task Force on ADHD/author of HYPER HARRY (for kids 8-12); available at Amazon.com.

Hello Zakiya,

Your story weaves the same thread through the lives of many who continue to cope with a child or family member with ADHD.  My daughter is 13, was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age, and has struggled with the many issues that you have shared with us.  In fact, the situations were so similar, that I had to re-read your story twice!! 

You are certainly not alone and must not despair.  I would like to share a few helpful hints that over time, has worked tremendously for me and most importantly for my daughter.  The most important one being self-acceptance and love.  Over the years, and having now dealt with the many trials of ADHD, I can honestly say that I have accepted and love that my daughter’s ADHD has made her unique, dynamic, and spirited.  Over time, I have come to accept this— and have made the required accommodations in my daily life that really help (be easy on yourself as a parent).

1.  A self-help parent / child group that not only provides a great social and information sharing forum for parents, many provide workshops for children to learn important social and behavioural skills.  Usually, city or government operated programs are available with subsidies for single parents.  This was an amazing venue for me to share my stories, and laugh and cry with other parents that were feeling the same way.  It is amazing how united we can feel when we are not alone.

2.  Self-acceptance, unconditional love, and humour.  I came to realize quickly, that my daughter’s ADHD would not go away, and that I better find self-acceptance and just love her the way that God made her.  As simple as this sounds, once I let go of any feelings of guilt or preconceived notions of how my daughter should behave, the faster I was able to move forward in a more positive way to help her.  Self-help parenting groups helped this, parenting techniques through many subsidized programs, and reading lots of books helped (one that I loved was ‘Kids Are Worth It’ by Barbara Coloroso).  Many of her books are incredibly positive and provide practical parenting tips.

3.  Routine and baby-steps.  Not all parents have the benefit of an early diagnosis as I did.  But, consistent morning, evening and school routines have really helped.  Many subsidized programs can help you to establish these techniques (such as a daily organizer or schedule for each day that your daughter can contribute to and post on the fridge).  The moment I made this a creative, family project, my daughter was sold and was immediately chiming in with her ideas.  To this day, her daily schedule is posted on her bedroom door as a helpful reminder of things to do around the house.  She has her moments and her forgetful days, but we roll with it, and always encourage and praise the positive. 

4.  A network of support and extra-curricular activities.  Surround yourself with a network of help if you can.  A family member, a best friend, or a trusted childcare provider who can step in and help with a cook a meal or to drive your daughter to an extra curricular activity.  Many sports or creative programs after-school can be obtained via subsidy.  Call your local city’s office.  The socialization that children obtain via any organized sport or creative program is invaluable.

5.  Diet.  I abide by a very strict diet of organic, hormone free meat, fruits, whole grains and vegetables.  Only 100% natural fruit juices (blueberry and pomegranate), plenty of water, and no colas, sodas, preservatives, aspertame or anything chemically driven.  I’ve also given my daughter a daily organic vitamin chewy since she was quite young.  And omega 3 & 6 oils.

I hope that these tips can be of help to you.  We evidently still have days that are stressful, forgetful and tearful.., but, my daughter and I are better able to manage her symptoms and her triggers to make life more liveable, breathable, and hopeful.

Good luck.

There have been some wonderful advice in response to your post.  I am in this for a little over a year with my granddaughter.  The responses to this posting have been so helpful.  YellaRyan, your response is such good advice to all of us.  Hang in there, it does indeed take time to turn a corner with this.  Then, low and behold there is another corner up ahead…  Good luck, I hope the replies will be helpful to you, they have been for me!

There has really been such great advice and positive thoughts for you that there’s not much more to say but…..just a couple things came into my head. The fact that she is growing so tall strikes me of puberty and girls really suffer with mood swings with puberty. I have a 14 year old son with ADD he sprouted about a year ago and even has a moustache! He has changed so much, he’s distant and won’t confide in me anymore. I think a good evaluation by a psychologist would help you determine whether it’s puberty, depression or both. Another thing I keep hearing is that just for the ADHD part, what kids and adults need is an ADD coach preferably who has ADD. ADHD, in itself, is not actually a psychological disorder but a physical disorder of synapses in the brain but with brain training,(someone mentioned CBT, which is excellent), they learn through changing their thoughts and playing games that are specifically for ADHD targeting the part of the brain that is deficient, and within a couple of months their brain can actually make up the deficits, like focus, and social cues. It’s like someone who loses a limb but they are eventually able to train their other parts to take over what’s missing. There’s an online website called Play Attention which has some good links and games.
My son, thankfully, seems to be totally oblivious to other’s judgements. And he’s never had a “close” friend, he stays home every weekend doing nothing, but he has ton’s of casual friends and a girlfriend LOL. In a way it’s good he’s oblivious, but he is also oblivious to my judgements, he is an extremely difficult person. I think he has ODD as well but it’s never been officially diagnosed. What ADDers need is extra stimulation and unfortunately for him, that comes in the form of constant arguing, never doing what he’s told, not doing chores, he has been a thorn in my side since he was around 2 and started withholding his poop just as a power play and he did this until he was around 9. No kidding. We had him on medication, gave him flax seeds, etc. It was horrible, he’s go like once a week and… well I won’t go on, but he did this out of stubborness and defiance. That’s just one example. He’s incredibly smart, but this year is getting d’s and f’s because he’s sick of doing “stupid” homework, but get’s A’s on all the tests. It’s a fight from morning till night. Yelling, shouting, arguing, He’s very unfeeling and removed. I know he does care somewhere in there but I don’t think he has the capability to feel much and this is where I tell myself this thing I heard one time, that when you have a baby you expect that he/she is going to be like every other kid. The kid who does what he’s asked most of the time, the kid who learns from mistakes and consequences, etc., but the fact is, that’s not what I got and I am trying to re-learn my parenting to parent him the way he is, not the way that he was “supposed” to be. We have another younger son, 9, who is the sweetest, loving, helpful, cute adorable child. In a way it helps to know that it’s not my fault that my older son is the way he is, because they are so opposite. But I am very careful not to make comparisons between them, they get along very well most of the time, and they love each other. The younger one has just accepted that Dylan is different and that sometimes he’s just thoughtless and it hurts but he can get away from him. I have a feeling when they are older that Dylan is really going to need Oliver for Oliver’s stableness, and rational way of thinking, and Oliver is going to need his big bro to help him get through hard emotional times by showing him that it doesn’t need to hurt.
Anyway, I think it might be a lot harder with a daughter with all the pressures on girls and women are under, all the media images etc. It’s got to be hard and on top of that, to feel so out of place because of her ADD. But I remember those years, I had a lot tears then as well. It’s a horrid time for kids, but they think we parents don’t get it and then they push us away.
You should definitely check out other meds, my son actually stopped growing for a year while taking ritalin, now he’s on focalin which is a derivative of ritalin but without the “bad side effects”. He is doing well enough on the focalin and grew 3 inches in one year. Medication is always a trial and error process, believe me, I have bipolar, depression, anxiety, and I’ve tried so many different meds. It’s not fun but it’s the way it is. I really feel awful that you’re on your own but on the other hand you could be like me, whose husband also has ADD and the same kind, oppositional. I read there is a 75% divorce rate when one spouse has ADD and I believe it. He’s cold and unfeeling, he emotionally defunct, nothing bothers him except me, whom he blames his lifes failures on. I’ve been with him for over 20 years and he used to be fun, wild and crazy, now he still likes the dangerous things, like rock climbing and he learned to pilot an airplane, skydiving anything to stimulate his his very unstimulated brain. Now, he’s just thoughtless and unkind to me, he’s always criticizing me, never notices anything good I do. I personally think that 20 years focusing on one woman is too much for an ADDer but I’ll be damned if he throws me to the side now. It’s a lot of work but I think I’ve finally convinced him to get an ADD coach. Even though he’s just like his son it’s not helpful at all, because he just says stupid things that make things worse like “I’ll come visit you when you’re in jail” etc. I guess there is a high population of male ADDers in jail, 40%, which makes sense if they don’t have a good family base, their impulsivity, lack of empathy.

I think you’re doing exactly the best you can, creating a safe haven for your daughter is the most important thing, have her meds checked out, get her evaluated for depression, from personal experience anti depressants are a lifesaver even though the thought of having to take yet another medication rots, when that cloud lifts it’s like you can see the future again. As far as not having friends, don’t make it a big deal, kids these days, especially girls, just influence each other in negative ways anyway. If you worry about it she probably knows but if you act like it’s not a big deal then she probably won’t worry either as much, and if you get her involved in other activities after school, school isn’t the only thing in her life. Sometimes, hanging around adults is better for some kids. But if you’re not home regularly, get her involved in some kind of group after school, like a reading group, or a sport where she can be individual like karate, or tennis, not where she has to be on a team. I wish you the best of luck and just hang in there for the ride, humor definitely helps.  ( -:

You’ll notice as you browse around this site, and others, that building friendships is discussed a lot. I believe, as an adult ADHD-er and the parent of two ADHD-ers (so far) that it’s the parents job to help them learn the true purpose of friendship. I tend to think ADHD individuals naturally spend too much time in their own head and need to be taught the basics of developing friendships. And by that I mean intimacy. A true deepening of relationships. This starts with friends, eventually turning into boyfriend girlfriend stuff, then at marriage. Take the lead: if you see him or her sitting off to themselves, be proactive and help integrate your child into friendship or that group that’s hanging out together.

Daryl Andrews
Adhdfordummies.wordpress.com

Thank you for all of the wonderful feed back and support. I am so grateful for all of the advice and tips and will definately be putting them into action.  Just reading the responses and finally feeling like I’m not alone is such a relief!!! gillbell thank you for sharing your experience with me. My daughter used to also hold her poo for a rediculous amount of time to the point where she would have to go to the doctor and get meds. I would sprinkle flax seed in her foods without her knowing it and have her drink a little prune juice each night. Just getting her to go to the bathroom was a fight. She seems to be out growing that finally (fingers crossed).  I will follow up with her school to see if they have any social groups that she might benefit from, and try the dietary changes.  I feel so much more encouraged and hopeful from reading your responses. I was feeling so lost!! Thank you guys, and I wish you all the best with your children and loved ones who are struggling as well. Take Care!

WOW! My son suffered socially at school. No one called him, he did not receive any social invitations (but listened to other kids talk about their birthday parties and sleepovers). The school was inept in supporting kids like my son. Other kids had suffered before and after him. According to the school psychologist, the school had a problem in this particular area that was not being addressed. In 3rd grade, his teacher targeted him as the kid to pick on. Not surprising, the kids followed her lead. By 5th grade, he had no friends. He clearly was the kid to avoid, ignore and pick on. His teachers that year were very sympathetic to his situation and acknowledged that what he was reporting to me was, in fact, his reality. But they felt helpless to change his situation. As his teacher reported to me, “he could be perfect, and these kids will continue to treat him this way”. My son wrote down his feelings, making a list that read, “I am sad, I am lonely, I am picked on, I am the only no-friend kid”. His teacher agreed and asked why I kept him there (I was hanging on for the Catholic education that I wanted so much for him!) When school called over the summer to ask if he was coming back in the fall (I had not been able to bring myself to register him yet), my son, at the tender age of 11, told me I would not have to call them back, because he wasn’t going back there. He made the decision that I was having so much trouble making! That fall, he started at a new school….......a fresh start with kids who didn’t know him! He has been a happy child ever since. He is now 13 and in 7th grade. Most of his meltdowns went away! In hindsight, I would have pulled him out of that school sooner, but I kept holding on, hoping things would improve. The problem is, once the kids land in a social hole, the other kids may never let them climb out, even if that child is perfect! I blame the school primarily….in particular, the 3rd grade teacher who treated my son so poorly, and who taught the other kids how to treat him poorly as well. My son cried the night before his fieldtrip, not wanting to go because he would have to sit by himself on the bus…..and that’s exactly what happened! While kids were piled 3 in a seat, he was alone…..and there were so many adults chaperoning that trip…..how could this be allowed? His new school has been very proactive and supportive (and is a far larger school) in ways that his smaller school wasn’t. Changing my son’s reality (a new school) was the best thing! His happiness was 1st and foremost, and it was very clear that we would not find it at his previous school! He has friends and is involved at school. He made student council, something he had tried many times at his old school, but no one would vote for him. Life isn’t perfect and he has his days, but overall, he is doing well! Good luck…......and be your child’s best advocate, because unfortunately, others will not!