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ADHD in Women

Frenemies


Hiya, lovely ladies. I’m hoping to solicit some advice from you all. I’ve read some threads where we have always felt different & have had some not so favorable experiences with women, female coworkers, superiors etc. I need some advice in dealing with my greatest frenemy of all. She also happens to work with me on a daily basis, she was briefly promoted to my supervisor for a length of time & unofficially demoted. Suffice to say her managerial duties got transferred elsewhere but she got to keep the salary & perks. Anyway, I’ve been here a few years and I had to kick, scream, cry, pray, and fight to work my way up to where I am today. I worked late constantly. I volunteered for lost causes. I took on extra duties. I worked with bitter, grumpy women who were mad at the world and themselves. I overcame myriad prejudices…You get the picture. She earned her top spot by flirting and getting in good with the then top dog at the company. Anyhow, I really NEED this job for many reasons that would take another page to detail so leaving is not an immediate option. Plus as hard as I’ve worked I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. Most days she makes resentful comments to and about family, friends, coworkers. She used to be the queen of backhanded compliments. She even acts lousy toward her boyfriend & kids on occasion but somehow I’m not 100% relieved its not just me. Once in a blue moon she does something genuinely nice. And sometimes she thanks or congratulates me but her voice is so thick with the jealousy and condescencion she’s trying to disguise (or not) that I’d almost prefer the silent treatment. Shes at her worst when I’m having a low/sad/insecure day then her voice is loud and mean. Other days when I’m feeling happy/confident or rebuke her comments in an assertive but firm manner she lightens up and is more friendly. Any advice/tips/tricks you can give me to make life more tolerable with her? Or certain ways I can tune her out or reply to her tacky comments? Thanks in advance smile

Replies

I’ve had similar situations like this before. I was determined to not let it bother me and rise above it. Getting another job was not an option so I decided to make it bareable for myself.
I always try to figure out why people do what they do. If it makes sense to me why they behave a certain way, then I’m able to tolerate their behavior and maybe feel empathy for them.
Maybe she is insecure herself so she feels she has to belittle herself by flirting and belittling others. It’s sad if you think about.
With this certain person I tried to find something in common. We both like cats for instance. We also watch the same television shows. We really don’t talk about much else but it makes for a neutral atmosphere.
Maybe start by giving her a genuine smile in the morning and work your way up to something more. Maybe ask for her advice on something work related like how to word an email or something.
If you both drink coffee ask if she’s tried a certain brand that you like.
She might think it’s weird at first but give it a while. You might be surprised on how something short and simple as a hello can make a difference. And smile too. It puts the “ball” in her court (sorry about the cliche.) it might be all you need.
I don’t like to give advice necessarily so just consider it a suggestion or example of what I’ve done.
I hope this helps smile

Posted by Tinybluemoon on Jan 22, 2014 at 12:35pm

I’m having the same issue with my boss and two coworkers! I’ve done the same things as you Karma! Thank you for posting and I hope more people will respond, because the advice are a great help!

Tinybkuemoon- I’m going to try your advice and thank you for sharing!

Posted by Jjingram on Jan 23, 2014 at 9:14am

Thank you both for sharing. What I love about this site is that I don’t feel so estranged & alone in things! Tinybluemoon you have great suggestions. I have noticed that when I make the first move, be it a smile or kind words then she eases up. Its really hard to be brave and do it because I walk in in the morning and she’s already grouchy, glaring at the computer and hurling insults around lol. Or sometimes she won’t say anything but I can feel waves of bitterness, anger or some emotion coming from her. I’ve learned its not always personal. I guess I just wish I could build up my immunity to her. On the up side I think I’m learning how better to approach her on things and if nothing else it dawned on me that her negative patterns of behavior are very predictable!

Posted by KarmaCutie on Jan 24, 2014 at 1:42am

You know, it is possible that she feels insecure.  I have had several work environments where I have been in your situation.  It is possible that with all the extra things that you do, she may resent how you have worked to enhance yourself and others.

I know that it is difficult to keep a positive attitude each day.  There are different books, websites, cards that I have that promote positive thinking.  YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.  YOU HAVE WORKED TO BECOME WHO YOU ARE.  You need to remind yourself of these things.

Allowing her to affect your mood and behavior is giving her your power.  Don’t give your power to other people.

Posted by cutemom on Jan 29, 2014 at 10:47pm

I have that issue… With ppl I went to high school with, whom I thought were friends. I should have smelled the manure when they didn’t want me around, and talked down to me. I only have to see them once a year… But I feel sorry for them, that they are not happy with themselves. I refuse to allow their condescension to bother me.some people are very unhappy in their lives and either are unaware that they can change for the better, or choose not to change for the better. Thse unhappy people tend to take it out on others by not acting very nice to others.

Posted by Lilapsophile on Jan 31, 2014 at 3:25pm

That’s what pisses me off about people who take their nasty attitude out on the ones who do their job and they are nice. It seems like the bitchy people who don’t do their jobs are liked, but the ones who are nice and also do their job they feel the need to be nasty and try to belittle them or mess up opportunities for them! I’m really trying to not to be negative but its really hard! What is easy, isn’t worth caring about, but what is hard is worth caring about!

Posted by Jjingram on Feb 04, 2014 at 9:53pm

I’ve always been the whipping-boy for female supervisors. I can manage somewhat with female co-workers by finding the common interests.  The supervisors?  I don’t know what their problem is.  I must be doing something because it has happened so many times.  I’m watching to see what kind of responses you’re getting so I can use them too!  Part of it may be that I work best with men and male supervisors because I relate to them much better than to women.

Good luck to you!  You are getting some great responses and I’m going to try some of the things I’m seeing in the replies.  I have a female boss again and I don’t want to blow it.  So far, so good.

Posted by Missed That on Feb 05, 2014 at 12:05am

As I’m reading the responses again, a thought came to mind. People that are crabby towards someone aren’t really “mad” at that person but they take it out on someone who they “can” take it out on. A lot of times I get scared to defend myself so I get “picked” on.
I wrote emails to those people saying, “I did not appreciate the fact that they said those words to me,” for example. They sometimes respected me after that. We have to teach people how to treat us but of course, for people like us, it’s easier said then done. I’ve learned a lot over the years on how to “defend” myself. It’s never comfortable or easy.

Posted by Tinybluemoon on Feb 05, 2014 at 1:24am

When I verbally go to a coworker and say I don’t appreciate what you did, they run to the supervisor who backs them and not me. I’m not sure what I do wrong at every job, but I’m always the whipping girl! I’m pretty up front with people and state if I don’t like something! Sure there are times I may keep how I feel

Posted by Jjingram on Feb 05, 2014 at 9:26am

It sounds like not a good supervisor. Unfortunately, many people get into supervisor positions that shouldn’t be. They take the easy way out, like defend the one that maybe comes to them first. Is there someone higher than your boss you can talk to, that is after you’ve talked to your boss. I say that because there are usually steps you have to go through, I don’t know about your work place. Just trying to think of other things to try. Sometimes it’s the work place that is dis functional and there is nothing you can so about it. I do feel your frustration.

Posted by Tinybluemoon on Feb 05, 2014 at 12:59pm

Everyone likes my supervisor and back her no matter what! I’ve seen my boss scream at callers on the phone and yet the director end others think its cute or you have the callers complain and the director and others don’t believe my boss would scream at callers! Sure callers can be rude but, screaming at them isn’t professional! My director goes with whatever she says and I’ve been trying to get another job, but nothing isn’t happening for me! I’m trying to keep my faith but it’s hard when I can’t trust my boss or coworkers! Thanks Tinybluemoon!

Posted by Jjingram on Feb 06, 2014 at 2:10am

Sounds like you are the only “sane” one there. Well I guess all you can do is keep on doing your best. I believe someday you will be rewarded. I do believe in karma. I also try to put positive energy into my life as a whole and it will help, maybe also help those around you. (At work?)
I had a co-worker where When I walked past her desk I could feel this gust of negative energy. I avoided walking past if I could because I didn’t like it. Things have changed now. I don’t feel that anymore. I figured she wasn’t happy in her life.
Good luck to you, it’s so hard to have to fight for everything.

Posted by Tinybluemoon on Feb 06, 2014 at 2:09pm

Thanks Tinybluemoon!

Posted by Jjingram on Feb 07, 2014 at 5:19am

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