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HELP PLEASE


I need help with my 9 year old daughter (fixing to be 10)
She will not listen when she is told to do something , she will argue back and come up with 100 reasons why she can’t do what she’s told??  It’s affecting her school attendance !!

Replies

What are her consequences for not doing what she is asked to do?

Posted by MarkOden on Dec 06, 2013 at 3:34pm

Is she medicated?

My daughter also 9 is much the same until here’s kick in. There is really no peaceful way to get anything done unless she’s on meds.

And that is the problem with ADHD. It is like a pothole in their brain. That cooperation part is just not there. They want to do what you ask but they can’t make themselves do it. It’s not a character or a rebellion issue or even misbehaving. It is like asking you to make your brown eyes ue right now! And then punishing you wjen you can’t.

So if she’s not medicated consider seeing a psychiatrist (not your family doctor please! They just don’t know enough about it and it is a very comicated condition). It may make your life and hers much better. Imagine if you were “in trouble” as much as she, not a very good life. And only on meds are any of the behavioral adjustments any good. The meds are like putting a plank over the pothole, you can drive over that part without so much hassle.

Posted by YellaRyan on Dec 06, 2013 at 4:25pm

Her consequences are no electronic devices ...

Posted by FreeHerSoul on Dec 06, 2013 at 4:51pm

My son is 12.  We have the same issue.  We too have found that Meds are needed to get anything done.  When he takes his Meds he listens and follows instructions much better.  Believe me,  this was determined after hoping he would mature or trying to give him med breaks on weekends.  Do talk to a pediatric psychiatrist.  We are also doing therapy for my son and family.  The family therapy is giving me a ave to talk out my stress and I am learning stratagies to handle these difficult situations. 

Keep reaching out to other ADHD parents-we all need the support and you will find many others have been where you are. I have gotten great ideas and information from other parents.

Posted by mom2barry on Dec 06, 2013 at 4:53pm

Yes she sees a psychiatrist and is now on adderall 20 mg and Zoloft 75mg

Posted by FreeHerSoul on Dec 06, 2013 at 4:54pm

The defiance is part of ADHD.y understanding, from many hours of reading and support are reward when she does anything that pleases you. A reward chart maybe for instant gratification and you will eventually have her listening and wanting to help most of the time. It takes time and patience and will be frustrating. Do not engage! Do not reward her negative behaviour by arguing or listening. I need you to…. And I expect it to be done by….set rules posted. If this does not happen this is the consequence. I keep trying. My son is 15.you have the support !

Posted by JulieBmotherof3 on Dec 06, 2013 at 6:14pm

May I suggest using positive rewards. I know that it’s hard when everything is going on but when you have a quiet moment sit down with her and write down the expectations so that she can clearly see them. Come up with a rewards program for her so that she has some motivation to do what you are asking. For instance, if she needs to get ready for school by 8:00 to catch the bus give her one star on a chart every day that she is on time. Make a rule that she has to get 4 out of 5 to use the phone for the weekend (or something else she wants to do). It also helps to have the expectations posted with consequences for not doing them. So if she isn’t ready for school by 8:00 one day perhaps she has be grounded after school. Involve her in the discussion so that she can see the importance of the situation and help with solutions.

As far as back talking. Try telling her once then disengaging. Just tell her, you know the expectation, you know the consequence. There is no need to discuss this and walk away.

Having a plan ahead of time really helps cut down on the back talk and the negotiating they try to do.

Posted by MaryAnn_29 on Dec 06, 2013 at 6:16pm

I have also found if I can keep my cool the situation does not deteriorate as fast. This can be very difficult at times.  I try not to get upset- if I can stay calm- he calms down faster and will listen faster and better.

Posted by mom2barry on Dec 06, 2013 at 6:52pm

Ty ALL so very much for the help !!! It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone in this fight !!

Posted by FreeHerSoul on Dec 06, 2013 at 7:19pm

We have similare issues.  We use positive and negative rewards.  We have recently agreed to a contract, which I have written and prominently placed on our refrigerator.  If I want my son to do something and he is being oppositional, I will count to three.  If it is not done by the time I get to three, he knows he will lose his computer.  It mostly works.  There are times when he just won’t listen.  I have found that when he is tired or hungry, it is far harder for him to comply.

It usually works, though, because he helped create the contract.

Posted by cmullen17 on Dec 06, 2013 at 7:28pm

Yes, our 13 son is the same as all above.  The doctor said their executive function is not developed so there is nothing you can do, they need the medicine.

I have found killing him with kindness helps though.  Mornings before the meds kick in can be tough if he is tired though also.

work with your pediatrician asap.  changed our life completely once we were convinced to just try the meds.  We had our son back.

Posted by dubajm on Dec 07, 2013 at 3:40am

I have a few suggestions as well.

1. Our therapist taught me to put a 5-second pause between each number when counting to 3 to warn my son to do something after being told once. This accommodates his slow processing speed (which is common in those with ADHD). Counting to 3 almost never worked before implementing her advice, but has worked almost every time since, for about 4 years now. Once you start counting, there’s no negotiating. You say, “I asked you to do _____, and you must do it before I get to 3, or else _______ .” Then you count but don’t engage in conversation. Just count with pauses.

2. You have to remain calm. If you get riled up it gives your child with ADHD stimulation that they need. It may not be positive stimulation, but it’s still stimulation. Take deep breaths, sing a silly song in your head, or walk away for a few moments if necessary. Getting angry never improves a situation like this.

3. If you haven’t, read Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child. My son is not explosive, but it made all the difference in the world for him and our family dynamic. Best book I’ve ever read on parenting my ADHD child and I’ve read a TON. His website is http://livesinthebalance.org. Here’s a podcast of a webinar he did with ADDitude Magazine on defiance as well: http://www.additudemag.com/RCLP/sub/10272.html.

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator & Mom to Tween Boy with ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Dec 09, 2013 at 2:06pm

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