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Help me find love in my ADHD boyfriend

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 12 months but it’s been such a struggle keeping up with him.At first I didn’t notice how much he struggled but now that’s all he seems to do.He doesn’t seem to be keeping his word on most things .It has become annoying having to remind him constantly to do things because he simply forgets.It is difficult to have a a conversation without him becoming distracted.
When I first met him he caught my attention and we began to date within months.I can no longer tell wether I love him because of all the arguments.
I have asked him to go look for a job and he still has not found one.If I don’t tell him to go eat won’t do so and that just really angers me.I suggested the idea of learning how to cook since he does not know but he got mad at me.He said he didn’t know how to cook so I replied back saying you can look up recipes online or even better buy a book.He became more angered when he did not get his way,that being that there were no other possibilities of learning.which has ultimately become his only response there is no way.
I don’t know how to love him any more because he doesn’t see how much I struggle already.he simply apologizes over and over again but doesn’t learn from his mistakes.Watching the people see him struggle and make fun of him saying he practically lives in a cave and doesn’t know a thing,I do not disagree because it seems true but it difficult hearing it over and over again.
What should I do?
He proposed last month

Replies

Further more,I have been pushing my life aside to help him with his.i no longer pay attention to me goals or the lessons because all I can think about is how he will mess up again and what I can do to fix it.He has simply shown me he is irresponsible and I am having doubts on our relationship because I can keep going on with “I’m sorry I won’t do it again but repeating it the next day”.I do not know how to be misled around him anymore because I cannot present complex information without losing him a quarter of the way.I have no patience anymore because I am stressed out trying to figure out ways to help him understand.Being an honor student I deal a load with complex words that I cannot use with him but instead use simple words.I want him to be successful in life but he is so dependent of others ....I just don’t know how to get him to do things on his own.He relies on me more than he should causing a distraction.I cannot ask him for help on anything I am learning because they are things he does not understand but he doesn’t see that.I hate not being able to go to him for help but he just doesn’t know how to help me.I just can’t rely on him to comply with given tasks.Im annoyed of his ADHD getting in the way,it is driving me insane.I am deeply sorry for those I insult but it’s just too much to take in.I feel like I am done when I am not done with him just his ADHD.It makes me feel stupid explaining a complex subject and confusing him.It makes me feel ashamed of being smart and he doesn’t see how much it hurts to see him constantly struggling.

Posted by Mitchy on Nov 24, 2013 at 12:42am

Two words:  Good bye…

You are not married and you have no kids.  Why is this even an issue? 

You do not mention if he is under care or on meds.  They can make a substantial difference but in no way represent a ‘cure’ for this thing. 

You have another thing to consider.  You marry this guy and there is a strong possibility your kids will have this abomination of a condition as well.  Just think of caring not only for your whacked husband, but kids bouncing off the walls as well. This is a chronic, life-long affliction.  I know, I have it.  I am probably a higher functioning victim of this thing.. an advanced degree, and a job - most of the time.  Divorced.  A lovely daughter who is neuro-typical (read: normal) and successful. 

Look, tough call.. You love him… I can sense that.  God bless you for trying…  but really…  again.. why would you want to do this to yourself?  Marrying into it without knowing is one thing.  Going into a marriage with a slow motion social and professional train-wreck is another.

Best to you.

Posted by LakeLife on Nov 24, 2013 at 4:55pm

I’m married to a man with ADD for 25 years. It has definitely been a roller coaster. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I tell myself this is who I fell in love with and I need to be true to my heart. my husband is a high functioning ADD person. Highly intelligent. Very sensitive. We never had children. It would have been too much to handle.

My suggestion is for you to read all you can on the subject and know what you are getting into before you make a decision. Make sure you are the organizer and the money manager in the relationship. One book that helped us is ADD and romance by Halverstadt. I insisted my husband read it as well and he did though it was tough for him to get through . Like looking in the mirror and not liking what you see.

Tough decision for you at the beginning of the relationship. I’m not sure what I would have done if I knew then what I know now. But it didn’t happen that way for us. I occasionally consider divorce but then we are both reminded of the good things in our marriage. After 25 years I still don’t have all the answers and still very much worry about the future. I’m coming to the realization that this is something we both must constantly work at. There is no single solution.

I wish you all the best.

Posted by Sweet potato pie on Nov 24, 2013 at 6:13pm

Lakelife is absolutely Correct.  The only way someone should stay in an adhd/add relationship is if they loved that person beyond control, they make you laugh, are there for you when your sad, loves you back uncontrollably (understand?)  If your with someone with adhd/add and you know it, and you don’t feel 100% with that person and you have no marriage or no children then why WHY would you stay with them!!! unless your adhd/add, or just crazy yourself.

I have to work on my issues everyday as soon as I wake up, whether I’m home alone or not.  It’s a full time job being this different and always trying to not hurt someones feelings who isn’t adhd, most of us add-ers are highly intelligent people but we have a hard time being verbal so what we say and mean are completely different.
  Kinda like when I post a message its in words everyone can understand and when a non adhd/add person posts a message it usually contains all kinds of useless long words that arnt necessary for us add-ers, we keep it simple we don’t need to impress anyone.

Just move on and find a nice normal person to have children with, someone who’ll be at the same job for forever, someone who will pick up your slack when your down, someone who will remember your birthday and the important things in life.

Good Luck and you know now what the right decision is, and remember you can’t fix anyone and it’s tempting to fix us add-ers adhd peeps.

Posted by BexIssues on Nov 24, 2013 at 7:52pm

Yeah, seriously, if you are asking the question at all then the answer is NO!

Walk away or you will ruin your life, or at the very least shorten it because of the stress you will have to endure, possibly daily.

Think about yourself and what kind of life you want to have and think if this is the best he can be (because it will get much, much worse if you have children - even if they do not themselves have ADD) and that is OK then fine, go ahead and marry him.  But chances of things getting any better than they are right now are very slim.

Posted by YellaRyan on Nov 25, 2013 at 10:20am

I agree with all. I have this curse. Had I know that, before I got married, well lets just say I love my wife and would never knowingly inflict that pain on anyone.
RG

Posted by slide show on Nov 25, 2013 at 7:24pm

My husband was diagnosed with adhd last year after being together for 10 and married for 5.  If I’d known he had adhd before we married, I am not sure I would’ve gotten married. It is not easy to become the breadwinner in the relationship and then when I come home, I have to take care of him. You will never have an equal partner in the relationship because you will always need to put him first over your own needs. Therapy can help but the roller coaster ride will always be there. Hope my experience help you make a conscious decision on saying yes or no to his proposal.

Posted by n4ally2 on Nov 28, 2013 at 2:10pm

its def a struggle! my son was just diagnosed and my live in bf is adhd. im at my breaking point at the moment

Posted by jenpen629 on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:13am

Im sorry. I wish i could do something about all this. I still love you. I hope we get better…...

-Your boyfriend

Posted by Mikey24 on Dec 06, 2013 at 9:59pm

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