Join ADHD Groups!

Click the arrows to expand each group category below

Parents of ADHD Children

ADD Adults

ADHD and Related Conditions

ADHD Professionals

ADHD Resources

Groups by Location

Parents of ADHD Children

Help with my kid feeling 'hated' by teachers/other parents

Thank you for reading, and also in advance for any advice you might give…

My 9y/o son was diagnosed with adhd this spring.  His main issue is his impulsiveness and his lack of respect for authority. My question right now, is we have had problems with other kids parents, teachers, and now his current daycare provider, telling other children not to “hang out” with my son because he is a “bad kid”. Of course, the way things happen and the way my son sees things, are always two different things.
Last school year, when he told me this teacher told his best friend not to be friends with him or go to his house, I confronted the principal and said teacher. I know kids view things differently than adults, so trying to explain what this teacher really meant, was challenging.  You know how it goes “choose your friends wisely. Hang out with kids who make good choices”.  This hurts me, because I don’t think my son makes bad choices, he is just impulsive and sometimes it can be a not so good thing. Does this mean he shouldn’t have friends?? No way!  Anyhow, this problem has arose again at his daycare/daycamp that he attends for the summer. The morning aid seems to always have had a problem with him, and has constant complaints for me in the mornings when I drop him off.  I explained to her about his adhd, and she said “I wish someone would have told me, I would have been more understanding”.  Yesterday my son came home upset, because ‘Ms. Rose’ apparently brought every child over individually and told them not to play with my son. I’m sure this is another instance where my son is perceiving it wrong, but how do I handle this? How do I deal with the daycare aid and do I even confront her? My son constantly feels everyone hates him, which only makes his respect for them worse. It makes me really sad that he feels this way and to be honest the first reaction I want to have is to defend my son and march straight to this person and tell her off….but I know that’s not how to handle it, and he is probably just taking things in wrong. I am just at a loss for words on this situation anymore, and I don’t know what to do about it. Help!

Replies

I’m also running out of ways to respond to teachers and daycare aids when they call me or corner me to tell me about my sons behavior. I mean, how many times can you say “I will talk to him about it, and we are working on it” and it still happens all the time! It’s like they come to me expecting an answr on a permanent fix…well I don’t have one! I don’t know what else to tell them! The teachers do ask me for ideas on how to change things, but I am all out of ideas, and I feel like a horrible parent teling them that…but I am dealing with the same issues that they are and I have yet to figure it out! (Ok sorry for the rant…)

Posted by JSpear on Jul 30, 2014 at 2:23pm

I don’t have much advice, but I have been there, and I still am.  The aftercare program at my son’s school (he’s 10) is the same way.  There are only a handful of people who can either understand and/or tolerate his behavior.  I find that he’s better with male counselors than female.  He has little or no respect for them bc they make him feel bad, incompetent, or like a failure.

I guess my only advice is to educate them.  I try to talk to them about my son as an individual.  he’s not like other ADHD kids or like other boys.  He is his own person - like everyone else (ha!).  He wants to be treated with respect. 

It’s so frustrating.  All the time.  I often feel like I’m at a loss.  And sometimes, I just let the chips fall where they may.  There is only so much I can do.  Just love him & accept him the way he is.

Posted by nashholiday on Jul 30, 2014 at 2:26pm

Hi JSpear!

I had to learn the hard way (marching into school and making serious accusations to teachers on my son’s word at face value) that what my son tells me about situations is how he FEELS about them, not necessarily the facts of the situation.

Kids with ADHD are often extra sensitive and have a hard time regulating their emotions (http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/51/slide-1.html).

My suggestion in this instance is to have a very calm conversation with the aide conveying how your son is FEELING. This will help her understand how he interprets their actions and should also signal her to help him more in situations where he is very reactionary.

Along the same lines, he probably has a short fuse too. There are many ways to work on this at home, and you could share some of the strategies with day camp too (http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/42/slide-1.html and http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/74/slide-1.html).

I hope that helps!

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mom to Tween Boy with ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Jul 30, 2014 at 2:46pm

Been there, done that and at some point, it does seem to get better.  Remind yourself that you can’t control other people’s reactions, but as parents of kiddos with ADD, we can educate them. Their response to our information is now up to them. I think I would tell the day care person that you do expect a better response from her as she is the adult in the situation. Then you can share with her info about how our kids perceive situations a little different than they really happen, but to them, it is real and it’s hurtful. I usually add something about how our kids develop unevenly and while they may be age appropriate in some areas, they can be several years behind in others. It’s also a good time to help your son see that while he perceived a situation one way, it is viewed differently by others.  It’s not good, not bad just a reality. I think it starts to develop some empathy in our kids and an awareness of others. In the meantime, buy the family sized tissue box as if it’s not one thing, it’s another.  Mine are now 16 and 20 and while the issues are certainly less severe, there are still tough times to be had. (but I wouldn’t change them for anything!)

Posted by Nemo on Jul 30, 2014 at 4:05pm

Sounds like you need a complete switch if gears. Here is what I know from my husband who has severe ADHD and can, obviously, articulate what it’s like. Negative thoughts are self stimulating because they cause a little adrenaline rush. You know there are lots if ADHD young adults jumping off mountains with parachutes and crazy stuff like that - adrenaline junkies. Well obsessing over negative thoughts is a small version of this.

My husband also says that the thoughts sort of have a mind of their own - the more you think about it the more you think about it and they can embellish themselves as they are rolled over and over in the mind. He also tells me that discussion about the situation that causes the thoughts perpetuates more thoughts.

So you can try to redirect. Get him off the subject altogether. You also have a learning opportunity here to focus him more on how he defines himself than how other people define him. Try to take the conversation totally away from what other people think. We adults communicate in much more complicated ways than kids and it can confuse them. So a statement even like “Well I don’t care what other people think, I like you” will allow them to hang on to the “what other people think” part.

My daughter has ADHD and had trouble making friends because of verbal impulse control. Once we started meds that helped but she still needed direction. Instead of focusing on how other people treated her, which other kids thought she hogged conversation, we focused on how she thought others would like to be treated. I let her decide what she thought best with guidance and encouraged her to try and asked about results. This was first grade so we started with just saying hello to the kids she liked best each morning. She was real excited to get a hello back. That seemed to get the ball rolling. I know kids can tend to do this but she jumped too quickly into familiar relationship with kids and it didn’t work for her because of her intense conversation style. So she had to adjust.

And you can try focusing him on the activities rather than the people. If he finds something that really sparks his interest then the people thing will be less intense and friends will evolve easier out of common interest.

I think we adults want to fix too much and end up making missteps like it sounds like the daycare worker did. And really we do best by them my simply aiming them in a direction and letting them run with it. Have to find the right direction though! 

Acknowledge his feelings then redirect. “I see how you would feel that. Hey you want to play catch outside?” Is better at this age than dwelling on the upsetting events. It gives that ADHD brain too much opportunity to obsess which it can be good at.

Best to you. You will figure it out.

Posted by YellaRyan on Jul 30, 2014 at 4:17pm

Thank you YellaRyan, that is good advice, and from a different perspective.

Posted by nashholiday on Jul 30, 2014 at 5:35pm

Thank you everyone!! All of your comments are very helpful!

Posted by JSpear on Jul 30, 2014 at 6:21pm

I’d echo what everyone else has said. I like the idea of going to speak with the daycare aid about how your son is feeling, in a very non-confrontational way. Then I’d work on coming up with ways to preempt any behaviour problems. What are some examples of issues they’re bringing up? Are you seeing any trends?

Posted by Rai0414 on Jul 31, 2014 at 4:01am

Reply to this thread

You must be logged in to reply. To log in, click here.
Not a member? Join ADDConnect today. It's free and easy!

Not a member yet? Join here »


Important! User-Generated Content

The opinions expressed on ADDConnect are solely those of the user, who may or may not have medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of ADDConnect or ADDitude magazine. For more information, see our terms and conditions.