JB:

You describe your mother as intelligent, motivated and self-aware.  Some of those positive qualities may come from ADD, as well as her short temper and abruptness in personal relationships.  You have not mentioned evidence of dementia or denial that might interfere with discussions. 

I suspect she becomes defensive when you try to discuss ADD because she fears acknowledging the condition may limit or stigmatize her.  Even though she’s retiring, she probably still feels capable, in control and energetic; and she wants to continue to feel that way.  ADDers can be very intelligent and insightful; but the strong emotions brought on by distractions, stress, frustrations, unfamiliar circumstances and “changing gears” can strongly interfere with reasonable thinking.  I doubt that she’s intentionally trying to be difficult to deal with:  she’s reacting to the way she feels.

I would suggest “backing into” the conversation from the viewpoint of facilitating an efficient and orderly transfer of the family business.  Encourage and solicit her involvement in the process, and use any obstacles to that objective you feel to be manifestations of her suspected ADD as talking points.  That will validate the need you feel to address her behavioral symptoms, and justify your discussion of them with her.  If she believes that medication, treatment, or just acknowledging that a change in her behaviour may ease the transfer process and enhance the business’ chance for success, it may motivate her to look at her situation in a more thoughtful, cooperative way.  She needs to understand the challenges that you and your siblings are facing with the business and your father’s health, and that her cooperation and open mind about her personal situation will provide you with welcome and needed help.

-Joe

Hi JBurns, I agree with the above opinion.  Maybe you can get some support from a therapist or ADD support group .  THe free support group I attend offers the topic of how to deal with significant others who have Add. 

Having an elderly mother probably (ADD) myself(Add) who will not move out of her home would have been impossible without support group and individual support for me.  I have learned to stand still and listen.  And not to overreact. Cognitive behavioral therapy.  I keep in touch with my parent and try to be supportive.  Just be there when she reaches out for help.  THis has worked out for me. Not easy though. Best wishes

When my 17 year old child was diagnosed with ADHD, the first book I bought was “Driven to Distraction.”  I opened to the middle and was astounded at what I found myself reading.  I flipped to another page, then another.  On every page I thought Oh my gosh, this is me!  I have to tell you that it was a relief to learn there was a reason that I was the way I was. 

Further reading showed me the tremendous gifts I have that are clearly ADHD traits: high intelligence, creativity, sense of humor, problem solving ability.  Perhaps focusing on the good things so your mother doesn’t get defensive will help. 

There are lists available online of famous people that had/have ADHD - inventors, musicians, artists, etc…truly brilliant awe-inspiring people.  It is said that most entrepreneurs have ADHD - who else would be crazy enough to take such a risk as to quit a well paying job to start a new business that might not work?  Perhaps printing out a list of those people.  (If your mother still has a sense of humor, you could insert her name among the famous people.)  Perhaps give her a book that focuses on the positive.

Perhaps a coach might help, if you could find a good one.  It would be someone independent without the personal attachment so your mother might be more open and less defensive.

One note:  As my own mother aged, it became clear she needed medication because she was so miserable to be around - displaying either volatility or martyrdom.  The doctor told her she was depressed which infuriated her, because she saw that as a sign of weakness.  But when I changed the word to anxiety, she wore that like a badge of honor!  I think it’s natural for people to become more anxious as they age.

Good luck!