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Couples With One ADHD Partner

He's blaming everything on my ADD!

Hi Friends,

I’ve been officially diagnosed for 2 years now, and although I hate the way Vyvanse dries out my mouth,  it does help my focus greatly.  Before and since my diagnosis, my husband blames everything on my ADD. Yes, I am messy, but so is he, and this is no news flash!  Today,  I asked him to defriend an ex girlfriend that I had asked him to defriend several years ago. She’s married with 2 kids like us, but she was still calling him up until our wedding,  and she only” likes” pictures on his Facebook page that I’m not in. He became very defensive when I asked him to defriend her, and started picking my clothes up off the floor and accusing me of being a hoarder,  and started yelling at me in front of our kids, so I just left.  We’ve been in counseling 5 years, but he usually uses the sessions to point out all of my shortcomings: sex, cleaning, gratitude expressions, and to list every wonderful thing he’s ever done. Plus, our next session is 2 weeks away!  Did I mention that I didn’t pick up the clothes because I’m busy working on resumes, cover letters, and a portfolio because I’m trying to find another job? Anyway,  I don’t want to raise my girls (16 and 9) in a broken home,  but also don’t want to portray our relationship as acceptable either. .. help!

Replies

Diverting the conversation away from the topic at hand (his continued lack of respect for your request that he de-friend the EX) and launching an offensive-defense by attacking you is NOT ok.  Doing that in front of your kids is even LESS ok.  You did the right thing IMO by standing your ground and simply NOT tolerating that kind of behavior, and then just removing yourself from the situation. 

Did you take the kids with you?  Are you still gone?  (I’m thinking the answer to both is NO, but not sure). 

Have you ever brought this up at your counseling sessions—the basic nutshell of what you wrote here—that you feel all he does in “couples therapy” is pick on your faults and distort his own virtues?  Has the counselor ever noted this fact?

Posted by BC on Jun 29, 2014 at 12:12pm

Thanks for the reply,  BC.  Yes, I did take the girls with me, but we returned several hours later. He is so charming in counseling that I sometimes believe he even has the counselor fooled. That won’t happen next time.  The counselor has also been focusing on my job search, but I’m going to try to focus on my husband’s behavior. Thanks again for the response.

RunRgirlKat

Posted by RunRgirlKat on Jun 29, 2014 at 4:02pm

It is very disrepectful to you that he will not unfriend her.  You definitely need to bring that up to the counselor. I guess trying to see the bright side a little bit is that he doesn’t seem to be trying to hide her from you.  Being the non-ADD spouse with an ADD husband I can say I probably blame a lot of things my husband does on his ADD. (Of course he grew up with his family blaming EVERYTHING he ever did on ADD) Only because I don’t know a lot about ADD I don’t know what actions he takes are because of his ADD and what actions are just him.  If your husband is the same way maybe he can try to learn more about ADD especially since you’ve only been diagnosed for 2 years I imagine that your both trying to understand more about ADD and what that means.  On the plus side you said your medication is helping you focus which is great.  My husband’s ADD is not being well managed right now with his Adderall and counselor meetings where it was well managed with the same meds and meetings before.  It can definitely be an uphill battle at times. We’ve been going to marriage counseling for 2 months. We had to write a list of things we each could work on so the other person would feel more appreciated and loved.  Maybe you and your husband can try something like that. Just a thought.

Posted by RoseRed287 on Jun 29, 2014 at 10:19pm

Went to counselling with my partner and originally I got feeling counseller felt I was the typical nagging wife as I pointed out all the flaws (O/H is ADD, I’m not). She said that I had a very low opinion of him which is not true but I do of his actions and I wanted to make clear to him and her why we were at breaking point. What helped us as gave counseller clearer idea of issues (and gives each individual room to hang themselves) is a one-to-one session with the counsellor which moved her to understand that we were both committed to relationship but had trust and supporting each other issues. Worth a try especially if you feel he’s controlling situation. My O/H can be very charming, agreeable but its all superficial -he’s aspergers so sometimes gives what he thinks is right answer not true issue.

But no, I don’t think his actions are good and glad you stood you ground. But unless you think he’s going to leave you for this other woman, is it really an issue? And if you are, then you’ve got bigger issues than her - she’s making her available but if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. And by making a fuss about it, you’re giving him control. I suspect if you’re not bothered by him talking to her, she’d lose her appeal very fast.

Posted by hilaauk on Jun 30, 2014 at 1:04am

Another thing that is NOT good for marriage counseling is having a counselor who is not 100% educated in adult ADHD.  If the counselor really does not FULLY understand it she will likely give advice that is totally counter-productive. (Happened with my husband’s individual counselor & only after about a year of me just about coming unglued with her constant horrible advice I had him point-blank ask her how confident she was about her understanding of ADHD—along with a list of things she’d told him to do that were totally anti-ADHD—her answer: that she should probably do more research because she knew very little.  Duh?!?)

If your marriage counselor is not well versed in adult ADHD there is a very good chance she could be bringing in plenty of societies pre-conceived judgments (and “finding fault” with the vast majority of that long list of flaws he presents to her…along with the high-gloss, air-brushed image he presents of himself).

Posted by BC on Jun 30, 2014 at 6:54am

That’s a great point. Sometimes I wonder why he can’t see through all the fabricated junk he rants about,  and maybe this would explain it.  Thank you, and best of luck!

Posted by RunRgirlKat on Jun 30, 2014 at 7:46am

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