Parents of ADHD Children
He's using his baby brother as "bait"
My 6 year old son, let’s call him T, has been struggling for many years with hyperactive/impulsive behavior that is utterly exhausting. He’s very intelligent, articulate and funny, but many times his negative behavior overshadows all of that…and has caused problems for him at school and social functions.
Anyway, his baby brother (let’s call him K), was born this past New Year’s Eve, one month ago. Ever since K came home from the hospital, T has been constantly (and I mean constantly) in his face. At least 15-20 times a day, no matter if K is awake or sleep, he goes up to him and gives him “nuzzles”, rubbing his nose against K’s. If K is crying, this makes him hysterical. If K is sleeping, this wakes him up.
Around the same time K came home, T’s behavior, which was already challenging before K came, has just become 10x worse. He is now more angry, defiant and inattentive then before. He does not listen to repeated requests to do things he knows he’s supposed to. He talks back, hits and kicks me and throws things. The morning and night time routines have been a nightmare, and since my husband works nights I’m the one who has to handle both routines…with the added the stress of a new baby.
One of my biggest concerns is that T has never really shown empathy towards other people. This was a huge problem at school, where he struggled to maintain boundaries with other children. I’ve never seen him initiate an apology, try to comfort a friend who was crying, or stop a behavior that is bothering someone else—-even if that person is crying hysterically and begging him to stop. His conversations are ALWAYS one-sided, if he’s not interrupting two people talking then he’s talking about something important to him but that the other person doesn’t care about.
One example: K was pretty fussy today, which resulted in me holding him nonstop from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. He finally settled down and fell asleep in his bouncy seat, and after 5 minutes T was in his face nuzzling him. I asked him to stop. SECONDS later he went over and did it again. I asked him to stop. SECONDS later he went over and did it again, and K woke up crying. When I scolded T and said that he woke his brother up he got angry and said, “NO I DIDN’T!!” I was like, are you kidding? Have you NO idea of cause and effect?
This is one example of a situation I encounter several times a day…and I really don’t know how to handle it. Any advice? I should mention that T takes 15 mg of Adderall XR, which was helping with some behaviors but we may need to look at something different.
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Replies
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The problem is in your text where you say, “REPEATEDLY asked him…” That’s your problem. You are the boss, but not acting like it.
If you don’t start to demand he listen the first time or get consequences (such as time out, earlier bedtime with 3 “strikes”, loss of favorite game (put in basket on top of fridge or out of his reach), etc.this will only get worse, and more dangerous for the baby.
Kids with ADHD can quickly develop Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This is even more difficult. You need to find a psychologist who understands ADHD and can help you with behavior management. This is needed immediately, new baby or not.
If you put stars on a chart when he does not wake up the baby or nuzzle him aggressively,(catch him doing the right thing and write in the star), he may enjoy some “only time” with you or Dad if he earns, say, 5 stars in a.m., and 5 in p.m. He is asking for attention, but all he’s getting is negative feedback.
He needs both positve feedback when he succeeds, and consequences when he fails. Keep the consequences immediate and consistent. I know this is hard, but you and husband and anyone else caring for your kids must make this drastic change. He really needs your help.
Patricia Aust CT Task Force on ADHD;author of HYPER HARRY (kids 8-12/available in paper at Amazon.com or kindle store.
Wow. . . This is completely our situation too! Although our baby just turned 10 months! And our son is still constantly in our younger sons space and everyone else’s space too! This is one area we have found to be very challenging, while I do agree with the comment above it is easier said then done when dealing with nighttime routines and two kiddos. . . At least that’s what I experience. Any tips out there on how to get a system. . . . A workable one with two kids in place ; ).. . Also, you probably already do this but I usually get a better response from my son when I get down at his level, make eye contact, tell him what he is not supposed to be doing, and have him repeat it back. . . Also easier said then done when he acts up while I am cooking dinner and feeding the baby ; ) Good luck! Hang in there!
Hi there. I think I have heard somewhere or read somewhere that children with ADHD have difficulty understanding cause and effect, and I witnessed this many times while my brother was growing up (He was diagnosed at 12), he once drove infront of a taxi on his bicycle because he didn’t understand that he could be run over, which did happen, but luckily no permanent or serious harm. Maybe consider changing his medication?
And what the other people said, also try and focus his attention at the moment he is bothering his baby brother and showing him “see, this is bothering your brother and not acceptible behaviour”.
I agree completely with the advice from patwriter above.
Also, if it’s any help, my son (now nearly 10 years old) was terrible with cause and effect. Now, while it’s not 100%, he’s significantly better. As he’s ‘matured’ (in quotes because what 10yo ADHD child is any where near mature!) he’s gotten better.
I will say that my son is very empathetic, and we even hear him telling other people who are having a hard time things he’s heard us and other therapists saying to him.
Repetition and consistancy are key. And, these are the hardest things - especially with a newborn at home!
Good luck!
My son has ADHD and an older sister, They are 15 months apart. When my son does these things to her as you have described your son doing to your newborn, I give my son lots of “little jobs to do” around the house. He is always eager to help me and it keeps him busy. It makes him feel important to help me like a big boy. It sounds like you need a lot of help. Is there anyone who can help you with baby so you can maybe give your son a bit more time? I’m sure this is very stressful for you. I feel that you may benifit from this website since you have a newborn and are probably at your wits end. http://www.postpartumdoulasoflasvegas.com Good luck to you and make sure you get some suport some how some way. Have a beautiful day! Angela
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