Hi there, I am suspecting my 3 year old daughter has ADHD as well, quite close to the reactions your 3 year old is showing. I also have a very hard time staying calm, and i only have one child. what seems to help with my daughter and keeping me calm, is to discipline her when needed and if she doesn’t react I act as though I am not noticing, and distract her attention by asking her questions she has to think about. Sometimes she stops doing what she was and forgets about it. I also take away a Favorited thing and while doing so tell her exactly why, while bending to her level and looking her straight in the eye. Hope this helps somewhat.

Consistency helps tremendously.  Set clear boundaries.  Also, when things get heated.. give yourself a time out.  I don’t do it often because I don’t want to lose the shock value but often I’ll tell my son, Mommy is getting very angry and I need to walk away and have a time out.  I’ll even sit on the time out step.  Usually that is enough to defuse the situation.

What is interesting is my son will give himself time outs at school when he needs them.  The teacher thinks it’s a riot.

You’re getting some great advice here!  I think that staying calm is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn as a parent.  More than anything, it takes practice and repetition—it’s definitely NOT easy for me, and I’m a pretty easy going person by nature.  Some days are still better than others!

With our ADHD kids, we really need to get analytical about what behavior we could inadvertently be reinforcing with our attention.  Remember:  our kids are seeking stimulation for that underactive part of their brains, and we often reinforce negative behaviors with our negative responses, without trying to do so.  our emotional responses are far stronger and more stimulating to them than our positive praise usually is!  I know it’s hard and counter-intuitive, but ignore what you can, and try to respond calmly to what you need to handle BEFORE either you or the kids get wound up.  An ounce of prevention, so to speak. It also helps to amp up the energy of your positive reinforcement—and this works much better when they’re younger because they get swept up in it rather easily.  I used to get over-dramatic and silly with my kids this way when they were younger (teenagers just look at you like you’ve lost your mind, but they’ll still get it!)  “Oh my goodness!  I can’t believe it. I’m so IMPRESSED!!  Look how nicely you kept your hands to yourself and you just let your sister walk by you!!  That deserves a big hug!”  If it seems fake, you can make it deliberately fake and silly like you’re a bad actress.  Sometimes, I’m chuckling to myself inside at the silly little thing I have to point out to find the positive to reinforce, but it’s important.

Redirecting is also HUGE—especially when they’re little.  Your example of the softer hitting is a great one of testing and looking for reaction.  Ignore and distract (which is often easier with our ADHD kids than others!) when you can.

I got a bit carried away, but I hope there’s something in there that’s helpful.

Speaking of distracting, I’d better get back to work! 

Lynne Edris, ACG
Life & ADD Coach
http://www.CoachingADDvantages.com

I too have three girls. Two older ones with ADD. it is NEVER quiet here. Unless the TV is on. They too get very creative with the “non"toys.  My daughter wasn’t offically diagnosed untill k but I know she had it long before that. I knew when she was an extremly squirmy baby and litttle kid. My husband had it. As for time outs just keep putting the child back. It may take forever but keep it up. Watch the supernanny. She has great tips for doing that. Your three yr old may not have ADD but may just exhibit behaviors leaned for m the others. My youngest is like that. I need ot tell her that certain things are not acceptable fro
m any one and just because her sister does it does not mean she can. Ifyou think aboutit they are around this type of behavior more so what do they learn? I like the idea of givig yourself a time out. i’ll have to try that one.

I agree with polifounder about the your younger child.  Don’t discount that she may just be copying her older sibling’s behavior.  I have this exact situation with my 2 boys.  We were starting to think the younger one was destined to go down the same path.  We got an ABA therapist (behavior specialist) for our older son and it helped a lot with both of them.  The younger one actually started responding to discipline (wouldn’t accept a time-out before either).  It took months and A LOT of screaming (from everyone) but things are a lot calmer now.

I would also ask if you were using any kind of medication?  A lot of times, you can’t correct behaviors because their brains can’t slow down enough to have control over their impulses.  If you get the hyperactivity under control with a stimulant, discipline may start to have an effect. 

But I think the biggest step would be to look into getting an ABA therapist.  They will come into your home (like Supernanny) to observe and teach you the techniques.

Good luck!

My 6 year old is not medicated yet. She is doing very well at school (Kindergarten) and while she does get wiggly and silly at school, she does not have tantrums. She saves those for home. We’ll see when she is required to sit behind a desk…her kindergarten is a very tolerant environment and kids are not required to sit to do their work—they may stand or kneel on their chairs. She NEVER sits.    We certainly are open to medicating her later. We did try a stimulant when she was four because she was out of control but since she is a “hyperfocus” type ADHD the stimulant made her worse and very crabby.

It is almost impossible to stay calm all the itme.  We are human—and so are they.  I think that you nedd to nip some of their behavior earlier before it escalates to the point that you have yell to be heard.  Easier said than done.  Also, I don’t see anything wrong with non-toy play.  Unless you have something that it irreplaceable or special.  I think we need to teach our kids to respect things, but I have also found, that my kids non-toy play brings out a lot of creativity.  Figure out what things they can play with and what is off limits.  Explain this when you are all calm.  Also, on this website and others I have read a lot about the weighted blankets.  They help kids calm down when they are over stimulated, stressed etc.  Looking back I can see that my 13 y/o ADHD kid did that to himself by piling on blankets or couch cushions or pillows.  Now he is asking for one since I have talked to him about it.  For her wiggly squirmy behavior at school there are also items kids can use to help them wiggle but focus at the same time, like a ball or textured item in their hand.  Again I have read about this on this website.  Most of all love them and be consistent-now that my “hard” kids are older, I finally see the “pay off”.  Stick with it.  Good Luck!

One thing that might help is to keep them busy with other activities. Jumping on the couch cushions is very stimulating, though the exercise is good. You might want to get them walking or running, as it’s been shown that kids who exercise before school are calmer and more attentive for a couple hours!
Good luck!
Patricia Aust: CT Task Force on ADHD; author of HYPER HARRY (kids 8-12/(available on Amazon.com (paperback) and at the Kindle Store/Amazon.com

Naughty corner done exactly the way Supernanny does it is the only discipline that has ever worked. She has a book that outlines it. I keep an eagle eye and if mine move their time starts all over. But boy if I miss a step it just adds to the chaos.

My 3 (almost 4 year old) will not stay in time out even if I am watching her. She has to be physically held there and she will scream and flail the entire time. Not every strategy works for every kid, I guess. Today I am ignoring her acting out and not giving her the attention she wants and obviously not giving her her way either. She had a long fit about having a cookie even though she refused to eat lunch. I didn’t yell, I just kept repeating myself and eventually she gave up…but it took over an hour.

My 3 (almost 4 year old) will not stay in time out even if I am watching her. She has to be physically held there and she will scream and flail the entire time. Not every strategy works for every kid, I guess. Today I am ignoring her acting out and not giving her the attention she wants and obviously not giving her her way either. She had a long fit about having a cookie even though she refused to eat lunch. I didn’t yell, I just kept repeating myself and eventually she gave up…but it took over an hour.

Staying calm is very tough for us too.  Our son, 6 yrs and ADHD, takes everything out of us.  His older sister was dressing herself with very little assistance long before she was 6.  It takes both of us to get him dressed for school.  Thanks goodness he wears a uniform to school otherwise we’d have 20 minute arguements as to why he cannot wear shorts when it’s snowing outside.  I won’t even get started on the dinner wars!
But try 123 Magic.  Our Behavior therapist recommended it to us and it works.  The key, as others have said, is consistency.
Best of luck!