Couples With One ADHD Partner
How do you make big decisions?
Short Version: How do you make big decisions with your spouse that stick?
My wife has been recently diagnosed with ADD (no H). Looking back, I think this explains a lot of her most frustrating behaviour. The diagnosis has been a huge boon.
One thing we’ve struggled with a lot in the past is making decisions. She waffles a lot over every choice, and in the event that she does take a decision, it’s often reversed within 48 hours (or much, much sooner).
This can be small things, like whether or not she likes a new pair of earrings. Or bigger things—deciding to take a driving vacation to meet relatives, and then waking up late at night to buy plane tickets. These are annoying, but not life altering. What I really have trouble with is when I need her input on very large decisions. Things like: should we buy this house; should I keep my job here, or quit and move to Australia.
Our most recent decision has been ongoing for just over two years (yes, two years) now and it’s driving me mental. We did take that job in Australia with the agreement that we stay for 12 months and move home. 12 months came, I was looking at flights and she told me she wanted to stay. OK - it’s pretty nice here. So at 18 months I asked again and she said it was definitely time to move. Lining up job opportunities takes a bit, so I started networking and after a couple months found a great new opportunity. I came home to tell my wife and she tells me that maybe she actually wants to stay. After all the work trying to get an offer, it was absolutely humiliating to have to retract my interest; but I did. Repeat this scenario 4 times - line up a job, rescind interest; line up a job, rescind interest, etc. The net result is a life of constant indecision. People at my office regularly ask me if I’m staying, going, changing roles, whatever and I never have an answer that I feel is safe to give. At some point - probably already - I’m going to find it very difficult to be taken seriously when I talk about relocation.
So flash forward a bit. She now tells me that with her new meds and treatment she is *sure* that she knows the right decision (two weeks ago, it was stay, I got an offer, and she switched to go). I can’t trust her at this point, but it’s a big enough that I very much need her to have input.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get your ADD partner to take a decision and stick with it? Or any other tips. This is an ongoing daily stress for the both of us that we’d really rather settle.
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