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Couples With One ADHD Partner

How to Deal with my wife can't figure out why I am That I am

I am 41 Male just found out That I have Adult AD/HD. I had all my life because when I was a Kid I had and they stop Treating me for AD/HD. So when they told me I had and it was probably had all my life. I felt OK and fine out all the mass i got in alone and in my marriage was Problem was tribute form AD/HD .
    Well that bring to my Topic. I allay put my foot in my mouth. Plus I very aloud when i get excited and anger. And she get piss at me all the time. Before I found out I had AD/HD I saw 3 therapist and a guy was treating me for bipolar, Depress,  And ancety. And nothing was working and I was going for 2 years. And my wife said it not working and why you have be like This and are talking and telling them everything about your life. I sad yes I was. She said why can’t you change and try do better. I said i am and she didn,t believe me . I almint I put here through hell. I ask over and over that we should do marriage consoling and she always she didn’t need the Help and I do. Well it part true but I think we both need to work on it.
  Here the latest issue that happen. I was to day when I got on my med for AD/HD and they out me on Adderall XR. Her mom was reading about it and she picking all the side affect and saying you better not beat me in joking when you on this and she keep doing it and I said can you please stop and take serious. She got Piss at me when I yell at her front of here parent.She said when you get please let do this alone with out her parents. She told this before too. She storm out the room and was piss off. I went some where and she text me stuff saying:
She said Well now after Discussing you not one person in this house talking to each other after you left.
I said Well sorry but you really hurt me with not taking this serious
She said I am I don,t want u slapping me ( she got form the side affect they talk about with Andderal) you cause allot of drama here you have no clue.
She said and if you talk or tell me front of my parent again you and me are going have big problem. meaning yelling
She said They know and here all the problem we have this is all a joke
She said Don,t you dare tell me I don’t take this serious I have bagged you 2 year to change
I said Well I will never hit you, What get me is I am trying very hard to get better But it seem like you don’t care. Only thing I am trying to say is this not a joke to me specially Trying Deal with AD/HD I want to try hard on this and to get better of this and get in to a safe place in my self. It seem you don’t want to learn about my issue and I trying and it will help if you stick with me. Yes I should done what i told you.
I really hurt me with you don’t want to deal with. I really love you and I really want to change my way, But I want u behind me every step i need to do. And I really want both of us learn how live with AD/HD together and to get to know each other better
I said I am really hurt
I said I can’t deal with this alone
She said Join the club have done 2 years of damage to me
I said I know and i am trying harder to make it better and right not sure how too
and on and on like this She also to me That i should be mad at here.I paid the bills. and keep you on track, having money coming in, and since i am working i have health insurance. She said I resurrect are marriage and leave my parents out of it
  She always tell me when we irue don’t do in front of my parents. I agree with that. But when she putting me down like front here parents I can’t let GO.
  So what you think I should about the issue wit not want deal why and how to deal with it. I know it hard for here too and I put here through Hell and Back.   
    But why she now I have and don’t want to help me through it ?
    Dose get better when I take Med?
    What do I need to get here to trust and believe me again?
    Or am I doing the right thing yet her know how I feel?
    I don’t know how mush more of the bullshit be for leave her.
Give me a good reason to not leave her,
Thank Jim


Dear Jim, Wow, so much of what you say, I really do understand! First off, know I will PRAY for YOU. I pray too that you have some Faith in God, as this can be of immense value to you! I am no expert on any of these subjects, professionally or personally, but in saying that have experiences with family, myself, along with research for family harmony, family improvements and self. I am married as well, and have 3 children, all of which have some issue labeled or not! I guess, don’t we all!

The part of your note that pains me the most, is when your spouse or anyone tells you or says you aren’t trying..Well that just KILLS ME!  Often, it may appear you are not trying, but YOU ARE!  The last thing you want to do is put your foot in your mouth!

Impulse control is a problem or symptom of ADHD. You don’t want to say something, and all of a sudden it just comes out!  Just like food poisioning, you throw up!  UGH!  Then, you WISH you could take back the poision!  But, too late, it already flew out of your mouth!

YES, Medication can help this issue and some of the others, but you still have adhd and will have some symptoms.  However, it is a very crucial piece of assistance, and to have someone support you is key.

perhaps she is just so worn down from dealing with all of it, and perhaps needs time to heal herself.

You know when you have to be strong for so long, then all of a sudden some of the pressure is taken off and well…then you become soft and lean - not sure if that makes sense, but perhaps she just needs time.

Maybe you can spend some time alone with her, and perhaps ahead of time prepare a few things you want to say.  WRITE them down, and STICK to the topics of most importance to you.

From what you shared, I would suggest/only a suggestion…as I really have no idea…

but start by telling her how much you love her and that what you say and do is sometimes not what you want .
that what you say that may have hurt her and or been so difficult for her in the past and in the future, well, you don’t want it this way and if there is anything you can do, obviously YOU would change it and make it better and you are trying and you want too…but, it will take BOTH of you to make it work.  every relationship takes TWO! You Love her, You Love her, You love her.  If you don’t, then that is different, but I think you do and think she probably does as well. 

Again, I don’t know, but feel this may be the case.

Keep me posted, and take your meds if your doctor is comfortable with them, and you are.

Also, do you have a good friend, a buddy and/or someone besides her or your doctor who you know can be honest with you?  Someone who lives nearby, and/or a good friend/coworker(be careful on that) or someone who can be honest with you and say, Jim this is good, or you seem better, more focused, or whatever.  An outside person from her or your doctor, a brother, sister, cousin, or good trusted friend to assist in giving you feedback on how you are behaving/talking/how alert you are, and/or whatever?

As far as her parents go, well, that totally is unfair, but first off, I would see if you can begin with your relationship and tell her that you love her.  Everyone wants love and respect.
You want love and respect, she wants love and respect.

Have Faith, pray about it.  Talk to someone/as stated above.  Find a faith filled person, a priest or someone who seems trustworthy.  You shouldn’t pay for this faith filled person, ...

Trust and believing in you again, will take time.  First establish a base.  Tell her you love her, and you are sorry for the pain now and any in future.

Adhd can be a curse, but it can also be a blessing.  People with adhd can be very creative, successful and so much more!  Many famous people in all realms of life, finance, literature, theater, art, and etc….however, adhd is and can be a curse…but you are not abusive. 

Please pray and give me an update.

Happy Thanksgiving, I look forward to hearing how you are doing!  Best of luck Jim!

Posted by Unconventional on Nov 26, 2013 at 7:50pm

Jim, also don’t blame her.  Blame never works in any relationship.  She is blaming you, and that is unfair and it does hurt and it is NOT totally fair to blame you! 

However, do unto others as you want done unto you and don’t blame her.

Say something like, I know you blame me, and I take responsibility for making you feel bad, or making you feel whatever it is she is feeling/or blaming you for.

Saying you understand, and not saying she is wrong, helps immensely. 

Saying those things doesn’t mean you are saying you were wrong, or you are all totally wrong, NOT at all.  It is saying that you undestand what she has already told you—- and that you understand it is hard for her.  It must be hard for her!  And of course it is hard for you too.

adhd is complicated and many people, including the one with adhd has a difficult time understanding it.  Speaking without thinking first, acting without thinking, and etc… Medication does assist with this…

Also, it is hard for YOU..(you have adhd, working on it, and so on…) PLUS YOU don’t want to hurt her, didn’t EVER want to hurt her, and never want to hurt her!!!....  That would be silly, you never want to hurt the one you love!  No way! 

You are sorry you hurt her, and you hope and pray she can understand and that you do love her and want her to see and understand that you too need understanding and acceptance as well.  You have both been hurt…

.  You can tell her that you hope she can accept that you ARE trying and WANT to TRY, and with HER help and the help of God and faith ...

Anyhow, just wanted to mention not to blame.

God Bless you!

Posted by Unconventional on Nov 26, 2013 at 8:01pm

ADHD is frustrating all around.

But you are going to have to give your wife a lot of latitude to deal with these new developments.  You have had a lifetime inside your own head, you know what it is like to have ADHD and not be able to control yourself completely.  Now, just take a pause, and think about what it is like inside her head - she is married to a man who SAYS he loves her, but does things that do not look a lot like love, she deals with it the best she can and maybe she gets promises that things will get better, and then they are not, now things will never get better?  because it is a physiological condition?  What does that feel like?

It is hard to understand really what it is like in her head, isn’t it?  Well, as a spouse of an ADHD partner we are always being bombarded by this thing called “you just don’t understand” and it is totally unfair.  Who is taking the time and effort to understand what WE go through?  Certainly not our spouses!  So everyone needs to take a step back and understand first and foremost - no one will EVER understand what it is like inside another person’s head.  No one will ever understand you in the way you think they should, and you will never understand them.  It is impossible.

So, given that it is impossible to understand, then you need to change tack.  You need instead to seek compassion.  Stop beating at this understanding thing.  She is not going to get it.  And guess what, it is never NOT going to be painful when your husband snaps at you.  It is just not.  Can you promise to never snap again, of course not.  Even with drugs you may not always have that self control.  That is reality.  Both you and her have to fully face reality.  Your brain does not function the way it should, it never will, you will always have impairments, but it is not the end of the world or have to be the end of the relationship.

And the way that it is not the end of the relationship is when you stop putting all your eggs in one basket.  Stop making rules and regulations for how your wife “should” behave and when she doesn’t threaten that’s it.  She is who she is.  She is under stress.  You are who you are.  You are under stress.  Stop pitting yourselves against each other as if someone is right and someone is wrong.  This is a relationship - the definition of which is all actions float or sink it no matter where they come from, who caused them, it just doesn’t matter.

BE in your relationship, stop hedging and get back in the game.  Be honest about your feelings without blame, be honest about what you are capable of without trying to induce false hope so she will be placated - that is called manipulation.  So take some deep breaths and be who you are, and let her be who she is too.

Posted by YellaRyan on Nov 27, 2013 at 2:36am

Unconventional, Thank you for preying form. that mean a lot to me and Thank you for repaying.
The part of your note that pains me the most, is when your spouse or anyone tells you or says you aren’t trying..Well that just KILLS ME!  Often, it may appear you are not trying, but YOU ARE!  The last thing you want to do is put your foot in your mouth! 
Yes I know it hear me too that she don’t want help me through this and then she say you are trying hard enough or tell try harder. I wish she could be in and she how my head work. I also under stand there point, because people don’t want to learn about AD/HD. They just want to tell us stuff that hurt us and no Idea why we are.Hopefully she will read the book about relationship and one have AD/HD and learn a little about it.
  Impulse control is a problem or symptom of ADHD. You don’t want to say something, and all of a sudden it just comes out!  Just like food poisioning, you throw up!  UGH!  Then, you WISH you could take back the poision!  But, too late, it already flew out of your mouth!
  Wow that so true at first I had no Idea why I was like that on I found out that I have AD/DH and that was Part of it.
  YES, Medication can help this issue and some of the others, but you still have adhd and will have some symptoms.  However, it is a very crucial piece of assistance, and to have someone support you is key.
  How true that is. But right now I have now one. I trying to get to my Therapist to let help to try help here understand. And also trying to she want to come with me to support group. I now it not my say she have to go, if don;t want

Posted by jamespfluger on Nov 27, 2013 at 8:58pm

YellaRyan. I agree with your post on relationship and marriages . But Really you think it going happen over night. Let me say I try this over and over and it didn’t work. I still going take me time to do this but I going try the Best I can
Thank you all for your input and i got a lot of stuff f out of this and going try all of your guys input and if fine some help me I going use. An a course I will keep posting. 

Posted by jamespfluger on Nov 27, 2013 at 9:41pm

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