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ADHD at School

How to address intolerance of other parents

There is a boy in my 4 year old’s class who has difficulty with impulsivity and tends to unintentionally hurt other children.  My son loves him because he is a sweet and funny little guy - and I encourage that friendship.  Other parents are not behaving in a sensitive and tolerant way, telling their children to stay away from this boy and asking the teacher to never sit their child next to this boy.  I’m infuriated by this and am hoping that someone can help me to find the right words to use with these parents to educate them and also to show them that they are hurting their children by teaching them intolerance.  Every time I formulate a sentence in my head, it is an angry one, and I’d rather speak in a non-threatening, but informative way, so that I am heard and hopefully listened to.  Any advice or resources???

Replies

Honestly if another child was hurting my child, in any way, I’d tell him to avoid the offending child as well. We all do what we need to in order to protect our kids. You can’t blame another parent for this. Besides this isn’t your fight, it’s the parents of the offending child responsibility.

Posted by adhdmom2000 on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:33pm

Hi

I truly admire you in encouraging the friendship bond between your son & his friend. I hear your inner self searching for a more nurturing way to approach your diemna. Can I refer you to read about the Nurtured Heat Approach.Eith you consult my website http://www.rhema-coaching.ca or the founder’s site.His name is Howard Glasser.I as a parent coach work with this philosopy since 5 years with parents and have powerful results. Keep nurturing your child in his inner greatness.He,s unique & different that’s all,Mark

Posted by rhema coaching on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:41pm

I think you are modeling kindness, which hopefully others will see. Perhaps you can enlist the teacher and do some community building with the kids so that they learn to.ask a child that is bothering them to stop, and also, find some strategies with this specific child to redirect his energy before he becomes isolated. If by “hurting” you mean the unintentional.stepping on feet, jostling and such that often results from a squirmer, the other kids can learn to be kind and to help remind X to settle and keep his hands to himself- and use moving away as a last resort when X is having a hard time.  You probably won’t change unkindness in the adults, but the classroom community can give them another example. If the “hurting” is more.serious, then the teacher and his parents need to work together on that.

Posted by LyndaK on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:48pm

My 5 year old daughter has ADHD and in preschool especially she had several impulsive acts where she lashed out at other kids.  She is such a loving girl most of the time so the parents didnt really keep their kids away from her.  I always made my child apologize to the child and the parent and we moved on. She has since started Kindergarten in another school and since her diagnosis and being put on medication, that seems to have subsided for the most part. sime parents dont understand that these young kids cant really help themselves without therapy and/or medications.  Hopefully those other children will be able to realize that their parents dont mean to teach them to be intolerant of others and will take it upon themselves to creat a bond bond with that child. All children are special in the eyes of God

Posted by MarleysMom on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:49pm

hi liz.Shaw, I can understand ur frustration.  What I’ve learned about children is that they don’t always listen to mom & dad tell them at school, especially at this age.  They are still learning to find themselves. They may be mean to the child, but I don’t feel they will stay away. I know when my daughter was being bullied at school, she still tried her best to be friends with the child that bullied her, even when I told her to stay away.  When told not to play with other children.  They will.  What children do at school, stays at school so to speak.  Have u ever read childrens books by Trudy Ludwig, she writes books about bullying and feelings?  If you can find some of her books and see about reading them in class to the other students, this can be helpful.  Sometimes it’s teaching and showing the children that makes them help change mom & dad.  I think it’s great that u want to help another out, hey I’d do the same.  I love that others are willing to help others.  U have to relax and take it easy and soon the feelings of what needs to be said will come.  But, I feel that offering to read books to the class is the best way to show the other parents.  good luck, Lee

Posted by happynewyorker on Dec 05, 2013 at 10:53pm

Thank you so much for all of your responses!  They are really helpful.  I am familiar with Trudy Ludwig’s books and I know that the teacher would be happy for me to come in and read to the class.

Posted by liz.shaw on Dec 05, 2013 at 11:13pm

For me the best approach is to casually bring up in conversation some of the following points:

1) Children who are misbehaving benefit from having other children around them who are modeling good behaviors and doing the right thing.
2) Everyone has something in life that they struggle with, we can either be a friend and help them through it or we can ignore them. Everyone needs friends.
3)This is a great opportunity for them to teach their child how to be assertive in a kind way. How to talk with them about what to do when someone is hurting you and how to nicely tell them to stop.

For instance,
Hi Susan how are you? Yes, I noticed that Henry seems to have a lot of trouble with the other kids too. He must have real challenges that make it hard for him. I can’t imagine what his parents must be going through trying to get him to behave when they can’t be with him at school. Has your daughter ever had trouble with him? Oh yes, my son has as well. I just told him that Henry doesn’t mean to be hurtful and that he has a harder time controlling his emotions and feelings. It’s best if you nicely tell him to stop pushing you and tell him that it’s better for friends to wait their turn. If that doesn’t work then go and tell the teacher. It’s important that we always do our best to show love to Henry because it’s not as easy for him to wait his turn, just like it isn’t easy for you to remember to not tattle on your sister.

Posted by MaryAnn_29 on Dec 06, 2013 at 4:02am

Thanks, MaryAnn!  I will definitely use that!

Posted by liz.shaw on Dec 06, 2013 at 8:41pm

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