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Couples With One ADHD Partner

How to cope as a non add partner when the relationship ends

I am looking for advice on coping mechanisms for getting through or more importantly past a relationship as the non add partner. I was in a relationship for three years with an urn diagnosed/untreated partner with add and I am struggling with this roller coaster of emotions of what just happened?.  As I have read through many of the posts, our relationship started off at 100 mph and it was amazing. I could tell and feel that I was her everything. I didn’t know what hyper focused dating was however until reading through these posts and now I am left in this dust of the relationship being over and she moving on with someone else almost overnight. The weird twist is that throughout the relationship I knew it was not going to last and we even went through a few break ups. It was the constant mess, disorganization, lack of emotion or attentiveness and difficulty with discussing/resolving conflicts towards the end that nearly drove me insane. I knew I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore because she refused therapy, getting diagnosed and always blamed our issues on me. Then, I received a text where she declared her love for me but decided to not continue the relationship and she was gone. It has been three months now and I am a mess of emotions, pain and suffering over someone that I didn’t want to be with but cannot get over. I am so distraught at how my mind and heart have gone down this unexplainable road of shock and darkness that I feel like I am now the one that needs to be medicated. What in the world has happened to me? What is this unknown entity that has taken control of my life and how do I just forget about her and just let go. I recently found out that within days of her text she had already lined up dates, out of town trips and is already involved in a serious relationship. I cannot even imagine dating at this point given the explosion that has taken place in my world but she is free and clear and obviously has no remorse. Was I subconsciously controlled by her? Emotionally manipulated? I am simply baffled and when people ask me what happened I legitimately cannot give them an answer. It’s like the last three years were drawn out on an etch e sketch and just as the futuristic picture of our lives was coming into view, she flipped it upside down and erased all the hard work and left. I have been through break ups before and a few were serious relationships and it was easy to step away, detach and move on. In summary, she wasn’t there for me emotionally. Our world revolved around her needs and activities, add symptoms and warning signs were screaming get out fast and communication was all but null. Can someone please shake me out of this zombie like state of mind and explain to me what is happening? I just want to break free of it all but I am haunted by her ghost that just won’t leave.


Sounds like you could be in denial of some sort.  I see conflicting statements in your message.  Maybe in a few days you might come back to it and reread it?

But what is certain about human nature is that it is harder to get over something we ourselves did than what someone else did.  It is that “why didn’t I see this coming” that haunts us most.  I can understand that certainly.  But as we can control no one else but our own selves, it is frustrating, heartbreaking and bothersome when other people hurt us but we obsess most about the beating up we are giving ourselves - even if it is unconscious.  Because deep down inside you are mostly heartbroken over how you took care of yourself, not how she took care of you.

You need some perspective shifting probably at this point.  If you can, go on vacation or do something out of the ordinary for you, something you would never do alone.  Even small shifts can lead to big changes.  What you need to change is your mind.  Your heart was genuinely hurt but by this time it would have begun the mending process if only your mind would have left it alone.  Sometimes ADD people can do things that seem to us so crazy and illogical that it is hard not to roll it over and over and over inside your head, trying to argue the case again to get a different outcome!  Your brain doesn’t know that she is long gone and it is time to stop but somehow you need to slow it down, quiet it, so that you can start to heal.

If you have any spiritual practice at all now is the time to lean on it, or maybe find a new one.  Exercise can help a lot too.  Anything to get you out of your head.

Good luck to you.

Posted by YellaRyan on Jul 03, 2014 at 2:05am


I am sorry that you are going through the emotional ups and downs of ending a relationship.  I am married to an ADD husband, and we have certainly had those moments as you posted.  We have learned after being separated and reconciled how to communicate and deal with each other differently. 

It is important for you to realize that the illogical and irrational actions/behaviors of your former partner are not explainable or your fault.  Her actions are based on her capabilities and survival defenses.  It is also important for you to realize the life you had lived and no longer do.  The agony, the stress, the doubts, questions, blame, hurt are all now behind you.  Focus on yourself, your health and well-being.  Live each day with goals and find yourself again! 

Remember life is meant to be lived with passion and happiness.  I agree with YellaRyan, in that, your mindset needs to change and have a different picture.  Three years was an investment; now it is time to invest in yourself and heal.  Your former partner still has control over your life.  Take back your strength, mind, and heart.

Posted by PA on Jul 03, 2014 at 3:00pm

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