Welcome! I am very new to this site and to the world of ADHD. You will probably get some great suggestions from the wiser members. In the meantime I want to let you know you’re not alone.

The main thing that could be helpful at this point in time is for YOU to get support. If there is any way you can join a group, get some time to yourself, even see a therapist (everyone suggests therapists who are experts in ADHD) - that would be a good start. It’s like the oxygen mask on the plane.

Our son is 8 and diagnosed with ADHD. He is the light of my life - how horrifying to find myself yelling at him! I finally asked my doctor for anti-anxiety medication to help me keep calmer, which was a big help. Then we found out his dad has ADHD too! It took several years of struggle at school and finally the wheels are starting to turn more smoothly. Our son has a wonderful teacher this year and the administration has made great strides in their special education program. I have regrets about not pushing for evaluations sooner, so am hoping for you that you can get support sooner than we did.

Everyone says that “structure” is what ADHD children need. I think that might look different in every household. It would be so great if you could get access to a therapist/psychologist/ADHD coach for tangible suggestions. There are a few on this site, some of whom may consult over the phone.

All the best to you!

I won’t pretend to have any magical answers, but I can definitely relate with you.  I am a special ed teacher who took quite a while recognizing the symptoms in my own child.  But we did get her diagnosed at age 4- she is 7 now.  There are still good days and bad days, but the bad ones seem less severe, and the good days seem more frequent.  As far as advice, I would say don’t be afraid to try medication.  It can be scary, but the right one will give MUCH relief to your son, daughter and you.  Then you can start focusing on a family plan that teaches your child to manage behavior on his own.  Finding the right plan may be trial and error (much like the meds, sad to say), but a good doctor/psychologist may be able help.  There are also tons of self-help behavior management books for ADD…too many to name.  But just take one step at a time - you already have in seeking a diagnosis.  You’re a good loving mother who hasn’t given up.  Things WILL get better. 

I strongly recommend you check out the calm parenting people at celebratecalm.com - I listen to their cd’s while driving errands and it really helps me to catch my own reaction before it gets out of hand.  And they’re big proponents of having your own self in order, too (spend time on yourself, get the help you need, etc.).

Other than that, I reiterate what others have said - routine, structure - and add to that a healthy diet with plenty of protein, and daily exercise.  Help your child find other ways to stimulate their brains besides getting into battles with you or siblings.  We’ve gone as far as to get our son (10 yrs. old) a set of drums and drum lessons - it’s great stimulation if you can handle the noise and have a place for the set.

We have also found that medication helps, but we try to keep the dose as small as possible - enough to help and yet minimize side effects.

Best of luck!

Raising a child with ADHD is not easy. I’ve been there. You’re very low bucket, meaning you give out more than you get back and it’s wearing you down. You need supportive counseling with someone who understands ADHD AND can help you develop behavior programs at home. Staying calm will help. Try to walk away. Support is everything. Join a local CHADD group or talk to your school social worker or psychologist. Good luck!
Patricia Aust: CT Task Force on ADHD; author of HYPER HARRY for kids 8-12 (available on Amazon.com as paperbk and Amazon Kindle Store

Hang in there!  I know it’s hard now, but I promise it can get better.

Raising a child with ADHD can be incredibly challenging, and very, very exhausting.  it’s crucial that you take care of yourself, make time for yourself, and find support.  If there is a local support group, join it!  If you can’t find one, start one. CHADD can help you.  It’s amazing what being around others who understand you can do for your peace of mind.

Also, it’s important to understand that kids with ADHD require a very different set of parenting skills than other kids do.  Traditional parenting techniques are often not only ineffective, but can be counter-productive.  If you can find a trained ADD Coach that works with parents, that can help tremendously (http://www.adhdcoaches.org).  Most of us work over the phone, so they don’t need to be local.  CHADD also offers a terrific class for parents that is taught both in-person and online by trained volunteers called Parent 2 Parent Family Training on ADHD.  It’s a terrific resource.

No matter what, try to stay positive!  Positive praise, positive reinforcement, positive positive!  I know it’s hard, but it’s really improtant.

As the previous post says, it’s also extremely important to remain neutral and unemotional (CALM!) when disciplining your ADHD child. Emotional and negative reactions feed their need for stimulation and often reinforce the very behavior we’re trying to change!  It takes a lot of practice and perseverence, but will change your home life dramatically.

It’s also the hardest thing you may need to learn, but it’s a skill that can be learned, and should be continually sharpened.

Best of luck!

Lynne Edris, ACG
Life & ADD Coach
http://www.CoachingADDvantages.com

Hi and welcome.  I know that feeling - like a black hole in your soul every night when you lay your head on your pillow.  I’ve been in your shoes for several years now.  My 9-year old son was diagnosed when he was 7.  He also has ODD, so he’s very defiant and argumentative. 

What I am doing now to manage his behavior is capitalizing on his ability to hyperfocus!  He loves Xbox and would play it 24/7 if I let him.  So here’s how I’m using the Xbox to my advantage: 

1.  I have a checklist (taped to the kitchen wall) of things that he has to do before being rewarded with Xbox time.  The morning checklist is: eat, take your vitamins/pills, shower, brush your teeth, get dressed…then he can have 10-20 minutes of xbox time before school.  The afternoon checklist varies depending on what homework and sports he has that day, but as long as he’s good and compliant he gets Xbox time after all of it.  If he’s being defiant, we take away his Xbox privilege. 
2.  He has absolutely no interest in doing well in school so, if he brings home a good grade from school during the week, he gets rewarded with having his best friend over for a sleepover on Friday night, and of course they play Xbox.  This worked so well last semester, he got 3 A’s on his report card…and he never got an A on his report card before!!!

That’s all I have found so far that works.  I know that yelling, timeouts, and taking things away did NOT work for us…that only lead to more arguing, yelling and bad behavior!

Also, my son is on a time-released form of Methylphenidate during the day, and takes Melatonin at night to help him fall asleep.  Sleep…ha ha!  That’s a whole other issue we haven’t figured out yet.  He refuses to sleep alone in his own bed, but we’re working on that, too. 

Good luck!

I too go through the same issues and bad feelings that you described with my son who is almost 11.  His behavioral therapist suggested I get the book “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child” and all I had time to do today was watch the 10 minute video that came with the book.  Can I just tell you, I began doing what he suggests in the video from the time my kids got home from school until bedtime and it worked!  They did everything I asked them to do the first time, with no yelling!  I certainly hope this keeps up because I’m not sure how much longer I can take the attitude from them!  Best of luck!

I could have typed the last 2 sentences of your paragraph myself.  I sometimes make myself cry just thinking about the damage I may be doing to both my sons (1 ADHD/1 not) with all the yelling that goes on in our house.  Does he understand that I really don’t hate him, even though I feel that way sometimes out of frustration.

I tried the Celebrate Calm stuff and it’s a lot of talking about how these kids think and how their brains work, but it doesn’t really give you a set of, “when they do this, you say this..” kind of stuff - that’s what I need.

We had the most success with an ABA therapist. They will come into your home and observe and teach - kind of like Supernanny!

Is he medicated?  I know a lot of people are against medication, but we tried all the alternatives (supplements, restrictive diet, behavior modification, etc.) before we started medication.  Nothing else worked and the combination of medication and behavior therapy has proven the most successfull.  He’s not perfect all the time, but we have good days 95% of the time now.  Only slight meltdowns every few weeks compared to the 4-5 hour long ones every night we used to have.

Good luck!

My son had a teacher who absolutely targeted him with yelling etc., The unfortunate domino effect happened, and the kids picked up on her treatment of him and his fate was sealed. Two years later my son was still suffering social rejection at the hands of these kids. He started referring to himself as “depressed”, and I took him to be evaluated. A new school and new friends later, my son is happy. His almost daily meltdowns went away among other things. My point is, you are at risk for the same “domino effect”, and one thing piles on top of the next etc., Yelling is like pouring gas on a fire and only serves to make things worse. The problem is, it is how we react as parents, so adopting strategies other than yelling would be helpful to the entire family! (ADHD kids can make a perfectly sane family seem disfunctional!). I have my son on ADHD medication, which I did not want to do. But as my pediatrician put it, “if he needed insulin, you would give it to him”. I had to “die to myself” and put him on meds, which help him get through school.  I also have him on a multi-vitamin (with iron) and fish oil! Please consider putting your son in karate! It is a highly recommended activity for ADHD kids! If our kids looked like they had a disability, they would generate greater understanding. But our kids look like every other kid, so we expect them to act like every other kid. And understanding that they can’t without intervention may be the first step toward a better situation for everyone involved. Good luck!

I can completely relate.  My son is 16 and we have tried many different meds.  As your son grows he may need to change doses or even change meds.  I’m afraid I have no advice about how to handle the frustration.  I’m still looking for answers on that front myself.

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate 100%! I am an educator too, but am overwhelmed by parenting my own child (daughter, aged almost 9). I find myself thinking terrible things about her, that I’d never admit to anyone, and I know it is not at all her fault. I am desperate to figure out how to help her, and I’m trying all sorts of things, but so far it’s just not enough. Right now, behavior management is the most successful strategy, both at home and at school. I found a terrific behavioral therapist who I’ve been meeting with on and off for over two years, who I think has literally saved us at times. I also moved, partly so that my daughter could go to a better school, and they use behavior management very successfully with her, too (the previous school did not). We have recently begun to try medication too, and although it seems to improve her focus at school, the side effects at home have been extreme, so we are about to try our third type of med. In addition, we’ve recently started play/cognitive therapy for her. Whew! And I feel like we’re just getting started…...

Try to remember that you will never get these days back….my mantra:  “parent the child you have not the one you wished you had”

I used to yell all the time…so much so, that as soon add my kids saw that I was getting angry, they would both cover their ears…that was sad!!  I realized that I m/f to start changing the way I handled things because he wasn’t going to.

Eventually, I learned that I had pmdd,  severe pms, and now I take zoloft and from day 1, it changed my life! 

I went from

ooops, my phone cut me off….so as I was “saying”...

Once I got my issues taken care of, our life changed!  You should read “Love & Logic” by Jim Fey…it is a very easy to read book with lots of practical solutions and I’m also using a Social skills program called “Boost Kids”.

Your little guy is still so young…try to let alot of the small stuff go…when my kids are doing something that I dont approve of, alot of times I look away and pretend Im dumb & blind…especially with my son, 11.

I can assure you, IT WILL GET BETTER, as he gets older.  Just try to find whats important to him and if he lies or backtalks…he loses his favorite activity…and reward charts are very effective with my son, even at 11 (of course, now the rewards from the dollar store are no longer of interest to him)..but its ok…I dont mind cuz not only am I happy that he did things right, but he also becomes very proud of himself!

He’s extremely silly and, I hate to say it, annoying…but alot of times it’s kinda funny!  I try to laugh & joke around with him as much as I can b/c the most important thing for me is for him to be happy and feel like that is a strength that he possesses (making people laugh).

My son also takes Karate & Tennis…he doesnt do too well in group sports since he starts to daydream. But luckily he is also bribed with the XBox…thank God for that!  We dont allow video games in the weekdays but he earns points during the week in order to play on the weekend.

Mornings are the toughest since he’s superrr slow at everything…but I wake him up like 2 hours before we have to leave for school and he’s ok with that.

Thank you all so much for your input. It’s so meaningful to me. And although I’m 38 weeks pregnant, I’m sure the non-stop tears have more to do with relief(that someone finally hears me) than my hormones.  It is such a journey…and I blamed myself for the way he was for years. I was too young to have kids, his father and I were a mess, we were financially unstable blah blah blah….Ivw grown to know, as my daughter ( exactly two years younger), gets older, that all that is irrelevant. Noah is who he is. He’s annoyingly silly, can’t get along with anyone, deliberately aggravating and until these past few months I never took the time to stop and look at the beauty inside him. His love for animals, his ability to create, his smile….and at six years old, I’m falling in love with my boy… Who honest to say I couldn’t stand until now. I think admitting that is the hardest thing in the world. I also fight a battle with his dad, whom I am happily married too…but as I see these things develop in Noah, they become clearer in my husband. My husband has spent his whole life trying to measure up. He struggled in school, he rocked himself to sleep as a kid. He’s temperamental, impulsive, easily distracted. He refuses to acknowledge anything might be wrong with Noah, I think bc he too sees the similarities and he fought too hard his whole life for his place in the world.  We are blessed however with the ability to send up children to private school( first year) where I have noticed an enormous academic transformation in him, just from kindergarden! Thanks again for your comments and advice. Just being able to vent mean more than you could imagine!

Hi,
I was actually just coming on here to have a rant about pretty much the same thing.  I have 7yo twin girls one of whom has a diagnosis of ADHD and the other borderline. I feel as if all day I yell and threat then yell and threat some more and I dont know why I do it.  Im also an educator and before my current job I worked with special ed kids for 11 yrs and I didnt notice my childs symptoms til their teacher started having bother with them in the class.  It was only then that it all became clear to me.  All they do it fight and argue….....ALL day long.  About everything.  Even down to who got more juice in their cup.  My head actually hurts today with them arguing and Ive been close to tears a few times. 
In the past i tried the pocket money thing.  I seen a pshycologist do it on tv.  They start off the week with say….10pennies or 10p’s or 20p’s (Im in Scotland so its sterling Im talking about) and that’s their pocket money.  Everytime they step out of line they get a warning and if they do it again they lose a penny.  This worked well for us as there is 2 of them and they are very competitive.  They did not like it when one of them had less to spend at the weekend than their sister.  But as usual with ADHD that eventually stopped working and now were are stumped as to what to do. 
The advice on here has been useful to me too and Ive been thinking about what to say on here all day about this.  Ive only just discovered this site too…..Finaly someone that understands…..Lynne x

I, too am an educator.  It’s one thing to teach students all day.  It’s another to come home and feel like you’re doing the same thing all over again.

My daughter doesn’t have ADD - but she is very high energy, impulsive and presently going through puberty.  I have adult ADD with menopause - a terrible combination.  There are days when I constantly negotiate with her.  We have a three strikes rule that if she gets 3 strikes, she can’t play travel ball softball for the season (but more realistically for upcoming tournaments).  Since the goal is to let her play, I really try to ensure that she doesn’t get to that point.  However, since she’s great at pushing my buttons - I’ve impulsively had her at 20 strikes, but have enabled her to work down her strikes through needed chores and random acts of kindness.  She’s gotten down to as low as -5 strikes (like money in the bank).  I’m the one who determines how many strikes or negative strikes she acquires.  It keeps fluctuating like a temperature gauge - due to how her behavior affects my moods.  My daughter is the type of person that gets into power struggles.  While this has worked brilliantly for us, it would probably be too arbitrary and confusing for your son - particularly at his age.

I’d try doing a rewards chart.  Reward him for things he’s expected to do anyway.  Reward him for leaving his sister alone - instead of aggravating her.  You can determine if tickets, tokens, stickers, etc. works best.  He can earn them for a reward/special privilege.  (I’ve this in the classroom every “Fun Friday”)  You’d have to determine the intervals - whether he is expected to behave appropriately for 10, 15, 20, 30+ minutes.

Try to keep positives at a ratio of 4 positives to every corrective action.  Catch him being good - or thank him for telling the truth - even if it’s after the fact - better late than never.

Rephrase words - instead of “stop lying,” ask him to please “tell the truth.”  Instead of saying “stop hitting” you might want to come up with an age appropriate equivalent to “refrain from hitting,” “make a better choice,” “hands to yourself,” etc. 

You can brainstorm with him to come up with solutions.  What could/should he have done instead?

Visual timers, checklists work.  You can make multiple xeroxes of a favorite comic hero from a coloring book.  One copy serves as the template.  Make another xerox and cut it up into puzzle pieces.  Every time he behaves appropriately, reward him with a puzzle piece and help him glue it onto the template.  Once all the puzzle pieces are glued onto the template, he earns a reward.  Repeat the process with a different picture.

I’m sure there are some wonderful children’s books.  My daughter loved,“No David!”  I just ordered the books “All Dogs have ADD,” as well as “All Cats have Asperger’s.”  I vaguely recall a book called, “Putting on the Brakes” but it might be more appropriate for 2nd - 3rd graders.  Surprising the public library had a few books at the elementary level - not sure if there were any that would be simple enough for a 6 year old.

If possible, relaxing rituals before bedtime - such as no TV.  Quiet music, baths, cuddling in bed while reading bedtime stories, camomile tea, warm milk, etc.  Maybe aromatherapy will work.  One of my former middle schoolers with Asperger’s loved the smell of rosemary essential oil.  He said it relaxed him when he sniffed it - so I let him keep my vial.  If this isn’t possible, try to find opportunities to try some of the aforementioned.

Hold your son accountable.  During times when my daughter wouldn’t do her homework - I’d hold her accountable on the spot.  We drove to her cousin’s house.  Just before everyone left to go swimming, I held her behind and told her that she couldn’t go because she had refused to do her homework.  She finished her homework and met everyone 20 minutes later.  I’ve cancelled sleepovers and other cherished activities with close friends at the last minute, because she hasn’t done her homework.  Her friends were disappointed, and while it might not have had a major impact on my daughter, it made her friends think twice about behaving irresponsibly, as they could end up in the same position.

Hang in there!  Hope some of these suggestions help along with the other great suggestions from other postings.  Wishing you all the best.

Just remembered, does your son like martial arts?  There are some relaxing yoga poses he can do that might be helpful.