This is such a tough situation. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I am a 28 yr old female diagnosed for about a year, and I identify with you 100% in the massive relief of guilt and despair following diagnosis. It really is like putting eyeglasses on for the first time to correct terrible vision…we were running around the world seeing it one way, not knowing that it wasn’t the same way everyone else was. The glasses, or lens, is the first step to understanding that there is a difference, and while the glasses don’t correct the blurry vision, they provide a means to understand if from everyone else’s perspective, if only in small doses.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately I guess), people who wake up in the morning with good vision don’t put on glasses to make things more distorted, and people who don’t have ADHD can’t understand it from our side. So while we need all the patience in the world, we need to keep in mind that we’re just not seeing things from the same vantage point, and it might just take time to understand your view.

I think it’s important that you do address it, because it’s not going away…but on the other side of the same coin you have a lifetime to help you and your family understand each other, especially if your daughter also has ADHD. Luckily having you as an example of a confident, informed, and assertive role model will put her in a good position to follow suit.

It’s really a shame that your parents can accept your brother’s diagnosis but not yours. One approach might be to try to understand their thinking about that and maybe correct some of their false assumptions, which may include the broad public perception of ADHD as the little boy who can’t sit still. Maybe letting them know that the manifestation between the genders is often different, and share how you experience them. It might take repeating the conversation several times with different approaches, but anger and force aren’t going to do any good for understanding.

I know it’s hurtful, and I can be thrown into a whirlwhimd of temporary anger and self doubt when someone is insensitive about something they don’t understand. I just try to regain perspective, and remind myself that I don’t need that person’s validation, they are intitled to think what they want, and theres a small chance I’ll change what they think. It usually has nothing to do with you, but something they would rather not face. For example, I have a coworker who treats me very condescendingly for features of me (most highly related to my symptoms) that he feels are not in line with what he expects of his colleague. Now, in light of learning about my ADHD diagnosis, and recieving training about accommodations as part of an appointment, he still refuses to change his beliefs about the reason for my behavior, or his expectations. Your mom may have a similar issue at play, not wanting to admit she may have overlooked providing her daughter with the same resources as her son, it’s very hard to say..

But they can’t NOT hear you if you’re talking, so keep talking, and I hope they come around quickly!

I was just diagnosed at age 56.  My mother is similar to yours (and I suspect that she also has add), and at my age, I’ve learned not to tell her things.  So I am withholding this info.  It’s too late for you, since she knows, but I would recommend just not talking about it with her.  Work on making changes in your life.  Hopefully, your husband is supportive, so confide in him and share all your feelings with him.  My husband is extremely supportive and now we laugh about the problems i have had (and continue to struggle with).  I am on meds, and my life has changed dramatically.  Now, the negative things my mother says do not affect me as much.  I don’t mean to make this sound simple; it’s not, and it takes work every day, and every time I talk to my mother.  But it has gotten better.  Good luck.

Skyeandante,

    I understand why you are upset. There are ignoramuses all around us. On the other hand I also tend to go on and on and on until my wife kicks me under the table and tells me my friends are feeling badgered by my knowledge.

My therapist has suggested that some people fill up with information very quickly and can’t take it any more.

I might suggest that in your zeal to inform those around you you may keep hitting their limits and it’s their reaction to overload and not their lack of compassion.

On the other hand people don’t care why you may have done something they just care you forgot to do something.

ADD is a reason not an excuse, that’s is a difficult concept for many. Where is the line? The fact is some of us cross it all the time. I still get upset with my kids if they do it when they probably learned it from me.

Yikes.

SMbluerose has it right. find solace where you can and learn when and where you can open your mouth. Work - NO!, Family - Maybe, Friends - sometimes. Spouse - Sometimes. When people are not open to communication - Never.

Reality bites sometimes, but if you learn what and where is appropriate to talk you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

Especially tough for us ADDers to not blurt things out. Thank God for Prozac.

In your area?
http://www.adhasa.co.za/

http://www.adders.org/southafricamap.htm

http://www.adders.org/southafricamap.htm

Good Luck
Augie
http://addsherpa.com

Thank you for all your replies, it has made me feel better, and it is always a relieve to speak to people who understand and support as they can. Thank you for the humor too Augie. Yes i live in South Africa, and there is not much in the line of support groups in the province I live in, which is Gauteng. Thank you all for reading.

I deal with the same things from family memebers regarding my daughter’s diagnosis—at age 4.  They are constantly downplaying it and dismissing it because they don’t see her in situations when she NEEDS to be behaving and sitting still—they only see her in situations where she is free to do as she pleases.  There is so much misunderstanding out there about ADHD because it is behavioral and people just can’t wrap their heads around the idea that some people just can’t control their behavior in a typical way. I don’t have any advice but I have told my family it bothers me. I’ve stopped talking to them about it because I end up getting frustrated with them. Good luck and you are not alone!

I can relate.  I myself (49) was diagnosed only a couple of years ago, and only really got testing confirmation a few months ago.  I’m just beginning my journey with finding helpful meds. I’m finding explanations, but few answers, and I struggle every day.

What’s not new for me, is dealing with ADHD in my daughter, and my (almost-ex) husband.  Last year when we did comprehensive testing on my daughter, the results were interesting and daunting. In the test of ability to focus in the face of boredom and repetition with non-intuitive cues, she came up at the 1st percentile.  This means that 99% of people can do that task better than she can.

My description to others was also to compare it to a visual disability. She is functionally blind, even though she has beautiful blue eyes. Yelling at her or blaming her for her ADHD is like telling a blind person to try harder to see.  It doesn’t work, and it’s damaging. 

Taking medication is like magnifying the tiny bit of vision she does have—coke bottle glasses in her case. *wry smile* Developing systems and habits to support her memory/focus is like keeping the furniture arranged in a predictable way, or putting her food on the table in a clockface pattern. She turns in more homework when the teacher puts the basket near the door where she passes it on her way in AND out of the classroom, for instance. Her Resource Specialist/Case Manager at School is her Anne Sullivan, helping her to navigate and otherwise unnavigable environment, and to translate other people’s words and requests into something she’s capable of responding to.

Many people still don’t get it. Friends and teachers sometimes still blame her for it. Teachers in particular need education themselves on how this affects ADHD people.  It’s hard, because sometimes she CAN do things—when she’s excited by the material, for instance—and then teachers expect that she *should* be able to do it that well all the time “if she’d only try harder.” We parents (both with AD(H)D ourselves, remember!) get blamed for not providing a consistent home environment and not “making her” do her homework or for not monitoring her progress, or not knowing when school events are.

Until recently, I blamed myself for much of this. Now I’m starting to see things through my own ADD lens (not much “H” for me, at least not now as an adult), and I’m trying to learn to be more gentle with myself. I’m also learning to celebrate the positives of AD(H)D—how incredibly creative my daughter can be (she’s in the room with me painting t-shirts right now —or how hyperfocus can help me to write.

I’m glad you’ve found online support groups.  I know that reading the online ADDitudeMag issues over the past few years has been incredibly helpful for me in understanding my daughter… and now myself. I don’t feel as alone, and I don’t feel so crazy. I know it’s not unreasonable or bad to choose to medicate her (or me). I see that others are choosing life paths that don’t necessarily lead to a University… and that it’s possible to survive and even thrive in such a life.

And yes, not everyone will listen or understand.  All you can do sometimes is ignore them or work around them. It’s frustrating, but trying to change their minds is like that old proverb about teaching a pig to sing:  It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig!

Hi! I’m 54, male, and still married as of today. I was diagnosed about six years ago.

I can certainly relate to someone not understanding when you’d expect them to “get it.” My wife left me about two weeks ago, largely over the impulsivity even though that’s much better than it once was. She has treated me as if the ADD was willful for the past three or four years, even though her sister was diagnosed long ago (like 20 years ago) and has talked to her about it any number of times. She has also told me I “identify” with the ADD, which makes as much sense as identifying with some other illness. I’m still trying to decide if she’s done me a favor by leaving me.

On the other hand, my siblings are pretty cool about it. (Our parents are deceased.) I have a brother and a sister who have been diagnosed, and we all get along pretty well except for arguments about politics. (We’re all pretty opinionated.)

Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time with family. I’m almost 42 and was diagnosed 1 1/2 ago and chose not to tell my mother/brother for the same reasons. I knew I had adhd for about 7 yrs before seeking help, and had brought it up in conversasion with my mother and her reply was…oh please, you were just a klutzy, lazy, unmotivated child. (thanks mom) It saddens me that I can not share this with her sometimes, but then I look at the whole picture and realize that I have made the right choice by not saying a word. Sometimes we have to keep our adult life private from the people we love most.

Skye,

It sounds like that your parents really don’t believe that ADHD is real, and for some people it is hard to see ADHD as a true neuro-biological condition, after all you can walk, think, talk, and function. 

Accept the fact that they aren’t ready to understand or face ADHD.  People with ADHD can take medications which makes a big improvement (for most people) and then they can start working on creating new behaviors to manage and cope with ADHD.

Use ADHD as a lever rather than as a crutch.  Use your strengths to your advantage, create ways that help you deal with the symptoms of ADHD.  Have someone hold you accountable for getting the results you want.  Depending on what aspects of life are challenging for you (time management, organization, procrastination, focus, ...) see what strategies would help you manage those issues.

Look at what you can do well and focus on that.  Find strategies that support you in the areas that you find are a struggle.  Be patient with yourself, give yourself permission to succeed and continue to look for solutions.

i sympathise with u about your family,i am lucky in that my mum first told me that i prob had add as she had heard about it on the radio and that it was at the time being discused in america, it wasnt so much heard of when i was young, im 50 now, i didnt take much notice then and even after that as it was oftn potrayed as hyperactive kids on tv and i wasnt like that, then one day a guy on tv said that there were people that stared out the window, this made me thnk and i joined a group, ive been trying to get help ever since but with not much luck, my mum not around now but my sister believes in me especialy as her son has been diagnosed (she first knew he had it because i had started to learn about me) she came to doctors with me which helps as i find it difficult to deal with doctors for some reason. some of my freinds are understanding but some of them dont realy believe it and just think im a bit stupid and annoying, i am not spending so much time with those ones. i hope u eventually get your family to understand as its obviously important when its people that u r related and close to. hopefully i will get diagnosed so i can get the help i need. good luck to u