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Couples With One ADHD Partner

Intimacy Issues (& Solutions for them)
Keywords:


I was hoping the group could weigh in on any possible solutions you’ve found for fixing (or, if not fixable, coping with) the lack of interest in intimacy that seems to accompany this condition.

My husband has ADD.  I do not.  He’s always felt uncomfortable talking about sex (went to a religious school, grew up in a conservative family, etc).  When we were first dating and married, intimacy would happen a few times a week.  Now we’re down to once a month if even that. 

I think some of it is that he lost his hyper focus for me.  Some of it is the parent-child dynamic that unfortunately developed as he forgot more and more chores or tasks (or remembering to get daycare for our child!).  I had to take over because we have a child and he just can’t do his share.  He’s a nice man, but he just can’t remember things (even with chalkboard lists on our kitchen walls), he inevitably breaks his promises about what he says he’ll do, etc. 

And yet, it’s HIM who is disinterested in sex. Any tips from the group?  He and I have talked about this and he goes to a therapist (but only when I beg him to make an appointment).  He says he’s just too tired and not that comfortable with sex.  I’m turning 40, and fear that I may be in a sexless marriage in my prime.  I’d like to help him if I can.  I won’t be leaving the marriage regardless, though.

Thank you in advance.

Replies

It’s very common, so please don’t think it’s you. Try and set aside alone time each week if you can. IF you can connect 10-15 minutes each day for quality conversations that’s great as well. Try and do the things you did when you first started dating.Flirt with him, laugh, play. What did you enjoy then? Try and recreate those early times. What did you do and say differently back then?
IF he’s on any meds, that might be contributing to his lack of interest as well. IT might just be the stress of life, not enough stimulation in his everyday routine, and poorly managed ADD. If he’s not feeling good about himself, could he be depressed? Low self-esteem? That kills his sex drive too. When he starts feeling better about himself, he might just start feeling more interest in sex.
In the meantime, remember who you were when you fell in love with him. Bring her back out and have some fun with it.

Posted by GHM on Mar 31, 2017 at 5:18pm

My ADHD husband lost his hyperfocus and all interest in me a long time ago. But not in sex - that he still wanted. And yes, I have effectively parented him too, and that doubtless had its effects. We continue to live together, with the slightest of communication. I feel compromised and isolated and I am battling severe mental health difficulties. 
I would consider looking elsewhere. Whatever his issues may be, they will not essentially change.
At least take your focus off him and look outside. You only have one life and someone might be delighted to be with you.

Posted by Notwaving on Apr 01, 2017 at 4:02pm

Thank you to you both.  I am adopting a combination of the two approaches.  I realized that it’s in my best interest to be fun again. And also in many best interest I learn to find more joy in myself and in things outside of my husband.

Realistically, I am very aware that the sex thing is a losing battle.  He has little to no interest in it and just feels bad when I bring up partnership sexual “duties.”

Going to be down to me now.  Luckily if I can dance happily with myself, I can hopefully manage the other.

Hugs to all the non-ADD spouses going through this.  It feels so lonely, but it isn’t, I think.  The love is still there, just not with the bows.

Posted by nexus7722 on Apr 01, 2017 at 11:18pm

Here are some expert articles and videos on intimacy with ADHD in the relationship:
http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/11/8759.html
http://www.additudemag.com/RCLP/sub/10761.html

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

Posted by adhdmomma on Apr 03, 2017 at 2:27pm

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