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Couples With One ADHD Partner

Just found out hubby has ADHD and he doesn't like my son

First of all if you reply please no negative comments as I am already depressed, thanks.

My DH and I have been married only 2 months and it’s been all bad, except for 3 months ago when our son was born. He really changed after we left the hospital. I also have an 18 year old that lives at home. He feels I should give my son a time limit and kick him out because he’s not finding a job fast enough, well I’m not going to just throw my son to the wolves. He also feels my son is manipulating me to end the marriage but he’s not, he just tells me I deserve to be treated with love and respect.

My MIL is in town and I have found out that everything in our relationship was based on his own selfishness and him lying to me. He now is showing an ugly side of him so to the point he had to move out. MIL told me he has ADHD and without meds his temper and anger is the way it is; also his dad was very abusive in all ways possible growing up, as well as he was bullied at school. All this has now come to surface and he has been hurting all of us, so much so that he had an altercation with my son and he went to the prosectors and there’s a hearing coming up. He doesn’t understand why and can’t see what he’s been doing wrong even though EVERYBODY has told him he’s being an a$$.

I am losing my mind as I can’t believe he was so sweet and now so sour. Everyone says leave him but I don’t want to be a single mom again, but I do know I’m a good person that doesn’t deserve all this. He finally got his insurance so he can get the help he needs but I wonder has the damage he’s done been too much to repair. Thanks for listening.

Replies

You are a good person and you don’t deserve this!!!  I can’t emphasize that enough!  But I know how hard it is to feel good about yourself when such bad things are happening. 
whether the damage is too much to repair is impossible to say from a distance (or even from up close).  If your husband is willing to get treatment, it might be reasonable to give him a second chance.

Posted by rosered on Jul 04, 2014 at 3:41am

I am so sorry for the painful situation you are in.  You are right you are a good person! You deserve to be treated with love and respect.  I pray your husband seeks treatment. It must be hard going through this with a newborn that needs all your attention.  Try to lean on family and friends as you need to feel supported.

Mitzi

https://www.facebook.com/pages/ADHD-Who-Knew/1467752306802788?ref=tn_tnmn

Posted by Mitzi Maine on Jul 04, 2014 at 4:09am

I so feel for you in such a tough situation. A lot can change with treatment and meds. But I urge you to be strictly realistic. You can still have hope and see reality.

If you don’t know much about the disorder you would benefit from learning more. It will help you to move in the direction of understanding why he is the way he is. It doesn’t excuse his behavior but you can still be compassionate towards someone and yet not accept ill treatment.

You are in a great position right now. It may be hard to see it but your marriage is new and you have a new baby who is totally dependent on you so you can be more clearheaded about setting some boundaries and consequences. I wish I had known my husband had ADHD that early in our marriage.

Ultimately what you are willing to tolerate is up to you. We all tolerate more “bad behavior” from our ADHD spouses than we would probably like. But you can’t change or control him, you can only stand up for yourself and more importantly your children. As much as I know you want your own life you are really their first line of defense in the world and need you to be honest with yourself and realistic about the situation.

And remember to take some time for yourself.

Posted by YellaRyan on Jul 04, 2014 at 5:21am

Of course you don’t deserve this behavior from the man you married & just had a child with—-but more to the point, neither do either of your children, the 18 year old or the infant.

ADHD or not, I dunno, sounds like he pulled a bait-n-switch on you, waiting until after your child was born. How long did you know him before you married him? He lied to you: what sort of lies? He hid his background from you (it never came up how he was raised?).

Frankly, the lying and sudden change in behavior that even his own friends are noting that he’s behaving like an @$$, is a giant red flag telling you in semaphore that until he straightens out, he’s bad news. If he feels he needs to straighten out at all.

Marriage and babies can turn a switch on in some people and it triggers behaviors and attitudes the marriage partner never would have suspected.

Please get help. This sounds pretty serious to me.

Posted by JavaMonster on Jul 06, 2014 at 6:09am

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