Couples With One ADHD Partner
Just won't talk
Usually I’m answering questions… I feel like I got this ADHD thing sort of figured out most of the time. I’m non-ADHD spouse. I feel like I understand my husband to some extent, I understand my daughter and through her have been able to be more compassionate towards my husband’s disability.
But I am finding a really frustrating occurrence and I am wondering if this is an ADHD symptom and others are experiencing it too, or if, as my therapist suspects, it is some sort of personality disorder or even Autism spectrum.
My husband will simply not talk about anything of any importance to our lives. TV, movies, sure, the dog and cats and how cute they are, politics, bring it on! But if it is an issue that we grapple with at all, or even planning the family vacation for that matter, or discussing how to spend money, or how to deal with kids, he just won’t talk. To be clear, he is not refusing to talk, he isn’t clamming up totally but he is not contributing. And I have noticed of late all these tactics he uses to get out of the conversation (and HE never brings up anything of any importance either). He deflects really well, like changing the subject, or slightly changing it to get us off topic. He also uses his anxiety - within minutes of the start of a conversation he will become extremely anxious. Also, almost immediately after bringing up a subject he will say to me “I just don’t want to fight” even though there is no fight happening nor is there any on the horizon that I am willing to create. He also stonewalls, meaning he just sits and listens. He also agrees with whatever I say and then I believe I have a consensus and then he goes off and does whatever it was he wanted to do to begin with (this most often happens with money). He used to always say “We’ll have to work something out” and then never would visit the subject again.
As you can imagine this situation is not very conducive to a happy marriage. Obviously you can never resolve what you refuse to talk about. And he does not talk about himself but expects me to understand what he is going through. For instance, he gets migraines. If he seems irritable I will ask “Are you OK?” to which he will get defensive. Then as the day goes on, if I question him again why he is grumpy, not feeling well, whatever, he’ll yell “I’ve been fighting a migraine all day” in a most accusatory tone of voice (which I know I should not take personally but sometimes its hard not to!) as if I should have known and treated him appropriately. But he gets really irritated with me when I don’t know that he is tired, sad, worried, stressed, whatever it is but will not talk to me about what is going on with him.
What do y’all think? A symptom or a set up? He needs to have someone to be angry with at all times, and currently because he likes his job he can’t be angry at them so its come down to me I think… very frustrating and don’t know how the hell to deal with it. All attempts to address, ignore, accept completely backfire.
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