My son is in the 2nd grade and 7.5 years old. He also has ADD and is left out of Birthday Parties now and again.  This has been happening since Kindergarten.  I read books about how ADD kids are left out at times.  Although they are fine, kids pick up on the slightest differences.  Remember when you were a kid and everyone tried to be exactly the same?  If you were different in any way…it wasn’t cool and you would find yourself left out.  In college we realized it was COOL to be DIFFERENT and that’s when we got our chance.  I see my son struggle with his self esteem.  Kids note that he misses things or doesn’t pick up on stuff as fast as they do, due to his distractability.  He is also medicated, but it doesn’t alleviate the differences or the disability completely.  My heart also breaks when I see his ackwardness.  I wish I could give him the gift of confidence despite what he sees around him.  Just keep encouraging your son at home and building him up.  He’s going to grow up to be an amazing man. Focus on the journey…not just today or the heart aches. God willing this will not be in vain either, he will know compassion and be kind hearted to others who are different.  That’s what this world really needs. He’s going to have a life of significance…that’s what matters in the end. Hang in there!

My daughter doesn’t get invited to many birthday parties and they are only of the kids who are NOT in her class. But, perhaps it is her simple ADHD perspective, my child is happy to invited to any birthday party. I had the same heartbreak you are having when kids bought each other “Smencils” for Valentine’s Day. We bought 7 of them and only one child, a child with Asberger’s, bought one for her. I was so surprised. Perhaps they thought only to buy for kids in their own class or the parents didn’t buy any. Still, I cried when I heard she only had one. But again, she had a smile on her face that someone thought of her.

If your son doesn’t want play dates, then he doesn’t. My sister has a similar situation with her 12 year old with ADHD. He just doesn’t like to spend time with other kids. He would rather read. The good thing is that friends can be made anytime, and when he figures out the benefits of having friends, he’ll make some.

I remember not being invited to parties and getting picked last for sports when i was in grade school. My son as well. I’m 52 my son is 18.

I remember it bugged me at the time but I developed self confidence without those kids. My son gained more friends in high school as he got involved in activities and youth groups. Niether of us really care what others think unlike my wife who gets embarrased by the slightest thing.

I guess if your expectations are low you are rarely dissapointed. I think i’d rather have some thick skin than be so worried about other peoples expectations.

I don’t think there was any permanent damage from that. As long as you are on top of it and are taking care of your kids you will be so far ahead of those who don’t ever recognize ADD and treat their kids for it.

Hopefully all the self medication and depression I suffered you will avoid.

Good luck.
Augie

http://addsherpa.com

Maybe you could do something special with him on that particular day e.g. treat him to an outing to the movies just the two of you. 

It’s tough but social exclusion in some form or the other goes with the territory of disability.  The sooner we develop mechanisms for dealing with it the better.  Our society places a lot of emphasis on same age peer group belonging for children often to their detriment in teenage years but the reality is that children benefit a lot more from close relationships with parents and other adult mentors.  Friendships will come later in his life as he grows and matures.  It sounds like is doing so well otherwise right now!

I can totally feel your pain.  My son was excluded for years in elementary school from many parties and get togethers.  He is a nice kid with a good heart but tends to annoy his friends with impulsive and intrusive behaviors.  He has a hard time stopping when he is asked to stop and therefore, he gets a bad rap.  He is now in jr. high and while he is making friends, they are not the kids who seem to have the potential he does.  Sports keeps him plugged into the kids with aspirations, but he does not keep them as friends when the season is over. 

Based on these concerns my husband and I recently visited a center for ADD wellness and will be taking our son there for individual counseling and a social skills group.  They describe some ADD kids in similar terms as kids with autism in regards to social skills.  I wish now that we would have sought out a social skills group for him when he was much younger.

That is exactly my son - he gets along with others but doesn’t ask for playdates and is happy spending time alone. It is very tough to swallow but that was my life as a child too.  I came into my own in High School when I didn’t care anymore and my self-confidence blossomed.
I found that inviting kids to go on an outing with my son (Xtreme Trampoline) or to an indoor swimming pool helps build familiarity with him.  These are painful times to watch but it does get better.  I firmly believe that the oddities our children have today will make them UNIQUE and interesting adults.  I love what Koukla posted above - it is true!  Hang in there - your son is not alone and this time will pass.

It’s nice to see everyone’s posts as we have issues with this as well. I was that kid too….and when I was growing up, my parents were most likely too tired after 5 children and also didn’t learn the skills that we have available today as parents. We are so much more “in toon” that we almost worry about it more than we should! I don’t remember my parents ever acting like it was a big deal. I kind of had to figure things out on my own…..dealing with my own social conflicts! I became shy due to being “ridiculed” as kids can be so mean…but I worked thru it (was a late bloomer socially) and I grew out of that shyness @ the end of High School and College.
My son , who is ADHD is an only child. He would also prefer to be alone….and likes the “down time” and has a few friends. But, the friends contact him…he doesn’t contact them 1st. I do have to have talks about being a friend and that it takes 2 to work at a friendship. He also hasn’t been included in birthday parties….but I think that due to my past experiences, that it bothered me more!  It helps to know that we are not alone in our worries about this.

Thank you everyone!!

I feel better knowing we are not alone! If it doesn’t bother him than I shouldn’t let it bother me! I will focus my energy on other positives for my son! Thank you again for your kind words of encouragement!!!

Hello,

I am new to this site, and Im so glad I found it. I have an 11 year old daughter and she too has been left out of birthday parties, because the parent’s think she is too hyper. My daughter doesn’t want people knowing she has ADHD and that she takes medications because she is afraind of being teased. So many people don’t understand ADHD they automatically want to assume BAD KID, it is so draining trying to educate people. It’s sad to know there are so many people out there that are judgmental of a child… Anyway I just wanted to vent and to add there is another person going thru what you are. I hope it gets better for you.

Thanks Kieko!

We just had another incident yesterday that just broke my heart.  When I was a kid, I was the outcast.  I remember so many parties and functions that I was the only kid in the class that wasn’t included.  I had such a terrible time when I was a kid.  I thought I had gotten over all that but then yesterday, my almost 10 year old wonderful ADHD son tells me that they did a class project where they had to pick partners among the 6 kids that they sit with in class.  2 of the girls paired up, 3 of the boys paired up and left my son to work on his own.  I started crying because I know what that feels like to be left alone.  I ask him about recess time and he tells me he goes over to the swings alone almost everyday.  It just breaks my heart.  He is such a loving, gentle, smart and funny little boy…....I don’t want him to hurt like I did, like I do from those times when I was left out.  I don’t know what to do for him to help him.

It’s so sad that there are so many of us feeling bad for our kids, yet heartening that we are in this together.  My 11 year old daughter is an outcast in her class because of her impulsive and distracted behavior.  She never gets invited to anything, and says she spends recesses alone. My heart breaks every time she tells me this stuff.  What I do to try to compensate is building friendships with the kids of my friends.
  They don’t go to the same schools, so these kids have no frame of reference to her troubles there.  Also, by having friends outside the school, she has something to offer when the class talks about weekend activities and such.  I find it gives her a source of confidence, and since my friends know she has ADHD, they can explain her awkwardness to their kids.  Hope this suggestion helps!

Cori

I totally agree with Cori, I have learned to put my daughter in outside the school activities to build friendships away from class mates. I had a meeting with the principal and my daughter’s teacher and they say there aren’t aware of any problems with the other children and my daughter so I’m lucky enough to have some free time and I decided to start helping out in her class so I can start watching the behavior of not only the children but also the teacher, after some of the remarks the teacher has said such as “you are like the black crow who always seems to be around when someone is hurt and crying” to just not believing anything my daughter says. I feel sad to think if this behavior of the school and parents that I might have to change schools, but at when does it stop? The judging the comments. So draining!

Much love to you all!
Kieko

Cori it’s funny that you said about your friends kids bc it’s true he gets along with kids that aren’t in his classroom! He plays hockey & karate & loves to do both! There are other ADHD kids in karate & they all get along so well!

Thanks again to everyone who shared their stories! Too bad we couldn’t get all our kids together!