New Issue!

Spring 2017 Issue ADDitude magazine Read the 'ADHD Therapies That Work' issue now!

The New ADDitude Forums Are Live!

Reach our full community by posting to ADDitude's discussion forums here

Couples With One ADHD Partner

Living wit a husband with ADHD

How to live with a husband with no personal insight or ability to connect emotionally?



Posted by tracyrheck on Nov 24, 2013 at 4:09am

Most don’t.  Divorce rates when ADHD is part of the equation are ~50% higher than average.  It’s off the charts for when both husband and wife have ADHD. 

I have ADHD and I know what I am and am not..  I am no husband.  You do not mention if your husband is under care.  Meds can help… Plenty.  Know that Amphetamine based drugs can impact other parts of the relationship.  Read up on it.

Consider taking the road most travel… Counseling, medication… yadda yadda…  The results, however are all too often the same.  You do owe it to yourself and your commitment to try.  You make no mention of children.  Certainly if you have kids, doing everything possible to save the relationship is the only path.

I don’t envy you.  Know on most split ups, hyperfocus kicks in and you are the center of his universe… right up until another shiny object comes into view.  Take in the whole picture and don’t get caught up ‘in the moment’.  Your best bet is to try to extend the periods of hyperfocus on you and the relationship and minimize what you are now facing.  Desensitization to the abuse is another important part of the equation.

This is worth watching:

As is anything by Dr. Barkley.

Another worthy effort is reading the Melissa Orlov book on the subject.  What she does not relay in that very well written book are the hard statistics of this thing.  Like most relationship counselors, she highlights hope and not the years of statistics on ADHD marriages. Therapy or no, it’s a tough road you have found yourself on.

If you have a shot at staying married, you will find it in Orlov’s book.  Good luck to you

Posted by LakeLife on Nov 24, 2013 at 6:26am

Of course every situation is different but you will succeed I believe to the extent that your husband is willing to get treatment.

And in the meantime you must work on yourself apart from him. You must take total responsibility for your own life, your own emotions, and your goals so that you will have a full life apart from him. You, if you stay, will have to take a good deal of care of your tornado, so you have to have a rich other part to feed from. You are not likely to get a whole lot of what you need or want from an ADHD husband consistently.

I’ve been married to a tornado of my own for 16 years. I am always working on ways to cope, make things better, with varying success. But I haven’t been knocked down by it yet!

Posted by YellaRyan on Nov 25, 2013 at 8:50am

I have been with my common-law husband for 9 years,(no children)and we both came to the conclusion that he probably has ADD, after I asked him to leave my house and my life once and for all.  We still both love each other, but I am weighing the pros and cons trying to figure out whether it is worth my time and energy to try to save this relationship(alone…).  He moved out originally to try and make a better living in a bigger city nearby because although he has made more money than me, I have been supporting him since he went bankrupt.  I am nearing retirement and my plan has always been to become a professional artist.  Painting requires time and concentration.  Since he left I have been feeling like I am putting my house and my life back together like someone surviving a Tsunami…funny how we all have similar words!

Posted by Kamala on Nov 27, 2013 at 10:21pm

Reply to this thread

You must be logged in to reply. To log in, click here.
Not a member? Join ADDConnect today. It's free and easy!

Not a member yet? Join here »

Search the ADDConnect Group Discussions