Couples With One ADHD Partner
Lost and Confused
My ADHD partner and I have been together 9 years, living together 7.5 years, and married for 7 years. His hyperfocus on me and our relationship literally ended on our honeymoon. Prior to that I never saw any signs of his ADHD. The first 3 years of our marriage were really rocky because of the drastic attitude change between dating and marriage. I didn’t know until recently (I’ve been devoting a lot more time learning more about his ADHD) how almost all of our problems are a result of his ADHD not being treated properly (and me not responding the best to his ADHD symptoms).
More and more I’m feeling like I don’t even know who my husband is anymore. He’s anxious, angry a lot, gotten cynical, complains constantly, and has a negative outlook on life. Last night I confronted him about how he’s been treating/reacting to our cat and he admitted he’s “lost the appeal of even having her” because she bugs us for food in the morning and he “can’t sleep on the weekends like he used to” (it’s been 4 months since we’ve adopted her). He’s also been frustrated with work for the last year and gets angry and/or depressed a few days a week because of it. He tells me he messes up a lot at work and thinks he would have been fired already if he weren’t such good friends with his boss.
I have tried to get him into counseling for the last few years and his doctor has been suggesting it as well but he says it’s too expense and doesn’t think it’s worth the cost. About 2 years ago he switched from Concerta to Adderall, and I thought that would help but I believe this still isn’t right for him based on his symptoms. Last fall he finally told his doctor and ME! about how depressed he is and has tried several anti-depressants since. I don’t think they’ve found the right one yet either.
Lately he’s been having explosive episodes to the point where he seems like a completely different person. It scares and confuses me. He is both the sweetest person and biggest jerk I’ve ever met. I’ve talked to him about this and some other things I’ve noticed/realized recently but I feel so lost. I’ve tried looking for (in-person) support groups but the closest one is almost 2 hours away. I’ve also tried reaching out to some close friends but that hasn’t been enough. I think today I’ll be looking for counselors for myself.
I’m more so here to vent but anyone else that’s gone through this as the non-ADHD partner, how did you cope? What can I do to take care of myself while my partner is sorting out his medication?
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