Very well put. I couldn’t have said it better, even for my own life.

I agree! Sometimes I still feel that way!

AZ-ADD-7:

If I may share a quick tid-bit about your notion of re-entry upon being diagnosed:

While a diagnosis is a very important step, part of a meaningful self-understanding process, I am not sure that it actually can or should be said to resolve the sort of outward-inward gaze you’ve had upon yourself.

This notion of putting your gaze back inside of you seems to suggest that you’ve couched your perception of yourself ‘into’ the diagnosis. While I very much like the analogy of how your diagnosis has cleared up what’s going on within you, the diagnosis does not change how you should and invariably will find yourself still being ‘objective’.

In-fact much of therapy strives to develop this kind of outward back-again gaze, which allows you to contextualize you, your experiences, and forgive yourself for much of what’s a normal stressor, or be proud of what you’ve done so well in the face of adversity.

A diagnosis onto itself explains aspects of your medical profile within particular biologic-legal-ontological schemes. However, I urge you not to loose the objectivity about yourself which you must have felt while situated on the ‘outside’.

A diagnosis should not take the place of one’s continual search for answers, appreciations, and frankly, realistic understandings about how you are in-fact imperfect, human, emotional, and wonderfully complex.

“You could do anything if you put your mind to it”, a phrase I heard more than once.

I have not had too many problems with having and keeping friends, but I have always felt inferior to them, which is a way of not participating on an equal level.  But in every aspect of my life, I have felt inferior, because I screwed up on about everything I tried to do.  I didn’t get my diagnosis until I was middle aged, so that type of thinking prevails unless I put forth constant effort to tell myself that I’m not inferior.  Often when I look into a mirror, I am shocked to see an adult woman instead of the little girl that I perceive myself to be.

Michael: Thank you for your thoughtful comment.  However, I believe you are reading too much into what I wrote.

Further, I am not sure that you understand what I mean by “on the outside looking in”.  That is something very personal; I have felt that way for as long as I can remember.  It will always be with me.

It is about not fitting in.  Knowing that I am different, but not knowing why. 

As a child, I just wanted to be like the other kids.  More than that I wanted the other kids to accept me.

I could go on and on.  But I’m not sure that it’s a good use of my time, as I don’t believe that you would understand.

You made a lot of assumptions about who I am and what I believe.  Frankly, I found most of what you wrote presumptions and absurd. 

A simple paragraph without terms like “biologic-legal-ontological schemes” will do next time.

Thanks for your post, AZ. I was not diagnosed until late middle age. My experience both before and after the ADHD diagnosis are similar to yours.

Thanks for your post, AZ. I was not diagnosed until late middle age. My experience both before and after the ADHD diagnosis are similar to yours.

Hi AZ, I was dx’d 10 years ago. I still feel like I’m ‘on the outside looking in’. It is a fact that I am not as hard on myself as I was before the diagnosis and am able to understand myself a little better. But I am sometimes overcome by sadness that I lost so much of living life b/c of this thing called ADD. Unlike some of us, I just can’t feel anything positive about being “different”.

AZ,
What a wonderful image you created. That is truly how I have felt sometimes.

I REALLY relate to what barneysmd said. I too had plenty of friends- through sports and lots of partying- self medication that is. I ALWAYS felt inferior to them though. Many were semi- derelicts but I still managed to feel inferior to them.

Just reminded me of the beautifully sad Sarah McLachlan tune “Angel”:
“There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough,
and it’s hard, at the end of the day.”

AZ and everyone else, keep “fighting the good fight” to not only survive but thrive and enjoy ourselves in our craziness. And of course to laugh as much as possible.

AZ….I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt like you were on the outside looking in. I felt the same way too. When I was finally diagnosed with ADD last year at the age of 48 I felt relieved, yet angry.

I was angry because of everything I had missed. I spent most of my time thinking about tomorrow instead of living in the moment i was in. I wasted so much time fretting about what might happen that I could never pay attention to what WAS happening at the time.I had great envy when I saw other people enjoying life because for me life felt like more of an endurance test.

I can’t get back those missed days, and being angry won’t help either….so I try and remain grateful for my late diagnosis because at least today I can live IN the moment and be present in today.

AZ….I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt like you were on the outside looking in. I felt the same way too. When I was finally diagnosed with ADD last year at the age of 48 I felt relieved, yet angry.

I was angry because of everything I had missed. I spent most of my time thinking about tomorrow instead of living in the moment i was in. I wasted so much time fretting about what might happen that I could never pay attention to what WAS happening at the time.I had great envy when I saw other people enjoying life because for me life felt like more of an endurance test.

I can’t get back those missed days, and being angry won’t help either….so I try and remain grateful for my late diagnosis because at least today I can live IN the moment and be present in today.

AZ….I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt like you were on the outside looking in. I felt the same way too. When I was finally diagnosed with ADD last year at the age of 48 I felt relieved, yet angry.

I was angry because of everything I had missed. I spent most of my time thinking about tomorrow instead of living in the moment i was in. I wasted so much time fretting about what might happen that I could never pay attention to what WAS happening at the time.I had great envy when I saw other people enjoying life because for me life felt like more of an endurance test.

I can’t get back those missed days, and being angry won’t help either….so I try and remain grateful for my late diagnosis because at least today I can live IN the moment and be present in today.

I always felt different and I perceived that as being flawed.  When I learned more about ADD/ADHD and realized there were so many more people out there who felt just like I did, and that a large part of the medical community recognized these brain wiring differences, I was able to review and reframe my past through a lense of understanding, compassion and hope.  I still have to remind myself to do that.  Sometimes it is very difficult.  Many people who do not have our type of brain wiring do NOT understand the challenges we face, so they cannot appreciate the hurdles that we jump and the energy that it takes for us to do what they do easily.  I am working on trying to not let their judgements affect me so much.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful and caring people who try their best to understand others and who value me for my strengths and accept me for who I am.