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ADHD in Boys

My Step Son is Masturbating Uncontrollably

We just found out my step son is masturbating uncontrollably. My husband has a 13yo son and I have a 13yo daughter. My daughter told me on X-mas day that my step son masturbates 4 to 5 times a day with his room door open or humps his pillow with his room door open. We talked about it, and found out he was watching porn on his tablet, which those sites have now been blocked. My husband and I were upset because he acted as though he didn’t know he was supposed to be embarrassed when my daughter walked in his room to tell him it was his turn to walk the dog because he was masturbating with the door open. He didn’t stop, he didn’t cover up, nor did he jump like he had been caught, he just kept at it ignoring her.

In the last 3 weeks he has taken it up a notch. Whenever my daughter leaves her room he goes into her room and get in her bed with his pillow, and humps his pillow in her bed. He was caught this morning coming out of her room while she was in the shower. He waited for her to go in the bathroom stay in there for a couple min then made his way to her room. The two of them also share a play station so when it’s her term to play, he uses that as his chance to go in her room with his pillow. She went to a football game with a friend, and he used that as a chance to go in her room. When we asked him how come he times it when she’s leaving the room or leaving the house to go in her room, his response was I just want to know what it feels like to be in a girl’s bed. This morning was I just want to know what it feels like to be in a girl’s bed one more time before I stopped.

We talked to his mom who said he could move back with her just so he won’t be tempted by my daughter’s room, but my reply to that was, I want him to learn to control his self not move out and call him fixed because he’s no longer around my daughter €™s room because if this is an issue it will manifest itself somewhere else in his life in a different way. My step son acts like he has no idea why he’s doing this, and then he lies. We just signed him up for therapy where he has his first session in a week, but I am at a loss for words. My daughter is okay, and doesn’t feel threatened, but said, maybe if I never leave my room he won’t go in there.

Replies

Dear Ahava,
I am sure nobody wants to touch this subject with a 10 foot pole (no pun intended) but you’ve got a serious problem here. It has nothing to do with ADHD and has everything to do with his mental health. The fact is,  you do not know how long he has been watching porn and although it is blocked from his tablet now, the length of time he had exposure to it has already done the damage.

First, I would find him a good “male” child psychologist or psychiatrist so he can begin some talk therapy to find out why he is doing this. masturbating is not an abnormal thing for teenagers but it is abnormal not to have any modesty about it in front of family members or anyone for that mater. Therapist have a very gentle approach to these types of matters (I have a friend who has her own counseling practice) and they can talk to him in a way that will not make him feel shameful but will explain to him why it is something that is supposed to be private. In that same regard, my concern is whether or not your stepson may have Asberger’s Syndrome. Kids with Asberger’s have NO filter. They are socially awkward and say and do things without regard to the impact their words and actions may have on others. They can be given medication for this and I believe it is something to seriously look into. Please don’t look at your stepson as a freak or a bad kid, he may have a legitimate medically diagnosable problem and this just happened to be the way you found out about it.

My advice would be to make an appointment with someone for him immediately as this type of behavior, as a result of being exposed to pornography, may escalate into him being sexually promiscuous and possibly forcing himself on females when he gets older. In other words, am referring to “rape.” It is a serious matter but like I said, don’t freak out. Getting him help now is the most responsible and proactive thing you can do. You and his dad need to exercise self-control in discussing this with him. Do not shame him or raise your voices, as upset as you may be. Talk to him in a calm tone about it. Make the appointment first as he may act out in a rebellious manner and you don’t want to deal with that for weeks until he can get in to see the therapist.

Oh yeah, if he does go to live with him mom, your hubby and you should insist that she gets him the help he needs as simply taking him out of the situation involving your daughter’s room is not enough. I will pray for you. You pray about it too and I trust everything will work out in the end. Good luck and keep me posted.

Posted by BlessedinMN on Feb 07, 2014 at 6:57pm

I am impressed that you have had the courage to raise this here. But I am I am even more impressed at your daughter’s composure. You must be a very level headed person to have raised your daughter to be so grown up.

I have no advice for you.

What ever you decide will be perfect because your intent is so dignified and authentic.

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Mar 09, 2014 at 1:22pm

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