New member - Need to vent a bit
Hi everybody. I’m a new member here, and I’d like to unload a little bit of baggage that I’m lugging around… Long post incoming:
Little bit about me: I’m 30 years old, diagnosed about 4 years ago. I currently work full time, and I’ve been married for 7 years.
My issues: Ohhh boy, where do I start? I suspected I had “something else” wrong with me a few years back. My marriage has been a very happy one, spaced out with fights and arguments about the same things over and over again, happening about once or twice a year. I can’t organize things, I can’t remember to do things I need to do, I put things off to the last minute, I have no idea what my finances are, etc etc etc. I would always make my best effort to make things better, and I would always end up back-sliding. I would get frustrated because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t fix my issues when I really wanted to, and my wife got frustrated because it seemed like I really didn’t care enough to fix things, and she got tired of feeling like a mother instead of a wife.
After one big blow up, I thought about underlying issues, and I read up about ADHD. Everything I read about it felt like “Holy crap, are they writing about me?” I went to 2 different doctors and a specialist who all agreed I had textbook case of ADHD, and started me on medications.
I felt so optimistic at first because I had nailed down something that was holding me back from living up to my full potential. Then I went through several different medications, and was unable to find something that worked for me. I would see/feel a difference for the first little while, but then after a week or two, it felt like they stopped working. My doctor switched me around to several medications before I gave up and stopped trying them. So I went along for a couple years unmedicated, and trying to use reminders on my phone to keep me on track. The problem is when I forget to use my phone (ooops).
My wife is very sensitive to the fact that I have this problem, but we’re both reaching the end of our rope. Right now I’m waiting on a referral to another specialist and hopefully try another round of medications to see if something will click. In the meantime, I just feel frustrated with myself.
My main distraction is video games. I get bored watching TV, and if I have a choice of what to do when there’s downtime, on goes the Xbox. When I’m playing, I lose track of time, and I have a very tough time noticing what’s going on around me. I get in “the zone” and it’s tough to break out of it. I really wish I could get that kind of focus on the important things in my life, but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t have any other hobbies that grab my attention the same way. It’s gotten to the point where I have to actually put my console away during the week to try and keep the temptation out of my head.
My work life is ok for the most part, but I still have ADHD related issues. I work in the security field, so I have a lot of variety and stimulation, which keeps me interested in what I’m doing. The downside is, I very quickly forget people’s names or what somebody looks like. I also get severe anxiety when trying to do clerical tasks that require a lot of organization.
Where I’m at now: Feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I’ve read some ADHD books that suggest finding what you’re good at, and focusing on those things. The problem I have is, I can’t find anything useful I’m good at. I’m waiting to see a specialist to try and get me on a medication that will help, but I don’t feel any optimism. I also worry about my marriage. My wife is my soul mate and we’ve gone through a lot together, but I worry about things falling apart if I can’t get my life together. I’m hoping that a combination of medication and support (Hi ADDConnect!) can help me get things on track, but I’m still feeling pretty pessimistic for the future.
I want things to get better, so here’s hoping.
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