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I am a 73 year old women recently married for the first time.  Finding it hard as husband does not understand or want to understand what happens when you have ADD, Depression, Anxiety, all which has increased since marriage 2 years ago.  I had never married and he was married over 50 years.  I made most adjustments, but it is hard when he doesn’t understand why I take meds and have ADD problems.  Is this the group for me???  Would sure like to share and learn from others how they get by day to day.

Replies

This is a perfect place to find kindred spirits. Welcome aboard.
In this new relationship you may find he will never totally understand. You will need to forgive him for this and focus attention on the good things about him.
For you it is important to take care of yourself. If you need meds just take them without a lot of explanation. I gather you have already done that so there’s no point in more explaining.
He needs to do some things on his own. You need to do some things on your own. The things you enjoy doing together should be confined to things you enjoy or must do.
And in these sorts of situations a smile can be more effective than words.

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Aug 21, 2014 at 1:50pm

Thank you for the kind words.  I’m trying hard to, at least, appear happy until it happens. 

It’s a challenge to get out on my own as he doesn’t want me to go out by myself.  Always wants to be with me.  It seems his 1st wife did some things he didn’t like and I am experiencing the “controlling Man” that came out of that marriage.  At any rate, I have managed to get away for a few hours about every 2 weeks.  He won’t spend money on foolishness like entertainment and going out, so all we do together is sit and watch tv.  When I try to talk to him, he can’t hear me as he won’t use his
$4,000 hearing aids.  Also won’t go in to have them adjusted.  I finally told him, I was through shouting at him and repeating.  If he can’t hear me it’s his problem as he could easily do something about it.

Don’t feel you have to respond.  I don’t want to be a bother.  It’s just so nice to have a place to go where others understand.  Some situations you just have to figure a way to live with.  Best Regards, Marianne

Posted by mosky1941 on Aug 21, 2014 at 5:47pm

No worries, Marianne. The posts are slow to appear and it’s common to see repeats. I’ve done this many times. No one minds this so you need not be concerned.

I see that by the hearing aid issue you already realize that he is responsible for communicating to you and you are drawing the line. Good for you.

I am impressed that he relies on you so much. Perhaps it’s not control but need. He values you more than you realize and more than he may care to admit. I sense that you an oasis of calm for him. Think of him as a nervous young man, a little uncertain, a bit of a bull in a china shop. You need to be patient.

And you are the opposite of a bother. Post as often as you like. Authenticity is more of a blessing than anything else.

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Aug 22, 2014 at 2:23am

Just a quick than you note.  Your recent words helped me a lot.  Working on Relationship and understanding his needs as apposed to control issues.  Is it ok if I recommend this website to two friends who also suffer from ADD???

Posted by mosky1941 on Aug 23, 2014 at 4:04pm

This website is open to everyone @mosky1941.

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mom to Tween Boy with ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Aug 25, 2014 at 1:14pm

I seem to be coping much better just knowing that I have access to this website.  I am on a lot of meds for ADD, Depression, panic and anxiety, acid reflex, pain and often wonder if this could be effecting my energy level.

I don’t function without the meds, but sometimes I feel so worn out even they don’t help.  I entered all of the meds in a RX conflict study site and there were no side affects listed for the combination I take.  Any comments on this would be appreciated.  I have tried several times to reduce or go off the meds, with the result of my becoming a non-functional person.

Posted by mosky1941 on Aug 27, 2014 at 7:20pm

Hi there, mosky!

I am a 68 yr-old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD only four months ago!  Now I understand who I was all those years and also why I have been depressed since I was a child.

I would strongly recommend having some outside support if possible.  I have been seeing a cognitive-behavioural therapist and she really helps.  For some, a spiritual advisor helps.

Also I have read Delivered from Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey.  Their first “top tip for adult ADD” is “Marry the right person: someone who loves you for who you are” (p 308).

I would suggest that you also read this book (as it was wonderful) and see if your hubbie would be interested in reading some bits of it so he will understand you better.  It would also give you a basis for discussions (however short).

Don’t be discouraged - he is not the “wrong person” - he just needs some help to become the right one!

Also, I find humour helps.  If I do a clumsy thing, forget something, etc. I call it one of my “ADD moments” with a smile/chuckle.

And lastly, if you are a country music fan, I just found out that Michelle Wright has ADHD!!  She mentions it publicly on stage.  So it means that the rest of us addult ADHDers can come out of our closets (our cluttered ones - LOL)!

Good luck!  Stick with the meds if they help!
Marilyn

Posted by agoldencomet on Sep 09, 2014 at 3:08pm

It is great to hear about someone else who was diagnosed late in life.  I am 69 & was diagnosed with ADD & LD in April.  I also have hearing loss from measles as an infant.  Not only was school very difficult for me, there were a lot of communication problems in my 50 year marriage.  Had just found out about ADD shortly before my husband died of cancer.  If I had only known.  Was treated for depression for 30 years!

Posted by loeysmall@aol.Com on Sep 18, 2014 at 3:35am

Marilyn:  Thank you for suggesting a new book to read.  Books have always helped me in times of crisis.  I just saw your reply and am sorry I have been so involved with my own hopeless feelings that I haven’t checked in until now. 

I have resorted to to self inflicted pain which allows me control of at least how much I can tolerate.  Because of my age I’m afraid to go back to this way of coping. 

I don’t plan on acting on this impulse but can’t seem to get it out of my mind.

I keep thinking that if I do it is just a way of giving him even more control over me.

I’ll keep checking in.  Hop to hear more from you.  Mosky

Posted by mosky1941 on Oct 07, 2014 at 4:12am

Self-harm is common in women with ADHD: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10237.html. You need to find better coping mechanisms though. I strongly encourage you to visit your doctor or therapist to get some help.

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on ADHD, and Mom to Pre-Teen Boy w/ ADHD and LDs

Posted by adhdmomma on Oct 07, 2014 at 5:00pm

Thank you.  I have gone to several Mental Health Drs. Therapists, etc since 1980.  I have struggled with this particular problem since I was about 12 years old.  During stressful periods it gets much worse.  As of now I have not acted on impulse since 2006, but lately have been fighting it off with the knowledge that I’m to old to continue the activity as don’t want to cause myself serious harm or death.  Also, have been telling myself this is an impulse and I can hold it off until my mind is on something else.  So far so good.  You say others have fought this type of behavior.  I always thought I was the only one.

Posted by mosky1941 on Oct 09, 2014 at 9:07pm

Hi Mosky,
There are legions of us on your side.
For you here there is nothing but good will and support.
Welcome home.
John

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Oct 09, 2014 at 11:24pm

Thank you.  I just got the book Delivered From Distraction suggested by Marylyn.  Plan to start reading it this weekend.  Appreciate all the support.  Marianne

Posted by mosky1941 on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:45pm

It is my favorite book about ADHD.

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Oct 10, 2014 at 9:13pm

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