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I posted a topic here on Monday but it for some reason has been deleted or moved. So, for all that replied, thanks for all your kind words.
Being 46 and diagnosed a year ago with ADD, I am
going thru a grieving process for all “wrong turns” I made in life. I feel like i’m on eggshells not knowing if i’m acting, saying, thinking the right thing or not. I guess it’s part of growing. I am going to talk to a therapist so I can
ask all my questions and be on the right track.

Thanks B.

Replies

Sorry to hear about the loss of your thread.  Let me say one thing:  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  OK, two things:  I was in your exact spot two years ago, and you are making some very good choices now, in my opinion.

Female and 60

Posted by Sherry BK on Apr 18, 2014 at 9:26pm

Sorry the thread was moved but the good wishes will never be entirely lost.

Perhaps the most difficult thing is to be kind to yourself. The shadows of things past may never be entirely gone but the patina of time will makes things easier and easier.

Grieving over things lost probably needs to run its course.

Posted by John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach on Apr 18, 2014 at 10:06pm

Hi B

I agree with the grieving process.  It is appropriate to grieve what could have been.  I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 49 (will be 51 in June).  I spent a lot of time grieving what could have been and now have gratefully moved into acceptance and a deeper understanding of why I did all the things I did and who I really am.

I am grateful for all the support I have had the last 2 years and for treatment (meds and neurofeedback) for giving me a solid foundation for the first time in my life.

Good luck to you as you venture forward on your road to healing and wholeness.

Mitzi

Posted by Mitzi Maine on Apr 19, 2014 at 12:57am

I think grieving is normal and healthy.  I think learning to understand ADD and how it affects you is a journey.  Finding people I trust to bounce things off of has been helpful for me.

Posted by whizinc on Apr 19, 2014 at 2:50am

Grieving the past is understandable. Living in the past is not.  The thing to remember about the past is that you cannot go back and change it.  Learn from it if that will help; otherwise, just leave it there.

Sometimes it seems as though the whole world knows something that we do not know…  I went back to basics when my kids showed signs of going through the same problems.  In working with them, I developed skills that are still serving me well…  I am now 67. 

I live well with my ADD because I live a real life and place no unrealistic goals in front of me.  If a project is going to be more than I can handle, I ask for help.  Why do we ADDers have such a hard time with that?  There is usually a spouse, sibling, cousin, or good friend that can help us.  All we need to do is ask. 

Find the tools you need.  Learn how to use them effectively.  Use them “religiously” meaning all the time without fail or understand the guilt that results when you do not do them in that way.  The biggest thing is to learn to forgive yourself for your imperfections.  Nobody in this world is perfect.  Any claims for such are overblown and outright lies. 

“Tools” take various forms.  For me the tools of choice are a paper-based planner; a smartphone, an Android tablet, and a laptop computer.  Other tools I use are my bank’s online billpay system.  A wall calendar that is huge so that the entire family’s scheduled things are on there.  Evernote on my phone, tablet, and the laptop is a huge help!  I have PIM software on the computer to manage my calendar, addressbook, and “to do” items.  I have a loveable “nag” in my husband.  My kids can “nag” me when the need arises, too. 

You will have some work to do as you make the needed changes.  You will need to start taking good care of you so that you can do well with what you are learning in therapy and from other sources.

Understanding YOUR situation goes a long way toward finding better and best ways to do things that are effective for you.  What works for me may not work at all for you, so select tools and methods based on your life as it is now and change things when the need arises.

Remember that you are not alone with this.  All of us here had to figure these things out.  If possible, find a local ADD support group to help you along on your journey.

Posted by Dianne in the Desert on Apr 19, 2014 at 3:49am

Thanks to everyone for their words of encouragement.
Finding friends to help through the process is key but difficult. Most people dont want to be honest and tell you your missteps that they saw but you had no clue.
I’m not trying to fix the past but i’m trying to take a glance back so i can make the right steps in the future.
Like i said in a previous post, I’m a professional musician
and your Social skills are hugely key in your success and failure and we all know what ADHD can do to social skills.

Posted by bforeal on Apr 22, 2014 at 8:08pm

I know I’m in the vast majority when I say that I went through the same epiphany when I was diagnosed. I’m 59, and in 1996 I was diagnosed with clinical depression; dysthymia, which is a low-grade, chronic form of depression. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that, a lot of different doctors and therapists and a lot of medicine changes and combos. I thought I kinda had it under control, and then two years ago, after a really ugly screaming and crying battle with my daughter and a trip to the ER (nothing physical. We were so worked up we both had to see someone about it.) Well, a very smart therapist came in to see me, and she picked up on it immediately. Once I took my jaw off my chin, because she knew me better than I knew myself it seemed, she told me to get myself tested. I did. I have ADD. It answered a lot of questions about my life.

I’m lucky, I have a really good psychiatrist. She prescribed the right medication for me, and it made an amazing difference. The problem is, I struggle with the same issues as you. So many of the stupid things I’ve done in my life I can now attribute in great part to ADD. Who knows how long it’s affected me. Likely all my life. I don’t know how many times my report cards said “He’s very capable, but he needs to apply himself more.” 

Anyway, the point of all this jibber-jabber is that I, too, have the ghosts haunting me, and the demons of a lifetime of bad habits that I need to really focus on in order to overcome. It’s difficult, but it’s like eating an elephant. One bite at a time.

Posted by Addnjguy on Apr 29, 2014 at 6:02am

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