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No Dating for Single Mom until 2018!

My son was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD at age 5. He will be 15 in 2 months. His father and I divorced in 2005. I left the 10 1/2 year marriage because of verbal abuse. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape. Over the years I put all my energy into parenting my son, I am the primary parent. I also started a business that would give me flexibility. I was a teacher before I stayed home with our son. I did not want to go back into the classroom because I thought if I disciplined all day what was I going to have left over for my own child.  My son had much counseling and medicine from age 5 until age 12. In 2008,  I had to close my business due to the economy. In 2009 I went into another business with a family member that took a lot of my time, at times 12-14 hour days in the beginning.(I sold my portion of the business this past March and decided to go back to teaching. I am currently pursuing a full time position.)  My son was entering middle school at that point. So many changes. He was not getting counseling or medication. I was trying to put food on the table etc. his father has never been supportive of the therapist and medicine process. My son’s father was always traveling for business and I never got a break. I had never dated until the summer of 2012. I did not introduce my son to this man until April of this year. My son’s behavior and disrespect was more than my boyfriend could handle. I am now single and so heartbroken. I have now enrolled my son in an Anger Management Program for Teens and ordered the Total Transformation series. Not sure about putting him back on medication? So, my situation is… I won’t probably date until my son goes off to college in 3 1/2 years. Are there any other single mothers that have tried to have a relationship and made it work? I am so distraught… I feel so alone….

Replies

You are not alone.  ADHD with ODD is difficult at the best of times.  Trying to bring in a boyfriend in to your life, plus deal with ex-husbands, teachers and well-meaning friends make it extra challenging.

Did he respond well to medicine in the past? While there are many things you can do (therapy etc.), my understanding from the experts is that medicine is the #1 way to treat ADHD.  This is not to diminish other treatments,  but medicine is very effective.  You might want to try it again.

There is a great YouTube video by Dr. Russell Barkley called “Essential Ideas for Parents”.  I recommend you watch it.

Finally - don’t get discouraged.  It won’t help you, your son or your relationships.  Of course, this is easier said than done - but anger and resentment only feed the fire. Look for those moments in the day that are positive. Compliment you son when he does something right, even if it’s a little thing.  Develop the love you have for him into something special. And try to keep moving forward.

Hope this helps. Take care of yourself.

Posted by staypositive on Dec 07, 2013 at 7:47pm

I have a 13 year old 8th grader. I’ve been his only parent almost from the beginning. I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing stuck. Since then, both my son and later me were both diagnosed with ADHD. Given my sons age, his progression in school and how very vital it is that he do well in school now to ensure he has a future in college, I do not feel that a) I have the patience to deal with having to do the drama of a relationship, and b) take the focus off of my son at a point in his life where he needs it the very most. So no, I’m not even going to consider dating until my son is secure in college.

Posted by adhdmom2000 on Dec 08, 2013 at 8:32am

Unfortunately I think there are a lot of us single parents out there that have to deal with staying single. I have been that way since I left my husband in 2005. I just haven’t found anyone who can “understand” or have the patience that I as a mom have to have with my son. I do wish you good luck, but for me, I know it won’t be for at least another 6 years before I will even look for someone.

Posted by jsmom3 on Dec 13, 2013 at 10:54pm

I think that what you have expressed is exactly how I feel.  My daughter needs all the help I can give her, and juggling a new person into the mix is just beyond the scope of this project.  I just don’t see how it’s even possible.  So what do you do as a way of having a break in the relentless pressure?  What would you say is your downtime?  Exercise?  Sleeping?  Alcohol? TV? Talking on the phone with family or friends?  Or maybe browsing the web and reading posts and blogs from people going through the same thing??  lol ...It seems to help ME get through the day, anyway.  Is that also how the rest of you cope with the constant stress?

Posted by hitwcidb on Dec 13, 2013 at 11:02pm

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