I have an ADHD 11 year old son and you have just described his behavior exactly.

The only thing that seems to get through to him about accepting consequences for his action (which he adamently will not) is if I share an extreme story about someone making a bad choice and what happened to them.  (A real world story)
Consequences always leads to more consequences in my house.  My son lies constantly too to avoid consequences.  I know how you feel.  It is so frustrating to watch your child struggle and fail and not be able to teach him and make him learn from his mistakes.  Pretty much what a parent is supposed to do.

I read a response earlier on this web site about how ADHD children have to be disciplined differently.  And what may be bad behavior for other children might actually be a little progress for our children. 
I’m not real consistent with the praise since I’m always having to deal with some mess up but this advice was an eye opener.  I hope that gives you hope.
Does he act out at school?  My son is a different person at school.  He follows all the rules and doesn’t cause any trouble there.
He also is worse when he is off meds.
Sorry not very helpful since I’m kinda going through it myself.  If anything you know that you are not alone.

Is it possible the teacher’s wrong? Sometimes kids are targeted because they are usually the ones doing something wrong. When they’re not, they’re often just blamed anyway. Happened to my son frequently. Not saying she’s wrong - just saying maybe your son has his own side to the story and wants to feel like you love him. Sometimes just sitting down and having a heart-to-heart can clear up frustrations, whatever they may be.

Maybe you could sit him down and hear his side of the story.  ADHDers are very impulsive, and I know my daughter often feels stupid (even though she’s very bright) and doubts herself so much that she can get tempted to look at another answer because she’s almost certain hers are all wrong.  Of course she knows it’s wrong, of course she feels badly afterwards.  But these kids see things differently.  Doesn’t mean it’s right, and doesn’t mean they are allowed to escape rules.  Just means they think differently.  Most don’t have the confidence that non-ADHDers have.  It means WE have to deal with them differently.

She brought home a 4 page math test with only 2 wrong today - yet the teacher said she doubted herself the entire time. 

Try the understanding route - and instead of punishing him maybe ask him if he feels that he can’t do well.  Tell him cheating is not the answer but you will find a way to give him more confidence so that he doesn’t have to look at anyone else’s answers.

There is a thread somewhere on here from a 16 year old girl who offered to answer all our questions.  It’s very informative and she really opened my eyes.  Maybe you can find it.  Not sure what it’s called but it helped tremendously in helping me understand my daughter and work with her more efficiently.

He does have his side of the story. He was told he couldn’t use the book for help, but instead he tried using a study sheet. When confronted, they asked him if he was cheating and he hung his head and said yeah…So right there he admitted it. Without thinking he could have had a case and said that nothing was said about the study sheet. I feel that cornering him like that makes him more vulnerable to say what they want him to say.

Needless to say, that he was told no he couldnt use help regardless of what that was…

We are the first to come to his aid. We have alot of issues with school so much that I thought about pulling him and homeschooling. There are times he and we think he is targeted. Sure….but of course the school insists they are not.

It’s not about the punishment really, it’s about understand why he can’t do something….this is ALL the time when we say no to something. This was an extreme meltdown, very few, but still has tantrums. It took him a good two hours to finally calm down…

Poor kid. If he needs the book or his notes in order to pass a test, does he need more help with schoolwork? I don’t know if he has an IEP, but some children get untimed tests or resource room time written into their IEP (does the teacher have an opinion on this?). Maybe he needs a more structured (or longer) homework period every night. Is someone working with him every night on his homework, or maybe a sweet high school kid could help him every afternoon to take the burden off you? It sounds like he feels the whole thing is unfair, and noone is on his side. Show him you love him no matter what! And make sure he’s got enough outside support to be successful academically. It will do wonders for his self esteem.

Honestly, I don’t think you can avoid these kinds of meltdowns.  My 10yo is the same when he is getting punished for something.  There are typically 2 things I do when he is melting down:

1. I don’t engage in the arguement.  I stay very calm.  I say what the reason for the punishment is.  I don’t argue about whether it is right or wrong.  I find that the more I engage, the more he digs his heels in and fights.  So I don’t engage and I will say “I am not having this conversation with you like this.  If you want to discuss it, come find me when you are ready.”

2. the other thing I do is to offer him a way to earn it back.  then that puts the result back on him.  For example, in your case, get a copy of the test - and verbally ask him the questions with him sitting in front of you….no books, etc.  Have him take the test with you.  Another options is for him to pick an alterantive punishment.  It has to be equal in scale to the current punishment.  A lot of times I will have him choose his own punishment.  I typically have to scale back his choice because he tends to be VERY hard on himself.

No, you can’t avoid meltdowns. But it sounds like the original poster’s saying they’ve got a lot of issues with school, wanting to homeschool because its so bad, son possibly being targeted. Severe school issues will worsen behavior because the kid’s upset. I’m saying perhaps she can help her son be more successful at school with extra homework time, and talk to the teacher, and show some extra emotional support.

Just a random thought….is it possible your son didn’t understand that what he did was cheating and that’s why he said that he didn’t do it? You didn’t describe the circumstances of the situation.

I have read that it is very hard for children with ADHD to accept punishments (especially prolonged ones) when they can’t see a way out or way to correct what they’ve done wrong. Perhaps letting him “right his wrong” some how in the future would assist him in being able to deal with a punishment better, but would still help him to learn the lesson you are wanting to teach him. Just a thought. I sympathize though. ADHD meltdowns are hard to deal with! From what I’ve been told….you can’t always avoid them….though that doesn’t really stop me from trying!

Is there a reason he is off his medication? My son is only 8 years old but he does tell what I call “whoppers.” Part of it is because children with ADHD often have low self-esteem. He may or may not be lying but I agree that you should hear him out. He knows your angry as any parent would be so he probably doesn’t want to disappoint you so he might feel that telling the truth would be worse than lying. I also agree with someone else that stated that long term punishments often times make things worse. If he is old enough community service perhaps for the teacher or the school would be a better way for him to learn from his mistake. You should also find out why he cheated. That is important so that you and he can deal with that issue. Meltdowns are going to happen. My son still has them but they are getting better. He knows he has consequences (I don’t call them punishments) but he also gets rewards.