Couples With One ADHD Partner
Realizing things will never change
I really need some help and guidance right now. Living with boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He is 45, was diagnosed with ADHD (hyper & impulse) about 5 years ago and until 2 weeks ago, he didn’t know anything about it other than taking 2 adderalls every day. For months I have been reading countless books, been on forums such as this, constantly searching the web for more information but it took WWIII to happen in our house 2 weeks ago for him to finally start listening to the audiobook “driven to distraction”, a book I’ve read about 6 times. Hoping he would understand not only his ADHD but also how it impacts the people around him. Last night I found out that listening to this book has only made him more selfish and attacking because after he said “you just don’t understand me at all and you never have”; i broke down in tears thinking how on earth could he even think that when for over 3 months i have done nothing but put all of my time and energy into educating myself on his ADHD so to better understand him and learn tips etc., that i feel like a walking encyclopedia. So all of that hard work and effort didn’t do any good and now I see that he doesn’t even appreciate having a partner go above and beyond (without anyone telling me to) to educate myself because thats how much i love him and want to help and support him. Oh and did i mention i also found an adhd life coach for him? I did that too and the life coach said to me “i hope *stan* truly appreciates you and sees how lucky he is to have such a loving and supportive partner”. One would think, right? Last night i was blamed for everything but the Cold War; screamed at me to “go read that book again and maybe you’ll finally understand how my mind works because of my adhd”. I calmly reminded him that having adhd is not an excuse and deciding to love someone who has adhd doesn’t mean i also decide to become a robot and have no feelings or emotions about anything and that you will have the right to say and do whatever it is you want. I have gotten to the point now in saying “ok, you are free to say and do whatever you want but now you can deal with the consequences”. Because we all know that we have cried hysterically, begged and pleaded, at times punch a wall because you feel like you are losing your mind but none of that makes a difference. one of the books i read clearly states that until the consequence is big enough, the adhd person simply won’t budge. that was a hard pill to swallow because it’s the truth and i am now realizing that i only have one left thing to do that i haven’t done before and that is to put myself first and leave because at some point having a relationship with someone who has adhd becomes abusive, mentally, emotionally, verbally, whatever you want to call it. i feel downright abused, taken advantage of and i can’t be the proverbial punching bag anymore (i don’t mean he has ever hit me because he hasn’t). another pill i have to swallow is biting my tongue and acting normal when his 14 yr old daughter is with us. i’m sorry but that is not my problem, you don’t get to treat me this way and then ORDER me that i have to put on a happy face for your child. all that does is push me out the door faster because at 35 yrs old, no one is going to force me to behave the way they want when my world is crumbling, i’m losing my mind and my heart is shattered.
so anyone else out there in my boat? can anyone please give me some advise and guidance? i have already started to look at condos/townhouses.
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