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Relationship with ADHD Partner for 9 years

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9 years in Relationship with ADHD partner
Posted by Petalouda on Oct 29, 2013 at 8:39am  


ive recently split from my partner of 2 years. i have 2 children with him. he was diagnosed with ADHD in childhood, i knew this but only since splitting up have a actually looked into what it means.

i think it explains alot of the problems we have been having. he talks, alot, i feel the only part i play in conversations is to listen.

it seems he learned early in childhood that if he could get people to feel sorry for him he could get his own way.

unfortunately i learned in my childhood that everything that goes wrong is my fault.

i feel really stupid that i didnt look into ADHD before, i really didnt realise it has quite the major effect on relationships that it does. he loses his temper, shouts and swears obscenities at me, if we are in a public place he seems to enjoy shouting at me in front of an audience. will often shout lies eg that i batter him black and blue, that i am a slag, its all lies to humiliate me, im so dumbfounded when he starts. i have resorted to just sticking my fingers in my ears. if i cant hear it, it cant affect me.

i spoke to his mother about it for the first time last night her response was €œhe has always been highly strung, he used to smash up my house when he was a kid, its just the way he is € he hasnt been on any medication or done anything to manage the condition in the 9 years i have known him. except smoke weed heavily. i have kicked him out many many times over the years but i always end up feeling sorry for him and taking him back, i dont want to do that this time. i still need to have contact with him so he can see our children. can anybody recommend any resources so i can fully understand what behaviours are caused by adhd and how i can handle him?

Replies

Dog training. I hate to say it but the more I treat my husband and daughter the way dog trainers train dogs the more they respond. Of course it’s not exactly the same. But the basic principal is to have immediate consequences and to stay calm.

There is nothing you can do for him. Untreated and badly managed ADD are just impossible to live with in any reasonable way. You have already figured that out!  But you do need to protect yourself and your children.

So you need to sit down and decide what are your deal breakers. Take his yelling in public for instance. You have a conversation with him when he’s not in full blown ADD brain and you tell him that’s not acceptable and if he does it again you will leave. So like if he does start to yell you give him a warning. Would you please stop. If you continue I will have to leave. If he doesn’t follow through. Even if you have to leave him there or take the bus or whatever you remove yourself from the situation immediately. There is no other way. You can’t reason with the unreasonable and an ADD brain in full blown chaos is totally unreasonable.

Read Dr Amen and Dr Hallowell for more information on ADD and other ideas. But at the very least don’t key yourself be yelled at or let your children see him yelling at you. It will make them hate him whether they realize it or not and them they’ll act out.

Posted by YellaRyan on Oct 29, 2013 at 7:58pm

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