Couples With One ADHD Partner
Sex and ADHD
This is a long post, so I will try to get right to the point. I have been married for 16 years, diagnosed for one year.
My wife and I have had little in terms of a mutually satisfying sex life for many years. Intercourse frightens my wife, due to some earlier traumas, some at my hand. I used to think she was just very picky and did not care for my technique, or maybe used sex, or its lack, as a way to control my often erratic or simply ADD-like behaviors and negative attitudes.
But, now I see we are really on very different wavelengths when it comes to our sexualities. She, not ADHD, is very positive about her life and work, and has many outlets for herself socially and sex is not that critical to her happiness. She looks for the good that we have together and states encouragingly that maybe her sexuality will return, who knows?
I am less positive and get down on myself for not having more friends and a more fulfilling work life. I get very hyperfocused on the whole sex issue, perhaps to distract myself, almost like trying to put all my eggs in one basket!
This drives me to have regular angry outbursts with her over a variety of issues, not just sex. But, I feel sex is behind a lot of it. I think I suffer from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, as Dr. Dobson explains it on this website. I am even taking a new med he recommended to help with my emotional reactivity.
The years of trying to cajole or motivate my wife to be more sexually expressive and basically have the desire to have the desire to be sexual, has left me emotionally exhausted, and not such a wonderful and appealing partner, I am sure. In fact, the love needed to truly accept and be open to the marriage AS IT CURRENTLY IS remains a struggle.
I know my pride is hurt and look for sexual stimulation as a self-enhancement tool. When I get down about it, I really feel that sex is just a bridge too far for us anymore. But, I am getting a little better at not blaming her for our situation. I can see some of our blessings. And that we remain together is very important to me.
Just needed to vent, but also wanted your input as most of the reading I have done on sites like this describe the partner as wanting more intimacy and the ADD person being too distracted by video games or something to even remember their partner’s sexual needs.
This is not my case, and I actually wanted to ask anyone who has experienced this sense of bewilderment or rejection how they deal with it. I think my marriage is unique in that we have gone through so much together and have stuck it out.
Really I think that I am just coming to terms with the ups and downs of a long marriage, both in the sexual arena as well as in just getting along day to day…
But, rekindling our sex life would be great for me and I would hope, for my wife someday as well.
Thanks for reading!
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