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Steam

I’m feeling extremely angry with how my life is turning out. I’m so tired of hearing be an adult. Your season will come, just believe in The Lord! Just focus on your work instead of the noises my coworkers make. Stop being an pussy and letting them get into your head. Lise weight! Why aren’t you on this dating site. Save money, and go out more often. You need to call your doctor so you can talk! So what you didn’t get promoted for the fifth time. When life gives you lemons, just make lemon juice out of it! God loves you and stop complaining! So what you aren’t getting any calls or email back, for jobs you applied for. Why is it, no matter what job or place you go you always have issues with people! Why didn’t you stick to graphic design? I’m so angry and nothing is working out for me. I even started taking meds and they don’t work! I wouldn’t hurt myself or anyone else but there are some days I want to go into a room and smash everything! I didn’t feel this much rage when I was younger but I’m 28 and I’ve had add since I was in 1st grade. I’m losing control everyday and I feel like such an disappointment to my family! I can’t seem to find my faith, find myself and I’m just angry all the time!  Really don’t know what to do! Any suggestions you all offer will be most welcomed!

Replies

Hi Jjingram.  I don’t feel qualified to address everything you have said, but here’s a few things that came to mind.  It seems like a lot of your frustration is from unmet expectations.  You may want to examine those expectations with a trusted friend or an experienced ADD counselor.  The goal of the conversation would be to figure out are reasonable expectations, and what are unreasonable expectations for someone with ADD.  Wanting to get out from all those expectations at once is setting yourself up for failure. 

I had a very similar conversation with my brother yesterday, who has very similar frustrations.  His choices have left him in a not so happy place.  I have learned that I can not fix it and he has to do that.  I love him and my parents love him.  It has taken a while for them to get to the place of accepting that his choices have dictated a life that they wouldn’t have chosen.  All the same, they do what they can for him and he is grateful.

From your wording I’m going to assume you are a Christian.  While the platitudes don’t help, it doesn’t change the fact that God is real.  He may call you to live a very different life than expected.  Are you willing?  That’s such a big question.  I am an ADD Mom.  I have struggled with faith stuff, ADD stuff, relationship stuff, work stuff…  Those downward spirals are no fun.  God is still there.  His promises are no less real.  It’s just much harder to see Him anywhere. 

So, what can you do?  It’s the answer that I hate to get, but it is true.  Everyone has to figure it out for themselves.  My suggestions are to do what gets you healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Eat good food.  Get the right amount of sleep.  When you’re angry, can you go for a long bike ride or run?  Read some Bible every day, with only the expectation that God is able to lead, guide and encourage.  See what He does.  Pick one thing to work on and see where that takes you.  Can you volunteer somewhere, doing something you enjoy, that gets your focus on other people?  Can you allow friends and family to love you when you feel unlovable?

A lot of the things that are frustrating you are really common frustrations for ADHD’ers.  Many of us are very sensitive.  We often have issues with other people.  We struggle to fit in at work, even when it is not ADHD friendly.

My brother and son both had ADHD diagnosis that were changed to Aspergers.  Many ADHD’ers have something else too.  So if ADHD doesn’t explain all the problems, you may want to continue looking.

My Mom heart wishes I could wave a wand and make it all better.  But I can’t, so I prayed for you, which is better anyway.  God is more capable than me.  =)

Posted by whizinc on Jul 18, 2014 at 4:48am

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, I also relate. You are not a failure, you are loved. But you could love you more too. I would suggest you deal with on,y one thing at a time, find an ADHD support group or go to a ADHD knowledgable coach or counselor. You will never disappoint your family they love you, see if they can help you get outside support. Sleep, diet and meditation are very helpful too. Use you spirituality as a tool and stop beating you up please.

Posted by Deborah on Jul 18, 2014 at 6:42am

I can relate to most of what you said too. ADHD so cringing complicated. people who don’t have it rarely understand what we go through. find a support group to talk to. Doctor shop, find a good one, a psych or a really good GP. try to stay close to nature and the outdoors. Animals are therapeutic, people suck. Good people are hard for us to find. when you find one hang on to them tight. To hell with the rest of them. Remember you have a good heart and be live in who you are. We are superior in emotional sensitivity and that scares “normals” we think differently, not bad, not retarded, just different. Hold your head up, and spirituality has nothing to do with religion.

Posted by ADHDDad1 on Jul 19, 2014 at 3:57am

Thank you all so much! Yesterday in the office with my new coworker, I just felt bad for the girl because she is following orders from my other coworkers to do the stuff I find annoying and it was sad because this girl didn’t think to let herself get to know me, instead of listening to what the others say. Yet, at this point I should be use to people following behind others in terms of judging for their selves how I am! Don’t get me wrong I can be cold and confusing but it does effect me that no matter where I go I always have issues!

Sure I’m getting angry at stuff that normal people wouldn’t get upset about, but I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I’m not really a normal person. I’m still getting use to the fact that yes I’m getting older and the usual converting methods to get me through the making fun of me or whatever else isn’t working and I feel as though all the hard work I’ve done along with my mom and family to sort let me feel normal and get by is unravelling!

Last night I went to speak with my therapist and I was telling him about my extreme angry I’ve been feeling, in addition to other feelings. After all of what I was said he looks at me and says that the world isn’t going to change for you! You have to change for the world, which put me into defense mode! This morning I still feel this way but I felt that why should I change for those “normal” f_ing dummies! I told him that as well and he said it again and again which brought my anger up more! To me I’ve been trying to please everyone else in trying to get along with others despite my desire to tell people at time f_ off or some other choicely words or I act like what they do to me doesn’t bother me! I’m having a hard changing! Yet I ask myself ” what am I to Chang to”?

Posted by Jjingram on Jul 19, 2014 at 12:12pm

The replies on this thread have had some good suggestions such as aspergers instead or along with ADD. You don’t specify your sex but hormone issues can affect men as well as women but hormone issues wreak havoc. Anger is often related to depression.

And in the end, it doesn’t matter that much what the reason is. Life isn’t fair, stuff happens, nobody asked to be born with ADD, bipolar, autism, or with some more visible defect such as missing arms. SO DEAL WITH IT! What can not be cured must be endured.
Yes, do all you can to check out underlying issues such as hypothyroid, sex and adrenal hormone imbalances, clean up your diet, get exercise, check for food and chemical sensitivities as all the above help pretty much everyone feel better.

No matter what the cause, if coworkers have to follow you around finishing what you don’t like to do, you had best be pretty dang good at what you DO do to prevent resentment.
And I don’t care if you are in pain, you don’t have to BE a pain. Yeah, life isn’t fair. And if you don’t want to get wet when it’s raining, either stay inside or get an umbrella. No the world isn’t going to change because you want it to. Doesn’t matter if you are losing your temper and not doing work that others end up doing because you have ADD or because you were some hot shot in high school or college because of sports or appearance but nothing related to being of good character and think you deserve better. The net result is a bad tempered coworker who doesn’t do his/her share of the work.
So you do have issues everywhere you go, so do a lot more people than just those who have ADD. We aren’t born with a handbook for our lives or a user’s manual for our particular body. People have to learn how to have good relationships even if they have a balanced chemistry and body. Some of the most irritating people I’ve ever run into are bipolar. Talk about a bait and switch! beats hyperfocus wearing off hands down. The usual mode is give lots of attentive conversation and 2 way interactions into a new unsuspecting acquaintance, then do something extra special you think they will like and be in your debt for without letting them know the price is having to forever listen to the self absorbed outpouring of babble when manic and the la brea tar pit stuck in the malodorous ooze when the depression rolls in. It’s hard to use the relationship skills they CAN have when at the peaks and depths but in the middle they can learn. And all LOVE going off their meds as that high is so seductive.
I don’t care if it is their biochemistry, I don’t want to be manipulated with their pattern and have to endure the selfishness or the black hole. If they can’t do the work, get them into a spot they can or have them do something extra to make up for what gets dumped onto others who can do it.
In a lot of jobs where attention to detail is a safety issue, whether logging or brain surgery, being able to count on every person in the team to do his/her share of the job smoothly is vital. No place for prima donnas insisting on special treatment or having tantrums.
RIght now you sound way too much like a spoiled child having a tantrum. If your people skills suck, admit it and get a plan with your counselor on learning how to improve your skills. As is you are spewing stuff on others and they deserve better than putting up with a bad coworker.
I’ve worked with dogs, cats, horses, livestock and a bried expeirence with some exotic species such as parrots, monkeys, and zoo animals such as elephants, bears and through a marine mammal trainer, dolphins, sea lions and gray seals.
Animals don’t care what your problem is. They don’t care what your race, color, creed, sexual preference, social status, birth order or favorite color is. The only thing that matters is how you treat them. Myself, I think that’a a pretty good rule of thumb. Animals want you to be fair, reasonably predictable and communicate what you want from them well. Can your coworkers say this about you?
Quite probably I’ve pissed you off. Well tough love is often true love. And if you are pissed, can you admit to yourself that the one you really should be pissed at is yourself because this stuff is true? or you can be pissed at God. My own spiritual beliefs are that we are here to learn a lot of life lessons and a big one of those is accepting reality. I don’t like my ADD but I don’t blame the rest of the world for the times that my stuff creates a problem for others. I do what I can to prevent problems and clear them up when they do happen. Just like every adult with any maturity and responsibility should be doing normal or not. Being an alcoholic is no excuse for urinating on the floor because of being too drunk to find the bathroom. ADD is no excuse for being rude and not doing your fair share at work. If you DO have some mutually acceptable arrangement with coworkers so they do what you hate to do and you do something to compensate them, great. If instead you just don’t do stuff that is in your job description, and expect them to clean up after you, is this any different than urinating on the floor and expecting someone else to clean up your mess?
Quit whining, start counting your blessings, you have a job, a computer, a home, a counselor, a bed to sleep in, food to eat and probably about half the people on the planet with a lot less than you do would gladly trade places with you even with your ADD.
Put a rubber band on your wrist, one big enough that if you snap it it will sting. And every time you find yourself whining, snap it. The purpose is to bring to your awareness how much you are hurting yourself with your whining. I’m not saying don’t vent, its helpful to validate yourself, gee, I feel bad, I suck at getting along with people, I feel stupid, admit stuff like that, yeah, it stinks, if I can’t do anything about changing that, I better find some ways to make peace with it. The serenity prayer. But don’t wallow in it. If you repeat any of that stuff more than once a day, snap yourself hard enough to want to stop having to snap it.
This can be an effective way to truly snap out of it.

Posted by Gadfly on Jul 21, 2014 at 11:47pm

Thanks Gadfly! I go above and beyond in my job! I’ve never left my coworkers stuck with extra work! I’m the one cleaning up their mess cause they are too busy being ass holes! I don’t do stuff and say it’s my ADDing that made me do it and you forgive me! I’ve always wanted to deny even having ADD or ADHD because I didn’t want to be seen as different when reality, I’ve always been different and dance to my own music! Yes I am a female who is 28! FYI I’ve been working since I was 15, so I’ve always wanted to make my own way! Yes I agree I am having lots of tantrums but I also think it isn’t fair that I work my ass off at work but my personality isn’t enough to get promoted when I try really hard to get along with people but I never seem to since every f_ing time I turn around there’s someone who has an issue with me! Sure I’m overly sensitive but gosh! I have to play some “game” to seem like nothing bothers me! I’m just tried of always having issues with people! I’m tired of getting disrespected at work and management join in! So pretty much your saying it’s all my fault and suck it up! Yes I’m pissed reading your message because once again it’s me who is causing issues no one else, always me who gets in trouble! Yes I am a spoiled brat, but I work everyday and yes there are others worse off than me but gosh, I’m not allowed to feel indifferent to not being able to get along or understand stuff when I put out the effort! I’m not saying I’m a saint either and I realize I can be cold at times, but I have feelings and I try hard to get alone with people but whatever I do doesn’t seem to work! I’m just pissed that I have to change when I make efforts and there is never any positive result and I think why do I try!

Posted by Jjingram on Jul 22, 2014 at 10:20am

If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else. Those who are stuck in the loop of everyone else is an asshole and I’m so sweet and nice are doomed to stay in that loop. As long as you refuse to truly look at yourself you won’t be able to notice what you are doing that is either acting like a victim to bring on being bullied as you seem to be saying or if you truly are doing stuff others dislike so much they treat you poorly in return. Do you think it is coincidence that you just happen to always get jobs where you are treated badly? Bad bosses and coworkers? It couldn’t possibly be that you are not doing things in a way needed to get along better?
I’m saying there is some skill you haven’t learned and learning it will make your life easier. To gain that skill you will have to rationally observe what you are doing and not doing. If you are truly being bullied everywhere you work, it can indicate a victim persona like the geek who had a kick me sign stuck to his back. If you don’t know what signals you are sending, how will you change them?
Yep, I’m saying it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to take charge of how you interact with your coworkers and bosses. They may truly be all assholes so either find another job or deal with the fact you are stuck and find some stress coping skills. It sounds as if you’re saying every job you’ve had has been filled with assholes and bullies. Are you looking for the wrong sorts of jobs for your personality?
In any area of a life twice as long as yours, those who habitually blame everyone else are almost always wrong. There are still plenty of bigots who love to repress others due to gender, race, color or creed but you are stating that your ADD is the issue. Is it your ADD or your bitterness?
Until you take responsibility for the way others respond to you, you will remain trapped by yourself. The world will not change for you. If you want your situation in the world to change, change the way your respond to the world. That requires you take responsibility for your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It took me a long time to understand that as much as I hated to look at my faults as well as my strengths that it was impossible for me to go beyond the limitations. The very place I resisted looking the most was the place I NEEDED to go the most to get more of what I wanted.
If you prefer to wallow in the warm fuzzy feel good responses that enable you to continue victimizing yourself with your refusal to learn what you need to get what you want, that is your choice. Or you can suck up your courage, take a hard look at yourself and see where you need to change to get what you want. Unless of course what you really want is to wallow is an adrenaline rush as many ADD’ers thrive on. In which case any sort of soap opera drama that you can get pissed off over or wallow in self pity are sure fire ways to get a rush.
So the next time you look in the mirror, ask yourself if you truly want to stay stuck or are you willing to look honestly at yourself and find out what you have not yet learned to do to get what you want? Stay miserably stuck or learn how to be happy? Happiness doesn’t just ‘happen’ its earned by attitude as well as deed. Look at yourself and you may well see that you are holding tightly to the chains that hold you down. Or like the coyote yowling about the cactus he’s sitting on hurting his backside but too lazy to get off the cactus.

Posted by Gadfly on Jul 23, 2014 at 2:34pm

Thanks

Posted by Jjingram on Aug 15, 2014 at 4:10am

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