I would not accept the friendship. Anyone who put limits on not accepting both of my children is someone I do not want around my kids. My daughters friends parents accept my son for who he is ADHD and all.

Would you say this to the mom or just keep stringing her along whenever she asks for play dates (every time I see her)?

Not at all, would I tolerate this.  It’s because of people like this woman, that our kids have such a negative “stigma” attached.
That’s the last thing your son needs, or the rest of the family.  Deny play date requests, and find other kids and families to play with.
Get the book, All Dogs Have ADHD.  We read it every now and then, and have shared it with others often!

First of all, your son is only 7.  ADHD aside, 7 year old boys are silly and use “bathroom” humor.  This is perfectly normal.  Of course, I understand about the related social issues of ADHD (my son is now just 10 and it is getting a little bit better). 

But this other mother has to settle down.  I would avoid her as much as possible and, as others have said, bear in mind that this is how stereotypes and stigmas carry on.  If the opportunity should ever arise, I would somehow try to get the message out that it is NOT okay for her daughters to talk about your son as they do, that that is disrespectful and that if the mother has decided (however misguidedly) to not let her children play with your son, that is no reason to allow them to be so rude and hurtful. 

Good luck - this is never easy.  Hopefully others will recognize the rudeness and not hold it against your son.

As I’m reading your post again, I realize that I’m not sure if your ADHD son is 7 or older… It really doesn’t matter, though.  ADHD kids are usually at a younger maturity level than their years so the idea I said still holds true. 

If these folks are really your friends, as you indicate, they would be kinder.

That’s really sad! :( No, I would not try to grow the friendships of the younger two at all. Having to deal with that negativity and rejection of your older son will just be a huge stressor on you, your oldest, and your whole family. It’s not worth it nor right. . You can choose to let her know or just string her along as you mentioned. I don’t think it matters much either way. It just a personal preference.

We had a similar situation that has since blown over.

Our son, 6 at the time, pulled down his pants (outer only) in the school yard in front of a group of girls, one of whom is the daughter of a friend of ours.

ADHD or not, my son’s behaviour was inappropriate!!

I’m sorry, this really BUGS me. I know boys do silly things (his psychologist was not at all concerned about the incident, saying that kids do stuff like this) but it’s our job to teach them how to behave in society.

Sorry, that’s just my opinion. My son, ADHD diagnosed, is not allowed to use potty words, invade personal space or act inappropriately and gets punished when he does.

Anyway, the father of the girl asked that she and my son not spend any time together for awhile. Meanwhile her older sister continued to have playdates with my daughter.

I supported the ban fully. Kids copy each other, and learn from each other. This dad was simply trying to protect his daughter from behaviour he did not like.

Meanwhile, I EXPLAINED it to my son. THIS is why you can’t have play dates with her - because of YOUR actions. YOU choose your actions, and you choose your consequences. Period.

He learned, he changed, and now they’re great friends again, and her dad has changed his opinion about my son. He is now 8 and she is turning 7.

I’m sorry you guys… I know this is not a popular opinion, but ADHD is no excuse for our kids to have bad manners, like using potty words or invading personal space.

Fyi my son’s ADHD is combined type and considered SEVERE by his psychologist, and he is not medicated. In spite of this, he is capable of learning from consequences and changing his behaviour. We just have to stop taking this stuff personally, and start expecting more from our kids, who are capable of more when given the chance.

Worn out - I feel for you and I know you don’t want to hear this - but that mom has a right to protect her girls from influences that she doesn’t like. It’s not personal - she’s just protecting her kids. Your son, on the other hand, needs to learn from this so that he can better adapt to society as he gets older, and keep himself out of trouble.

Best of luck to you - I know it’s not easy.

I agree with OopsForgotAgain that this kind of behavior needs to have consequences and your son should be told that he needs to change his behaviors. However, I would not allow anyone to ostracize my son in such a public manner and would never tolerate any mother who thinks it’s appropriate behavior to tell her daughters to play with one child and not another child just because they are not always being appropriate. After all, our ADHD kids need good strong examples of good social behaviors and LOTS of practice to learn them. How is your son going to learn how to do that if he is isolated from his peers?

IMO, you allowing her daughters and herself to treat your son in that manner sends a clear message to your son that he is “second class” and that he should not be included in life. FORGET THAT! He needs help learning how to behave socially and isolation is not going to help him learn that. I am in favor of SUPERVISED and closely monitored play dates until he learns appropriate behaviors.

For the safety and well being on my son, who is 6, and the other children around him I do not allow him to have play dates unless I am around and can help him navigate social situations that he is unable to navigate on his own. That’s the way it has to be until he matures a little.

I have seen many “normal” children manipulate, be mean and have otherwise inappropriate behaviors that is part of learning and growing up.

Not right. That is awful and I would not tolerate this.

This is such a good life lesson for your son, though, in that his actions create reactions, and only he can control his actions. Life is full of judgmental people who overreact, and to protect himself from this he needs to learn to censor his behaviour.

Look at it this way - it’s about being victimized. If you blame the other mother for being judgmental, you are teaching your son to be victimized. However if you teach your son that his actions create reactions and that HE controls his actions, you are freeing him from victimization

Think about it, everyone - we can’t go through life blame other people for our problems. Worn out - don’t let this mom victimize you - take back your control

No, not acceptable to break up a family, picking and choosing which kids in the family can play with someone’s children while openly rejecting another child.

Using bathroom words and saying “I’d like to marry you” are not good reasons for forbidding contact.  Hitting, spitting, inappropriate touching etc yes, but not this.  Can the mother not be trained to say “we don’t use those words in our house” on those occasions?  She could even terminate the play date on that occasion if he refuses and send him home early.  There are lots of alternatives.

Children with ADHD are more immature (refer to the 30% rule) and it’s not something that can simply be overcome by willpower alone.  There has to be patience, training and yes acceptance while they are learning.

My best friend is also my most conservative friend.  She has accepted my DS wholeheartedly and if he goes too far, she will let him know that his words are not appropriate.  This is the best training he can get about social skills in society by learning it from mentors that he admires and loves.  You can’t teach people anything by rejecting them and shunning them.

Sounds like this other mom is just plain ignorant, completely clueless and has no understanding about ADHD is.

Yes, boys with ADHD are less mature but his behavior wasn’t hurtful, not excusable but he didn’t hurt anyone. Explaining his behavior was not appropiate and reforcing that everytime that happens is the best that you can do.

I would avoid her and the next time she wants to make a playdate with your youngest, I would tell her no and explain why. Either she will realize that she has been wrong or you will know that she is a lost cause then make a decision whether nor not to continue playdates with the youngest.

I don’t think I would want to be friends with someone who treated my child like that. But, I have a couple of tough questions. I am the parent of a 7-year-old boy with ADD. So, I feel like I can ask this. First, have you ever used ADD to excuse your son when his behavior was inappropriate? Second, what are you doing in the way of treatment if anything? I would not have a problem allowing my child to play with another child who has ADD just so long as the parent of that child is doing all they can to treat this condition and doesn’t make excuses for inappropriate behavior by saying. “Oh, well, My child behaves like that because he has ADD. So, that means the inappropriate behavior is ok.” If you have been friends with this individual for a long time and you trust them; ask them if this fits their perception of your behavior, not your child’s.

I hope this information was helpful.
Susan

First, advise your friend that her impulsive, immature, antisocial behavior is unacceptable and sets a very poor and damaging example to your children and hers.  Let her know that if she is able to get her conduct under control she will once again be welcome in your home.

Second, work with your son to insure that he gets his own impulsive, immature, and antisocial behavior under control.  His problems are far more modest and kind than those of your friend, but you don’t want him to turn out like her! 

I feel more than a little sorry for Oops’s son: poor boy, his mom is using him as a means of proving what a great disciplinarian she is:  he, and she, will eventually pay the price for that, I fear.  However, Oops is right to the extent that if you overprotect your son, you will make him feel like there is something terribly wrong with him and also that any rejection is horrible and damaging.  That attitude, alas, will turn your son into a Class A victim for bullies, who have an uncanny knack for identifying kids who are afraid to be called names or rejected.

In short, love and take pride in your son and protect him from foolish or cruel adults, but also let him know that her behavior is just standard issue for idiots and it won’t be the last time he’ll have to deal with it, learn from it what he can, and let it go.

Run from this woman! Yes, your son may act inappropriately at times but this woman is not right. Who ever heard of choosing which children in another family that your family will be friends with? You need to be “busy” when she calls the next few times. She’ll get the hint. You’ve got enough going on- you don’t need people like this in your life. And yes, keep pointing out your son’s poor behavior choices ALONG with your other children’s. We held our son to the same standard as our other children and he rose to the occasion.Blessings.

I guess it depends on how much you value the parents’ relationship!  Do you want to do the work of sitting down calmly and discussing ADHD and strategies for managing the sometimes over-the-top behavior our kiddos often exhibit? 

Something like,  “I’d really like to talk about my son.  His social skills are developing, and we’d really like your help!  Do you have any ideas?”

It’s clear that they simply don’t know how to manage kids like him.  Are they willing to learn?

I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with children having their own friends, and play dates may not always involve the other sibling.  Fine; arrange for him to have another friend over at the same time.

If those comments about not being allowed to play with “X” were made in your hearing, this was a teachable moment.  Those girls could have been told that sometimes the things we are thinking in our heads are things we should not say out loud, because they can be hurtful.

I would never allow someone to make my son feel like he is a second-class citizen. Yes, there is a lesson for your son in that people don’t always accept behavior just because you have a diagnosis. I have never excused away my son’s behavior because he has ADHD. But I’ll be darned if I allow someone to demean him or ostracize him because of it. If we don’t advocate for our child, who will. Yes, the other mother (crazy as she is) has complete right to protect her child as she sees fit. She is advocating for her daughter the way she thinks is right. But no way would I allow someone to pick and choose my family members based on who she thinks is an appropriate influence and who she does not. I would tell her, “Fine, I understand if you don’t want your daughters around my son. That’s your right. But my family is a package deal so I encourage you to find some other playmates for your perfect daughters.” And then I’d tell her good riddance!

And I think Oops above needs to find another support group. Your pompous attitude is not helping. We are supposed to be encouraging and supporting each other. Not trying to make someone feel badly.

I can really feel for you. My son was in kindergarden last year when he responded to a request from a little girl in the class to prove to her that girls are different from boys. My son has seen diaper changes in younger cousins so knows that there are differences. So, he pulled down his pants and showned everyone the differences!  His consequence from me was to apologize to the entire class, his teacher, the principle and the counselor. He also lost all previledges for a week. I understand this was an impulse that he didn’t control (this was also before he was diagnosed and on medication) but he (and your son) needs to learn that medicated or not, there is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. I think I write this everytime I reply to a post on here, but if there is a behavior that you want to change, post it on a board. So you could post “no potty words” or “keeps hands to self” or “maintains personal space”. On a daily basis, the two of you decide whether he was successful at any of these. If so, a tally mark, if not, no mark. When he earns whatever pre-agreeded number he also earns a pre-agreeded reward. For my son, we agreed 25 marks would earn him roasting marshmellows, a movie, a sleepover, etc. Importantly, I do not take marks away if he has a bad day. Everyone has a right to a bad day every once in a while. The point is that you are now emphasizing what he is doing RIGHT - not wrong. Before long, he will be telling you that he has earned a tally mark for no potty words. That means he is thinking about what he is doing. There is a consequence but now it is a positive consequence.

In terms of the question you really asked - would I allow the kids to interact? Yep, I did not blame any parent who wanted to keep their kids away from mine after the depantsing issue. That was a consequence of his decision. I have since learned to talk with the parents of my sons friends (an only child but if there was another sibling I would talk with their friends parents as well). Be up front. Your child has ADHD and that means that sometimes he has a hard time controlling his impulses even though he knows the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Tell them, Just let me know if he’s having an “off” day.

Hope this helps

Thank you, all, for your replies. You gave some really great suggestions and I appreciate the understanding.
We don’t tolerate behaviors that make others uncomfortable and that are socially inappropriate. We do, however, put in perspective that he has issues with impulsivity and is much less mature than kids his own age (and, yes, he is 7). We’ve had numerous conversations about the impact his behavior has on social relationships (he’s aware of their avoidance of him). He also goes for counseling regularly and has many supports. Despite this, controlling his impulsivity to act silly is particularly hard for him. My best friend is wonderful with him, allows him to play with her kids, and is loving and firm as I try to be.
This other woman is completely ignorant of ADHD and despite discussions about it, persists in her generalized fears.
The hysterical reaction, as though my son is an evil predator, is what irritates and bewilders me.
To make matters worse, I supervise/co-lead youth groups in my area, which is where my kids and her kids meet regularly. So, her kids are openly alienating my son in the very group that I lead! She, on the other hand, has every excuse in the book why she doesn’t have a minute to contribute and volunteer (while she gabs with other mothers n the sidelines). So, I, who have a special needs child, am trying to productively occupy and educate the neighborhood kids, while she could never find the time to help, except to complain to me about her concerns.

Worn out, that sounds terrible. Cut off this woman.

I don’t think I would want to spend time with people who didn’t accept my child if I didn’t have to.  Bad enough we have to face this with family sometimes but if you have no ties to these people I think I’d walk away.