It is for my daughter.  I very rarely feel like we connect during a conversation.  I don’t know how to handle it other than asking her to look at me when I’m speaking, but even then she’ll say something random so I know that she hasn’t been listening.  It makes me sad because my younger daughter doesn’t have ADHD and I feel like we’re much closer.

I have found with my boys that the ‘best’ way to get information out of them - from mundane stuff to feelings - is to do it when they’re not looking.  I put best in quotes because I don’t have a way that works really well, just better than other ways.

For example, with my 13-year old, when we’re in the car.  We are both looking at other things, not each other, which makes him more comfortable.  With my 9-year old, it’s typically at bedtime that I can catch him.  We have the lights low because I’m tucking him in, and I can usually have a little chat.  In either case, information is not forthcoming, though.  I have to ask probing questions (rather than yes/no questions) and it’s tough.

With my 11-year old son, who doesn’t have adhd, unlike the other two, it’s much easier, but he also doesn’t like to look at me when we talk.  Bedtime is a good time for him, too.  He’s much more apt to tell me stuff, but I have to ask.

All this is for getting them to open up.  When it comes to me giving instructions, or telling them about our schedule for the day, etc., I get them (9-year old in particular) to look at me and often repeat back what I’ve said so I know it has penetrated.  But that’s a different type of communication than I was talking about above.

Hi there,

Not sure if this helps, but I have a 13 year old daughter with ADHD and she has always been a chatter box from early on (quite the opposite I know but I’ve worked at getting her to open up).  Along the lines of what some parents have shared, I’ve always told her that I am there for her, the good, the bad, and that I will always listen to her words and be there for her as a support system.  Not sure if this really helped in the end, but I wanted her to know that she could tell me anything, no judgement, and that I would support and guide her in her decision making.

Your son may not be looking at you, but he is likely soaking up every word and listening.  An activity like driving is really perfect.  I usually start by sharing things about my day, which prompts her to share things about her day…  Simple tasks like making supper together keeps you both busy, but could be a great way to chat about your days.

We also try to avoid one word answers,,  So, perhaps try things like, how do you feel about this?  Or, I would say ‘if this happened to me at work, I would feel this way’ (by association)...  And she would open up about her opinions.  If you know the names of his teachers and friends, how are so and so doing, what fun stuff did you do in science today (or his favorite subject at school).  I also related her difficulties to similar situations at my work…(for example, if the issue was her communication and expressing something she didn’t understand to teachers at school, I would relay how important healthy communication is in any environment, with loved ones, friends, at work)..  And I would emphasize how important it was to express her difficulty so that her teachers could help her…

Boys may express things differently, but I bought my daughter a diary..  her own private diary where she could express her thoughts openly and write them down…

I hope this helps.  It does get better with time, and with much talking, understanding, and persistence, they do open up.  Don’t give up! 

Much luck to you.

Truthfully, I don’t think it’s only the ADHD. Most pre-teen boys aren’t known for long answers. Mine sure wasn’t!

But your son may have a lot of feelings connected to how ADHD affects his functioning in school or with friends and family.

Sometimes it helps to read a book about ADHD (one chapter at a time so you two can talk if he wants to)  because your son will probably identify with the main character. It will help you, too because you’ll see what’s hardest for him. Good luck!
Patricia Aust: CT Task Force on ADHD; author of HYPER HARRY for kids 8-12 and reluctant readers (at Amazon.com or the Kindle Store).

Patricia, do you have particular book in mind about ADHD?  Just wondering - that is a wonderful idea because he loves to read.  Thanks everyone for the good suggestions so far.

Oops, I see now that you actually wrote one, Patricia!  Going to read that with him. 

He’s a chatterbox, too when it’s one of his subjects he’s passionate about, but he doesn’t really want to talk to mom.  He’s always got his nose in a book, and I have to tear him away from it to do anything else, including talking. 

I agree with EmsMom, it’s sad that we are not close, and I feel so helpless.  I can’t really help him if I don’t know what he feels his struggle are. 

BTW, he’s 8 years old.

My 9 year old boy is the same way.  It can be frustrating.  In response to one of the other replies, so good books are All Dogs Have ADHD by Kathy Hoopman, Cory Stories by Jeanne Krauss, and Sparky’s Notebook by ???.  All have been good discussion starters for us

My 9 year old boy is the same way.  It can be frustrating.  In response to one of the other replies, so good books are All Dogs Have ADHD by Kathy Hoopman, Cory Stories by Jeanne Krauss, and Sparky’s Notebook by ???.  All have been good discussion starters for us

In a word, yes. But you can get the ball rolling about school issues by starting with a topic that is more interesting for your son. Every day, when I pick my son up from school I ask him a couple questions. The first is, “What was the best thing about today?” That usually gets him taking. Then, I ask him if there was anything hard about the day. After he has told me about the good stuff, he is usually willing to open up and talk about any problems he may have faced. Don’t push him. Let say what he wants to. Don’t be surprised if it takes a few days to get your son to open up. But, after I week or so, if you persevere, you should get an idea about what is really going on. I hope this helps. If he still won’t talk to you, make an appointment with his teacher.

The original thread sounds like I wrote it.  I too have two daughters, the oldest wih ADHD.  I long to have a coherent two-way conversation with her..where she doesn’t change subject or get distracted. 

One book I’d like to recommend that she enjoyed (it follows the adventures of a gr.3 student with adhd) is called The Adventures of Pheobe Flower. While reading this book with her..she had her ah ha moment…saying “I feel like that too mom”.  It helped to open discussion with her.

Boy communication is different than girl communication. They are just different animals! Just from our relationships as adults - we have come to realize that. So as a woman AND a mom of a boy (who also has ADHD) i found trying to communicate with him SO much more challenging than it is to communicate with my daughter.

Girls tend to spew forth information - love talking things out - chatting, venting = so much easier to find out what’s going on with them. But although my son is highly verbal, all get is one word answers or grunts = no real information.

I found the book “Boys of Few Words”  by Adam Cox, truly enlightening about how boys/men communicate. Frankly, it has made quite a difference in how i now/when/why i approach my my son verbally. ADHD only complicates things, but understanding how the typical male brain handles communication is a great start.

I ask my son everyday what the best & worst parts of his day were.  A lot of times that is just a conversation starter.  Sometimes all I get is PBJ at lunch & sometimes I get a whole story.  I just think boys are different than girls in general.  We usually talk in the car also.  Eye contact is an issue with him, although he does much better these days knowing that people see it as a sign of respect and that you are listening.  He also has PDD-NOS, which I thought was more why he doesn’t talk or ask questions a lot or make eye contact, & less of ADHD, but maybe it’s just a boy thing.